Policewoman Placed on Administrative Leave for Fight-Club Style Beating
Policewoman placed on administrative leave after officials review body-cam footage of her beating the sh*t out of herself. Prosecutors still contemplating pressing charges.
Coalition of Red States and the NRA to Give Personhood to all Fireams
A number of conservative lawmakers in conjunction with the NRA, have drafted legislation to give individual protections to firearms. An NRA spokesperson said that, "Guns need protections as citizens!"
OSHA to Allow Explosives Corporation to Police Itself
Under orders from the Trump Administration, OSHA has been directed to leave all dangerous manufacturing interests to police themselves. "Safety stands in the way of money," stated Trump.
Vladimir Putin to Create the First International Dictators Foundation
Out of an overabundance of concern, Vladimir Putin has created the International Dictators Foundation, so that despots have the philanthropic support necessary to pretend they are human beings.
Russian Hackers Have Secured 2020 Election Win for Donald Trump
Intelligence reports have revealed that Vladimir Putin's hackers have secured the 2020 Presidential election win for Donald Trump. "Now we just need to wait for the actual election."
Wikileaks to Relocate its Headquarters to Trump Towers
Donald Trump has invited the Wikileaks Foundation to relocate its headquarters to Trump Towers, in a gesture of a job well done.
Cheetah Runs Down Man for Giving The Bras D'honneur
A game hunter on safari in South Africa was run down by an angry cheetah after the man gave it the "Arm of honor". "The cheetah was being smug so I flipped it a good one!"
Donald Trump to Award Himself the Medal of Freedom
In a typical act of extreme self-gratification, Donald Trump is set to award himself the Medal of Freedom for being the greatest obstructionist in the world.
The U.S. Supreme Court to Issue a Ruling in Landmark Case Against the Last Fifty Years of American Progress
In an unsurprising development, the authoritarian Supreme Court is expected to issue a ruling that will repeal every humanitarian victory won in America over the past fifty years.
William Barr to Light Trump's Cigar With the U.S. Constitution
William Barr is slated to join Donald Trump in Mar-a-Lago this weekend. They will celebrate Trump's victory against the American people by lighting cigars with the actual U.S. Constitution.