Indian Phone Calls - How To Deal With Them

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 9 July 2018

image for Indian Phone Calls - How To Deal With Them
Plan, before you pick up

We've all had one - an unwanted call from a call center in India - and usually at the most inconvenient time possible, about something about which we have no conceivable interest. So, what do you do?

Often whilst you are making - or worse, are in the middle of eating - their tea, many people feel they are being rude by merely replacing their receiver, or by just ending the call, and feel obliged to say something, no matter how inane.

"Oh, I don't think so, thank you."


"Well, I'm a bit busy just now. Could you call back later?"


"I'll just go and get him for you. Hold on, please."

All of these replies are very polite, but when someone you don't know, is ringing you at a time they know will inconvenience you, about something you don't want to talk about, politeness is not necessary.

Instead, here are a few ways of ending the imposing calls. As soon as you see 'INTERNATIONAL CALL' on your screen, and hear an Indian voice ask if he or she can speak to you or a member of your family, you should:

1) BLOW A RASPBERRY Long and hard. The caller won't be expecting this, and almost certainly won't have been trained in how to deal with it.

2) WHISTLE PIERCINGLY As you would if you were hailing your friend who you can just see, off in the distance. The caller will either think there is something wrong with the line, or that you are whistling piercingly to hail your friend who you can just see, off in the distance. Win-win.

3) ANSWER, AND SAY "HOLD ON A MINUTE" Then, without giving so much as a second thought to the situation, go back to whatever you were doing when the phone rang. This is rather satisfying, as you are performing a kind of public service: whilst the caller is awaiting your return, he or she is unable to bother anyone else with their bullshit.

4) ANSWER, AND SAY "BONJOUR!" Tame but effective. How many Indian French-speakers do you think there are? If, by some miracle, the caller says "Bonjour!", you then say "Au revoir!"

5) REPEAT, VERBATIM, WHATEVER THE CALLER SAYS Using their own accent, if at all possible. This will be extremely confusing for the caller, and hopefully, disorienting. Do not worry about the quality of your impersonation; there are no prizes up for grabs.

These are just a few ways to deal with unwanted calls, but there will be many more that may occur to you. Give them all a try! You'll have plenty of opportunity. One thing to remember though, is that you should always be prepared. Plan for a call before you pick up - it can make all the difference to ending your call in a satisfying way!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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