Bionic Woman

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Monday, 5 August 2013


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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The Bionic Woman was created out of spare, mostly human, somewhat female body parts as a companion for Colonel Steve Austin, a lonely former astronaut-become-cyborg, after she dove headfirst into a cow patty from a height of 12,000 feet in an attempt to decorate a clover patch with her remains. Before her tragic accident, she had been a tennis player known for her wicked backhand.

Rebuilt by Dr. Victor Von Frankenstein, Jaime Summers, aunt of Buffy Summers, had enhanced hearing, a strong right arm, and great legs. Her breasts, however, remained uncommonly small. Faster than a speeding bullet, she was able to leap tall buildings in a single-no, wait; that's Superman. The Bionic Woman could dazzle people, especially men, with her smile and was an expert flirt. She also looked good in a skirt.

During her first covert mission for Oscar Goodman, the former mayor of Las Vegas, Nevada, Jaime suffered a blinding headache and the trauma of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Her body, it was found, was rejecting its hymen. Having been returned to the body shop for repairs, Jaime escaped, but Austin, who was also bionic, thanks to a penis implant he'd undergone to cure him of chronic impotence, caught up to her. She was put on ice (literally) and thawed a few weeks later, which, although it made her frigid, cured her. Unfortunately, she developed amnesia and could not remember that she and Austin were lovers.

Jaime moved to Hawaii, where she took a job as a school teacher and married a female German shepherd named Max (short for "Maxine"). Taking a lead from the popular Superman soap opera comics, in which there are Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, Krypto (a super dog), and a super horse, Jaime had Max's natural jaw and legs replaced with bionic counterparts to create the world's first bionic bitch.

Her most tenacious and flirtatious enemies were the Fembots, lesbian androids who, despite Jaime's heterosexuality, would not take "no" for an answer. About twice a month, Jaime had herself kidnapped so that she could have an excuse to use her bionic powers. Despite her frigidity, she found that she enjoyed the sadomasochistic bondage and discipline character of being bound and gagged.

She once went to a hair salon to have her hair styled and found herself in the clutches of a Fembot who was washing her hair with a shampoo impregnated with truth serum. The Fembot asked Jaime if she loved women, and Jaime answered, truthfully, that she did. Thereafter, she was subjected to additional surgery which equipped her with a detachable phallus and her old enemies, the Fembots, became her new-found bosom buddies.

Despite her lesbian leanings, Jaime "did the right thing" and married Austin. As a wedding present, Goodman presented Jaime with a vibrating bionic clitoris. She and Austin honeymooned at Area 51, a secret government base in Nevada.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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