Ancient Vampire Who Yearns for Death Reviews Oceans 8
900 year old vampire Ardith Dartan, who wishes for nothing more than to finally be freed from his wretched existence, shared his thoughts about the latest film in the long running Oceans series. “I found the heist to be less interesting than the...
Read full storySexism In Ladies Football Accusations
Women who are also football fans are up in arms this morning at what they call the injustice of a team's description of themselves. They are angry that men's football teams make no 'gender distinction', and want to know why it is that women's tea...
Read full storyPutin Claims No Russian Interference in Putin’s Election
In a shocking break with all his intelligence agencies Russian President Vladimir Putin confirms that he believes Vladimir Putin’s claim that he did not interfere in Russia’s elections. “A slanderous claim," the leader said when asked about the a...
Read full storyLocal Pie Thief located, killed in violent shootout
After weeks of investigation local man Lawerance Oddert, father of three, was killed in a violent shootout with police after stealing a pie that was cooling on old Miss Tennanbaums window sill. The police first started suspecting Oddert when he refus...
Read full storySummer Stops Abruptly
After weeks of blistering heat, hosepipe bans and warnings about dogs in cars, Summer has suddenly stopped. At 5pm British Summertime, the skies clouded over and "threatened rain" leading to barbeques being covered up, skimpy clothes to disappear...
Read full storyWhite House to be Plated In Gold
The president signed an executive order today stating that: "The entire structure of the White House, including floors, walls, and ceilings, shall be 100% covered in a 1' thick coating of pure 24 carat gold. Furthermore all chairs, tables, furnit...
Read full storyThe Three Stooges (Mueller, Rosenstein and Comey) Meet FrankenTrump
BILLINGSGATE POST: In a gathering of fools, it is hard to beat The Three Stooges for harmless idiocy. So when the newest rendition of this slapstick threesome, who entertained kids at matinees back in the 50’s, was formed last year, there were many...
Read full storyBoris Johnson: "I'm a world class quitter"
Straw-haired buffoon Boris Johnson has resigned from his job as UK Foreign Secretary, in protest at Brexit plans that he believes are "not outy enough". He bragged that although he achieved "bugger all" during his two years in the high-profile gov...
Read full storyThe Secret England Footballer: The Swedes and Me Looking Like a Turnip
"Lack of egos" in this England team is apparently what people are saying. "Esprit de corps" and lack of egos is exactly right and that's what's wrong with this team. Nobody has the balls to stand up to "Mr. Southgate" and tell him where he's going wr...
Read full storyNutters Beach Club hold a 'SEXIT' referendum / Dia treintedos!
After great demand and, Volga Olga's sagging boobs hitting rock bottom, our honorable Nutter Fraternity have demanded a referendum that could lead to a 'SEXIT! In da club (fanks fiddy for that one!)! So, during last nights poetry recital by our resident pissed pirate poet laureate, Sir Francis (non ducky) Charlton, who recited Dylan's famous classic, 'On top of milk wood' backwards, which then...
Read full storyIndian Phone Calls - How To Deal With Them
We've all had one - an unwanted call from a call center in India - and usually at the most inconvenient time possible, about something about which we have no conceivable interest. So, what do you do? Often whilst you are making - or worse, are in the middle of eating - their tea, many people feel they are being rude by merely replacing their receiver, or by just ending the call, and feel oblige...
Read full storyAlarm Clock Stopped At 01:32
An alarm clock owner in the Cambodian second-city of Battambang has told of how he awoke late this morning, after his normally-reliable alarm clock failed to wake him up at the normal agreed time. Moys Kenwood, 55, sets his gray-colored Tesco alar...
Read full storyTommy Robinson Band To Re-release 'I Shall Be Released'
Tommy Robinson, the founder of the English Defence League, who is currently serving a 13-month prison sentence after being found guilty of contempt of court, has reformed his seventies punk band, and will release a new single tomorrow. The Tom Rob...
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