Written by Evan Essence

Tuesday, 5 June 2007

image for GOP Recruits 123 New Actor-Politicians
Sinatra came close to being a poltician, but the mob preferred his singing

Hollywood, California - Responding to lucrative recruitment offers by Republican operatives, recent graduates of America's top acting schools, as well as veteran celebrity actors and actresses, have been signing up, in droves, as Republican candidates for legislative offices, in America's upcoming political campaigns.

Celebrated Republican political strategist Karl Rove, who successfully maneuvered the GOP into a permanent majority in Congress...at least for a while...has been emboldened by the stellar success of Republican actor-politicians Ronald Reagan, and Republican actor Arnold Schwarzenegger, as well as the election of Republican actor Clint Eastwood, as the Mayor Carmel, California, and by Republican TV actor Alan Autrey as the mayor of Fresno, California, and is now pushing the presidential candidacy of Republican actor Fred Thompson.

Rove has vowed to complete the job he started, by inundating the political arena with new actor-politicians. Currently 65 actors are planning to run for the House of Representatives, 27 more are preparing to launch campaigns for the Senate, and 50 more actors are preparing to file papers for state governorships and legislative seats.

Harvard professor of Political Science, Barney Hampton, remarked,"its no coincidence that all of the Actor-politicians we have seen are Republicans. An actor…by definition…is someone who is skilled at presenting himself as someone other than who he really is. "

"America's first successful actor-politician was Ronald Reagan, who bamboozled a majority of Americans into thinking he was a 'fiscal conservative', when actually he was nothing of the kind. While he was entertaining Americans with his acting roll of a kindly old father-figure, he succeeded in quadrupling the National Debt, by increasing pork-barrel and military spending, and never once, even proposed a balanced budget."

"People who knew Reagan, in person, say he was nothing like a kindly old man, and liked to kick homeless beggars for the fun of it," Professor Hampton said.

"Americans really dislike politicians," Professor Hampton elaborated. 'They feel much better voting for someone they know is a celebrity actor, because they don't have the stigma of a politician, and have much more pleasant personas. ' Polls show that 94% California voters plan to vote to re-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger, although only 3% can say what he stands for, or what he has accomplished while in office."

"Likewise, polls show that 74% of Californians think Schwarzenegger is a Democrat, and have already forgotten that he spent his first years in office crusading against the Democratic power structure."

"Schwarzenegger's only real agenda is to defeat any plan for Universal Health Care which doesn't include the Insurance Industry as the primary beneficiary…as that is where he gets almost all of his campaign financing," Professor Hampton added. "Apart from that, he will play any roll that the polls indicate is popular, and would even go so far as to kiss gay men, if he thought that would help him remain popular in California."

'But now the big money, among GOP strategists, is on the Mayor of Fresno, Alan Autrey , who played the role of the redneck cop "Bubba Skinner" in the TV series 'In the Heat of the Night.' It is expected that Schwarzenegger will soon move up to the position of Senator, and that Autrey will become the next governor of California, by popular acclaim. Republican strategists feel that...when he is ready to run for president.... Autrey's persona, as a redneck Bubba, will make him the only candidate who is a bigger, and more lovable dolt, than George Bush, and therefore would become an instant favorite with the American people.

A recent memo from Karl Rove read, "We can't fool all of the people, all of the time, but if we can fool 63% of the people in Red Sates, and 45% of people in Blue States , 85% of the time, then George Bush will be able to sustain his Rule-By-Unoveridable-Veto, 95% of the time, on all major issues."

Editors note: Evan Essence recieved his Masters Degree in Journalism (2003), and his PhD in Political Science (2004) from House-of-Spam Internet Marketing

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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