Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 9 July 2018

image for The Secret England Footballer: The Swedes and Me Looking Like a Turnip
Southgate, you bastard

"Lack of egos" in this England team is apparently what people are saying. "Esprit de corps" and lack of egos is exactly right and that's what's wrong with this team. Nobody has the balls to stand up to "Mr. Southgate" and tell him where he's going wrong.

Where's he going wrong? I'll tell you. Marcus bloody Rashford...again.

Five minutes to go and there I was jogging up and down the touchline, nicely warmed up, expecting to get a few minutes in a world cup match and what did old big nose do? He friggin told Marcus to get on the pitch and left me looking like a turnip with the England fans chanting "bench warmer" at me.

I suppose the lads did ok though without me. Gotta give them credit, although this wasn't my type of match. No toecap on kneecap, no elbows out, no surrounding the ref and swearing in his face. Bloody Swedes, what's their problem? It would have been completely different if I'd been playing, I can tell you.

Fabian was given a few days off to see the missus last week as she was about to drop a sprog. I put in a request for special leave too, to no avail.

Gareth asked me why I needed compassionate leave for 48 hours, like Fabian. He said he'd heard from one of the lads that I've got a Russian hottie here in a St. Petersburg hotel suite panting for it and was it her I needed to see? He asked me how would it look if he gave me a couple of days off for knobbing my girlfriend? Suppose it got into the papers? How would the others feel, living like monks?

I told him he could come along too. I know she'd be ok with it, but he declined, saying he's got more important things on his mind. He wouldn't have if he'd met her.

So much for team spirit. Rumbled. Just wait till I find out which bastard spilled the beans on me, he could be in for a "training injury".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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