DAMASCUS, Syria - President Bashar Assad is anxious for Syria to bring east and west together by adding a star to the American flag, U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Wednesday shortly after talks with the Syrian leader.
Pelosi, beaming as the pair made the announcement, said the idea came to her on the flight over. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" Explaining that President Bush's lame (duck) attempt to win the war on terror led her to this sole logical conclusion. "Having the terrorist birthplace as a part of our national real estate will make things a lot easier with our relations with other middle eastern countries," Ms. Speaker proudly proclaimed.
Once Syria becomes a United State, all Syrians being held in terrorist detention camps will be released and given government jobs as compensation for the religious profiling and torture they were forced to endure through two George W. Bush administrations. Furthermore, all Syrian convicted terrorists serving time in American prisons will be pardoned and granted full veterans benefits equivalent to those misguided American citizens in uniform who fought and died to hunt them down and either apprehend or kill them.
Among other (hair)brainstorms unleashed by the libocrat-at-large were the introduction of legislation mandating Arabic as the new sister language of the US, requiring that all education, legal and information media to be conducted in both English AND Arabic. Furthermore, the standard "In God We Trust" on monuments and all American currency will carry a dual equivalent in Arabic script. All Syrian religious holidays will become legal American holidays, thereby giving Muslims even more days off from work each year.
Pelosi herself has offered to serve as Assad's diplomatic and cultural adviser during Syria's forthcoming transition from religious theocracy to libodemocracy. In exchange for this inhumanitarian effort, the She-Speaker will be given free gasoline for life, no matter how many greenhouse-gas-emitting SUVs she owns.
Reactions by the American citizenry have been mixed. Asked how he felt about having a new State halfway around the world, Arkansas pig farmer Clinton J. William summed it up by saying, "that gover'ment woman must be plumb loony to get cozy with that thar 'Dumb Ass Cuss!"
Pelosi is unswervered by criticism from detractors. "We can't win the war on terror, but with Syria as a United State we can at least make friends of our enemies through creative legislation!" Pelosi, soon to sport the latest in burqas, is reportedly taking a crash course in Arabic and advanced turban-tying classes to avoid the rush.
