Celebrity misquotes

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Thursday, 8 August 2013


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Most celebrities, most of the time, have nothing important or interesting to say, but, because they are famous (and rich), their every word is reported to the world. Unfortunately, they are usually misquoted, because their words are taken out of context, or so they say, and, when they are not being misquoted, they are misspeaking. No matter what they do or say, they claim that they are seldom, if ever, quoted correctly. Celebrity misquotes include one of Sarah Michelle Gellar, who says, "Even when I say something I didn't say, they still say I said something different."

So many entertainers, politicians, and other famous figures claim to have been misquoted that only a sample can be represented in this article.

Jennifer Love Hewitt, who starred with Gellar in the hit teen slasher flick I Know What My Breasts Did Last Summer, agrees with Gellar: "Once, I said 'I believe in chastity,' and the press said 'Hewitt buys a chastity belt.'"

Ellen Degeneres complains that the media are continuously mispronouncing her last name. "They get 'Ellen,' but then they always say 'Degenerate.' I think it's deliberate-it's because I'm a lesbian."

Courtney Cox claims her husband is impotent and she says has suffered "many miscarriages," but she is willing to go the surrogate route to motherhood. However, her statements, she claims, were misconstrued: "The media say I'm having an affair with a turkey baster, and I don't even know Ellen Degenerate!"

Mel Gibson is another alleged victim of media misrepresentations. "When I was arrested for drunk driving, the media claims I made anti-Semitic remarks, saying the Jews have caused all the world's wars, but what I actually said was more along the lines of 'Jahjewz cuz aller whirls wurz.' What I said was stupid and wrong, but I should have been quoted accurately."

Robert Blake says he told a member of the press he'd like to have killed his wife, Bonnie Blakely, but, he alleges, the reporter claimed he said, instead, "I'd like to have murdered my wife." "There's a big difference," the actor argues, "between killing someone and murdering her."

Michael Jackson's family claims that the late singer was also quoted out of context. According to them, the media reported him to have said, "I like boys." "That's a lie!" his family contends. "He never said that. What he did say was that he likes "boys under the age of thirteen."

Madonna says she was misquoted: "I said I had sex with the Dallas Cowboys; the media quotes me as saying I said I had sex with the Washington Redskins. I mean, it's not like I wouldn't have sex with the Redskins--I'd have sex with pretty much anything--but the news should be accurate."

O. J. Simpson is another victim, he says, of the media's falsification of celebrity statements. "The press says I confessed to killing Nicole. What I really said is 'There were only two people on the scene that night, a white bitch and, allegedly, a black male; one of them is dead, and it ain't me.' Why would I confess to something after the jury let me off? It's just stupid and racist."

Asked if he would have done anything differently after his rape conviction, former heavyweight champion ear-biter Mike Tyson says the press reported him to have said, "I'd go to her place," whereas, in fact, he maintains, he actually said, "Let me think about her; I'll get back to you."

Former president Bill Clinton says he never said "'have never had sex with that woman' [Monica Lewinsky]; what I said was, 'I never had sex once with that woman.' Besides, oral sex isn't sex."

Bill's wife, Hillary Rodham Clinton, or whatever alias she's going by nowadays, also claims that the media has misquoted her. "I never told Bill 'If you don't get neutered, I'm leaving you for Ellen Degeneres,'" the senator contends. "What I ''did'' say is 'If you don't get neutered, I'm leaving you for Rosie O'Donnell.'" Ms. Clinton confided, "I'm a chub chaser--I mean, look at the size of my philandering hubby!"

Media spokesman Ms. Quote says, "All I can say is we have the tapes."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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