Sisyphus Shocked Over Bolder Staying Put
Greek myth correspondent reports that, earlier today, Sisyphus pushed his bolder up the hill for the billionth time, and surprisingly it stayed put. Sisyphus now to go somewhere quiet and cry.
Artificially Intelligent Autonomous Tank Receives Sex Reassignment Surgery
The world's first autonomous tank received sex reassignment surgery yesterday when army mechanics sawed off his turret cannon.
God Reveals His Atheism
Millions of religious fanatics all over the world were crushed by the news that God is an atheist. "I'm a flawed imaginary being who has never believed in myself, I don't know why anyone else would."
Florida Wal Mart Welcomes Emotional Support Alligators
Florida Wal Mart is enjoying an uptick in business as it formally welcomes red neck patrons with emotional support alligators.
Corporation Looking to Utilize Infamous Weedkiller to Treat the Cancer that it Causes
Major Corporation petitions FDA to approve infamous weedkiller for use as a highly overpriced cancer treatment drug for the cancers that it most likely causes.
White Trash Americans Finally Find Purpose as Vigilante Border Patrol
Discontented white trash Americans finally find purpose in terrorizing innocent asylum-seeking migrants, as members of vigilante border patrols.
Monkey With Machine Gun Given a Lesser Charge of Manslaughter
Prosecutors reduce charges to manslaughter for murderous machine gun-wielding monkey. "He didn't know what he was doing, he's just a monkey."
Fisher Price Nationalist Tot Play Set Line Discontinued
Nationalist parents angry over Fisher Price's decision to halt development of field strippable, assault rifle toy play set for toddlers.