Residents at a Cuban housing estate near the U.S. Guantanamo Bay have signed a petition complaining of noise from the US detention centre.
A spokesman for the Cuban neighbours, who naively believe (based on what the US has told them) that Camp Delta is a hall of residence and that the U.S. Naval Station Guantanamo Bay, also known as GTMO or Gitmo, is an American University, said "We have had enough of these unruly students. If they are not chanting loud rituals day and night, they are grunting and groaning with sexual pleasures. And every few weeks, when their parents visit them, we hear loud whinging noises."
Lt Colonel Chad Brad, who is in charge of beating up detainees, secretly informed a Human Rights organisation in a Valentine's Day card that the chanting noises were probably prayers, the grunting and groaning was probably sounds of pain from being hit with rifle butts, and the whinging noises were "definitely the sounds of the detainees' lawyers and Democrat senators who visit from time to time".
Unfortunately, the card was intercepted by an Army clerk, and Brad is now being court martialled for releasing secrets. The clerk, who cannot be named for legal reasons and is giving evidence under the pseudonym "Private Parts", told the military tribunal, "I became suspicious that a Valentine's Day card was sent in the middle of May. Everyone knows that Valentine's Day is in June".
America's occupation of part of Cuba is a legal anomaly. Many years ago, Cuba was a haven for America's rich and was believed to have had connections with the Mafia. US soldiers are believed to have snuck into the presidential palace, spiked the presidential drink and obtained all sorts of promises from a drunken Cuban Government. One of the promises was the right to occupy Guantanamo Bay forever at a nominal rent. A historian told us "Communist President Castro hates this arrangement but there is nothing he can do about it. The US has him over a barrel, just like his predecessor was."
The historian also told us "Another promise given to the US was to use part of Cuba as a farm. In the 1960s, as part of Operation Chicken Coup, which was supposedly to build enclosures for battery hens but in reality a rebellion to overthrow President Castro, the Americans sent some heavily armed Cuban rebels. However, they sent them to the Bay of Pigs, where they were killed by wild boars. Relations between the two countries have been strained ever since."