Paris Hilton's Jail Survival Guide or The Celbutantes Guide To Having A Good Time While Doing Time

Written by Ed E. Druckman

Tuesday, 5 June 2007


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(New York-NY) I'm not going to fabricate a phony news story about Linwood Prisoner 9818783, Paris Hilton, or as I'd like to call her…mine, at least for an internet sex-capade. Trust me, at my age it would be a very short sex-capade, followed by a funereal, which I'd like Paris to attend, dressed of course as Jackie Kennedy at JFK's funereal. Hey, a guy can dream can't he?

But I'm a realist, and unless I somehow fall into Hugh Hefner's kind of dough that ain't happening. Even then, Paris isn't into the geezer hook-up, unless you're a cool geezer. Still leaves me out, because performance wise if it did happen my memoir on the subject would be "A Fistful of Viagra". Wait…I'm going off topic. Paris will do that do.

Okay, I've made my share of Paris jokes. You have to admit though 9818783 does have a certain élan (That means 'style", if you're reading Paris.) that goes beyond just being a celebutante. Like my parentheses there, Paris knows how to play dumb, like Gracie Allen or Judy Holiday. It makes me wonder if she were a guy her age doing these kinds of things would we poke the same type of fun? For those of you who are old enough to remember, didn't Frank Sinatra and the Rat Pack do the same kind of stuff? And if they were around in our YouTube world don't you think a "look at me" sex tape might go viral? The bigger question, though, is would we poke them with the same kind of funny stick?

Like is or not, 9818783 has style, turn yourself in after a surprise visit to the MTV Awards, party to jail? How Henry Hill in Goodfellas is that. We like style in the good old US o' A, but not women who exhibit a style reserved for guys. (Note to Elliot Mintz: If you want to start spinning it this way, have at it, boychik.).

Okay, so you're saying, "Ed, we don't want sociology. We want funny." Fair enough. Following are my tips for 98187873 to have a good time while she's doing time.

    10) Put that prison library to good use. Start reading poems by the Greek poet Sappho. Trust me, it will come in handy.
    9) Stay away from any inmate who has a nickname containing the words "strap on" in it.
    8) Jail time is a lot more pleasant when fellow inmates aren't beating you to a pulp, so
    stay way from chanting, "We're like (n-word here) from Compton."
    7) Bulimia is not considered a hunger strike.
    6) If a guard mentions she's a fan of Lindsay Lohan, calling said guard "fire crotch
    lover" is not considered good behavior.
    5) If the largest inmate on the breakfast line behind you, looks at you and says, "Pass me
    some of that cream" and there's no cream around, IMMEDIATELY call a guard
    4) Remember they're "guards' not "butlers".
    3) Around day 19, if you think you see Nicole Riche's head coming out of the toilet, you're probably hallucinating.
    2) If you're still seeing her, cut back on that Pine Sol in the prison hootch.
    1) When you get out, if you read this, I'd like to have you as my guest on Ed-E-torial.

Finally, in honor of Paris, below is Ed-E-torial 13, where I give a thumbs up to Prisoner 98187873

FUN FACT: Paris Hilton is one of the few members of the wealthiest families in the United States who didn't go to jail for corporate fraud, but the Hilton family claims they "will try to carry that cross with dignity."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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