Handy Tips to Stay Productive While ‘Sheltering in Place’

Funny story written by Trinculoman

Sunday, 12 April 2020

image for Handy Tips to Stay Productive While ‘Sheltering in Place’
Don't Just Sit On Your Ass!

With extra time on your hands, formally chronicle all of your ex-spouses’ and former squeezes’ character flaws and physical shortcomings.

Pick out the countless years of accumulated crud from your navel.

Think about catching up on correspondence with all those former high school classmates whom you have judiciously forgotten, … then actually spend time more efficiently by thinking about preparing all those Federal tax returns you have neglected file, …then conclude “F*ck It,” and have some beers.

Next, reduce desktop clutter by throwing away all those past due notices and asset-confiscating letters from the IRS.

If currently working from home, generate a Selfie-Hologram-ME that can ‘Sub’ for you in Zoom virtual meetings. Build in recorded voice responses like:
Great Idea!!!
I hadn’t thought of that…
Wow! Let’s take action on that right away!
You always have the Best Suggestions!

While Selfie-ME takes your meeting, spend time binge-watching “Lost.”

After becoming tired and utterly confused by trying to figure out the plot of “Lost,” take a break and re-energize Selfie-ME to verbally respond to all those actual needed improvements you have recommended to your boss, who has blithely ignored them for years.

Now’s the time to rev up those brain cells…commit to your too-long procrastinated project of translating the Bible into Pig Latin.

Get down to the basement and pry your stinky Brother-in-law off the couch. Kick his ass and command: “NO MORE PIZZA AND BEER ‘TIL YOU MUCK OUT THE SEPTIC TANK!”

Be creative! Use all those odd pieces of cheese collecting mold in the fridge to sculpt a bust of Abe Lincoln’s head.

Allocate time for home-schooling the kids. Laser-focus the lesson plans to counteract all the propagandistic bullsh*t the lefty-progressive slugs have been filling their minds with over the years.

Don’t ignore Fido and Whiskers, who need daily attention to ensure they transfer all their fleas to you.

And finally, reserve critical time to prep your haz-mat suit and load your Beretta prior to the next grocery store trip and the ineluctable Battle of the Toilet Paper Aisle.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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