Lindsay Lohan on the road to be sexy again or trying to
Fat saggy actress, Lindsay Lohan, has announced on CNN that she is cutting off the news from her Beverly Hills home.
Read full storyPowerade to release new energy drink "Potterade"
Popular energy drink Powerade has signed a deal with Wanker Bros and J.K. Rowling in the next three Harry Potter and the films instead of drinking Butterbeer the Rowling creation they will be drinking Powerade.
Read full storyCommissioner's Aide Sneaks Firearms Provision into Little League Baseball Rules
Little League Baseball has been rocked by a scandal which has caused the serious injury of dozens of children. In the last League Rules Session, a commissioner's aide snuck in a provision sanctioning the use of firearms on active baserunners not...
Read full storyCurse of Tutankhamun as France rocked by Joan of Arc bone fakes
Paris - (Agence France Presse): The French establishment has been rocked to the core after the country's most sacred national treasure - bones of their patron Saint Joan of Arc - proved to be remains of a cat and a mummy raided from an ancient...
Read full story"Quit Shmit - There's Nothing Unhealthy About Smoking"
(AP) Pittsburgh, PA -- Local Doctor Reveals Truth About HealthScare. Dr. Armand Kowapalski made an astonishing announcement today to the Surgeon General, FDA, and local reporters. "Not only is it okay to smoke - it's also h...
Read full storyThe Mummy Actually DOES Return
The Mummy - Jim Hotep of Egypt - has returned. After a curse was put on Hotep which condemned him to wander around buildings, wear bandages and strangle people for three thousand years, he has decided to give it all up for a job as a librarian.
Read full storyIran Releases 15 British Sailors in Brightly Colored Eggs, Hidden Throughout the UK
Citing the "joyful celebration of the Easter Bunny (PBUH)," a shared prophet of Christianity and Islam, President Ahmadinejad ordered the release of 15 British Sailors, encapsulated in brightly colored, ovoid "comfort pods," to be...
Read full storyOil company caters to Hollywood elte.
Celebrities and other Hollywood elite have been carted to as long as there has been a Hollywood. Clothing designers, car companies, even food companies, have all lined up to produce special items to carter to the Hollywood elite. Now a new company...
Read full storyHome for Christmas!
Tehran - (Rioters): All fifteen Royal Navy personnel seized at gunpoint by Iranian forces in the Shitt El Arab waterway twelve days ago will be home in time for Christmas.
Read full storyAmerican Man at Night Club Upstaged By Guy With British Accent
Sacramento, CA - It was another disappointing night for David Timbler, 24, a boring American man trying to find a girl. Despite Timbler's great one-liners and precise dance moves, he was upstaged by a guy with a British accent.
Read full storyBush Disappointed By Low Ratings of His Articles On TheSpoof.com
Washington DC - President Bush announced at a Whitehouse Conference today that he was extremely disappointed by the low ratings his articles were getting on a website called "The Spoof".
Read full storyKeith Richards Overdose
Keith Richards was rushed to Glimmers Hospital in London after snorting his Dad. Doctors report that Keith is resting comfortably but had several complaints.
Read full storyTony Blair Set To Cleen Up With Own Brand Toothpaste!
Soon to be former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, today unveiled plans to launch his own brand of toothpaste.
Read full storyRosie O'Donnell Poses Nude
(AP) New York, NY -- O'Donnell Figurine Hits Skeptical Market The 45 year old star of A League of Their Own, a day time talk show and most recently The View, has decided to shed her moo-moo and let it all hang o...
Read full storyHouse Speaker Pelosi Soft Sells Syria as 51st United State
DAMASCUS, Syria - President Bashar Assad is anxious for Syria to bring east and west together by adding a star to the American flag, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Wednesday shortly after talks with the Syrian leader.
Read full storyJohn McCain Says Dom Deluise's Diet is Working
A day after members of a Congressional delegation led by Senator John McCain took a brief visit to a Weight Watcher's facility in Beverly Hills, the presidential hopeful said Dom Deluise was looking svelte.
Read full storyTalking Downing St CCTV spy cameras 'will scold offenders'
London - (Ass Press): 'Talking' CCTV cameras outside the entrance to Downing Street will reprimand anybody entering the hallowed seat of government who may have rebelled in a Parliamentary vote, given unfavorable press interviews, shown anti-...
Read full storyBoat Race Cancelled
This weekend's annual Boat Race between the world's two most famous universities, Oxford and Cambridge, has been cancelled, due to boredom.
Read full storySweden's 'King of Sodomite Whores' invites Pastor Phelps for official visit
Stockholm - (Disaster Press): Sweden's King Carl Gustaf XVI has invited Westboro Baptist Church nutter Pastor Phelps to an all-expenses paid official visit to his Nordic kingdom after a string of televised abuse was heaped on him by the homophobi...
Read full storyNew Indian Law Allows Burning Of Husbands
A new Bollywood film which depicts scenes of domestic ultraviolence and domestic abuse, has inspired a change in Indian law regarding marital disputes and their resolution.
Read full storyBlair gives Life Peerages to Iranian captors of Royal Navy hostages
Tehran - (Ass Press): In a reciprocal gesture of realpolitik UK Prime Monster Tony Blair has awarded Life Peerages to the Iranian gunboat crew members who captured fifteen Royal Navy sailors who have been held hostage in Tehran for almost a fortight.
Read full storyBBC drama The Lavatory List damages for Harold Wilson's very own Ruth Turner Lady Falkender
London - (Ass Mess): The Lavatory List, a BBC dramatised portrayal of KGB double agent Marcia Willias during her infiltration of British government as UK Prime Monster Harold Wilson's personal secretary, has won the hoary old Hellfire Club slappe...
Read full storyStones' Richards slams Arctic Monkeys, Libertines, Bloc Party "a load of crap"
London - (Rioters): Keith Richards says that modern bands these days are just plain rubbish. "Take the Arctic Mokeys, the Libertines and Bloc Party and shove them all up your ass, that's what I say," Richards, 64 told reporters as he le...
Read full storyManchester United Fans Face Trouble In Rome
Reports on the official Manchester United website this morning predict trouble for fans travelling to tonight's Champions League tie at the Stadio Olympico in Rome.
Read full storyGirls Gone Wild - Starphux Coffee Bar Opens In Hawaii
WAIPAHU, HAWAII--(ROASTED) From the beautiful islands of Hawaii, with their dramatic sunsets, active volcanoes, ocean surf, Diamond head and brazen copper wire theft, will hold the grand opening of the first Starphux Coffee B...
Read full storyBrad Pitt kidnapped by Heroin Addict
Straight from the news room of CNN in Vietnam amid the shootings in the cafeteria: Mr Angelina Jolie-Pitt (Brad to those of us who are not feminists!) has been kidnapped by none other than the biological mother of Pax Jolie - Angelina's new addi...
Read full storyNintendo Propose Solution to Wii Keyboard
Since Nintendo released the Opera browser for their Wii console, the Wii community has been on tenterhooks as to whether there will be a keyboard released for the Wii to ease Internet browsing.
Read full storyWhen Bush Tried to Ground Little Nancy Pelosi
Bush told Little Nancy Pelosi that she would be grounded if she kept asking to go to Syria."I told Lil Nance that she was too new to go to a grown-up place like Syria" W told reporters, "I only allow big girls like my wife, I mean, Secretary Rice to go to places like Syria!"...
Read full storyUS Supremes Want to Wait on Gitmo Torture
US Supremes think the torture at Gitmo should continue for a while longer as they contemplate the cases of people detained without charges, hearings or human riights for years on end. One of the more theatrical and moving moments in the hearing before the high court was a Drag Queen Quartet of Muslim Gitmo prisoners dressed a s the Supremes singing, "Come, See About Me!":...
Read full storyI, ET McCrone Wants Your Money!
I, ET McCrone have tried to persuade you, gentle voters, to support my project to become PrezMinister of the USUK. I have beg, proposed and lured you with my ingenious ideas like the Dental dam across the Lake, my Lincoln-Elizabeth Tunnel across the Atlantic and other brilliant schemes. I have told you my story of rising up as an elevlift operator from Liverpool through nyc to Tucson, az. Thus my...
Read full storyDear Paraphernalia4Your Genitalia-Passover Special Edition
Dear Readers, P4YG has been virtually inundated with questions related to religion and sex during the high holidays. We have decided to offer our advise in seperate columns, each dedicate to the particular religious tradition.
Read full storyObama: Reincarnation of Jesus!
At first it was just a student art project. An ivory soap sculpture of Barack Obama as the Savior of the World. But the art work seems to have taken on a life of its own as fanatical devotees from around the world are flocking to the Art Institute in...
Read full storyIBBB Protests US Delegation's Findings of a Peaceful Baghdad
Iraqi Better Business Bureau (IBBB) President Ishmail Merchant was outraged at what he called, "The Lies", told by US delegation to Iraq this week.
Read full storyNew Rapublican Duo:"It's Hard Out There Fo' A RePimplican!"
New Rapublican duo, Rudy and McCain, opened their recent fundraising tour with a new hyped up version of "It's hard out there fo'a RePimplican!" Critics caught the somewhat obscure reference to the extreme success o...
Read full storyStench Collection Makes Record Price at Auction
A collection of rare stenches was sold at auction on April 2nd 2007 for a record £1.8 million. Auctioneers Southeby's, of New Bond street London, are said to be amazed. A spokesman for the company said: "We can hardly believe it. Never b...
Read full storyStrict Constructionists Question the Meaning of Clean Air Act!
US Supremes, famous for dozens of Gold Records and awarding a Presidency as affirmative action for a dumb rich person, has finally found a majority that could make a decision to help real, breathing creatures. The real breathing story however is abou...
Read full storyStarbucks admits to being Mafia.
In a statement that surprised no one, Starbucks freely admitted to being a Mafia. What they had to say next surprised even top market analysist. Starbucks plans to use their coffee Mafia to their advantage.
Read full storyCars Using Multiple Gas Pumps Develop New Form of Car HIV
Greendale, Wisconsin - The first outbreak of a new car disease was documented here, and it is feared that millions of other cars may suffer the same fate.
Read full storyRomanians and vulgarians squatting in Hyde Park
Hyde Park - (Ass Mess): Unemployed foreigners including Romanians and vulgarians have been spotted camping and squatting in cardboard boxes at London's Hyde Park, home of the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain and other notable sources of E Coli, F...
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