Handy Tips to Stay Productive While ‘Sheltering in Place’
With extra time on your hands, formally chronicle all of your ex-spouses’ and former squeezes’ character flaws and physical shortcomings. Pick out the countless years of accumulated crud from your navel. Think about catching up on correspondenc...
Read full storyQuintessences Vol. 1: On the Coronavirus
Good evening. Having been instructed to produce a short treatise dealing with the Coronavirus scandal to which we are all currently subjected, I crave your attention while I marshal my thoughts. Let me expound, in response to this entreaty. Fav...
Read full storyPolitically Correct Woman Reluctantly Admits that Left Kind of Sucks Right Now
Rewarding as she’d generally found her relentless efforts to say the right thing, avoid offending anyone, and, most of all, vote “blue no matter who,” Rebecca Tucker of Nashville, Tennessee, was recently forced to admit that the left kind of sucks ri...
Read full storySword Swallower Involved In Accident At Circus
There was controversy at the Big Top on Thursday evening, when a professional Sword Swallower was involved in a serious incident during a live performance. Specific details of the man's injuries are yet to be confirmed. Police sealed off the si...
Read full storyPensioner is NHS Party Pooper
A RETIRED plumber from the Midlands has been arrested for defecating from his living room window. Birmingham police reported that 62-year-old Ernie Butler opened his window one evening and, after positioning his naked nether regions over the sill,...
Read full storySTD Numbers Drop For The First Time in 17 Years
CHICAGO – Recent polls report that STD numbers are at the lowest level that they have been since March of 2003. The figures clearly show that, since so many individuals are now sheltering-in-place, the incidences of vodie oh doeing have just about...
Read full storyWoman Is Darning Socks During Lockdown
As the lockdown imposed by the government starts to take its toll on the sanity of UK residents trapped in their homes, a woman has revealed how she is putting her time to good use - by darning her husband's socks. Martha Bristlingthwaite, 52, of...
Read full storyMcDonalds To Honor President Trump With A New Modified Burger
NEW YORK CITY – The McDonalds Corporation has stated that they, like all fast food restaurants, are losing a tremendous amount of business. The New York World Register newspaper is reporting that people are not going out to eat because of the COVI...
Read full storyPresident Trump Hints That He May Be Purchasing The Houston Astros
HOUSTON – The president and his daughter, Ivanka, made a quick trip on Air Force One down to Houston to meet with the owner of the Houston Astros Jim “Whooping” Crane. Crane, who purchased the team in 2011 for $465 million, said that the president...
Read full storyThe Word is Out That Dr. Phil Will Be Fired and Dr. Fauci Will Take His Place
HOLLYWOOD – The iRumors News Agency has stated that word coming out of the left coast is that Dr. Phil will soon be shown the exit door. INA reporter Vodka Vermicelli spoke with a network spokesperson who said that they have just decided to go in...
Read full storyMan Was Rudely Awakened By Pesky Kids
A middle-aged man who, quite frankly, needed to sleep, was unceremoniously roused from his slumbers at an early hour this morning, by his children, who thought it was funny. The incident happened at just before 6am, when Moys Kenwood, who had no r...
Read full storyAnimals Paying Absolutely No Attention Whatsoever To Social Distancing Rule
It's been alleged in some circles that, although most people are now actively observing the government's advice on social distancing in a bid to stop the spread of viruses, animals are treating the guidelines with a flagrant disregard. Dogs, cats,...
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