Local Man Decides To Not Quit Smoking
Dan Riley, 31, of Madison, WI announced in a press conference today that he no longer intends to quit smoking, and that everyone can just kiss his ass. Lighting a cigarette, Riley explained his decision, "I really wanted to quit, too; not anymore. Oh...
Read full storySoon To Be Wedded Bliss This! - Kanye West & Kim Kardashian Plan To Make It Even More Officially Nauseating For Your Inspection
HOLLYWOOD, USA - Talk about totally fit for the selfie-appointed king and queen from somewhere way, way the hell out there in beautiful downtown TotallyfullofUknowWhatVille! That's right, moms & dads & kids of all ages, and, oh yeah, any a...
Read full storyWalmart acquires North Pole, outsources Santa to FedEx!
In a dramatic press conference held this morning at the corporate headquarters of Walmart, Inc. in Bentonville, Arkansas, a spokesman for the corporation announced the acquisition of the North Pole and the transfer of all of its operations to Benton...
Read full storyTom Cruise has sense of smell removed; science says, "Smell is effeminate."
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Actor, producer, and World-renowned movie star Tom Cruise underwent a rare elective surgery last Thursday at Cedar Sinai in Los Angeles. Mr. Cruise had his sense of smell removed; this comes after the National Science Foundation m...
Read full storyCardinal Baloney Addresses Abortion and Contraception
Catholic clergy and institutions have responded to the ACLU lawsuit against the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops over denial of "proper health care." The case involves a catholic hospital in Muskegon, which turned away a pregnant mother...
Read full story......Carry on Christmas!
With the release of ancient photos depicting her Royal Majesty, Queen Liz, prancing around in Pantomime gear circa 1941, younger members of the Royal menagerie have been pressing Liz for a repeat performance. Seemingly, having taken one look at th...
Read full storyUK Giving Head to Political Pigs - Is the Political Pig in the Poke; Or the Prenuptial Poke in the Pig that Counts?
Following the recent visit by Prime Minister de Cameron to China it has now been revealed in the Media that UK Agrees a £45m Pig Semen Export Deal With China. It has been suggested by a Government source in China that they are so worried about the...
Read full storyDonald Trump, the Christian Coalition Declare a December Offensive in the War Against Christmas
HEADQUARTERS, FOX NEWS--Bret Baier today grimly announced on FOX News that the Christian Coalition, with the support of former President Donald Trump, will launch a winter offensive in the second week of December in the ongoing War Against Christmas.
Read full storyDon't Wear That Bow Tie; It's Gay
I know you think wearing a bow tie makes you look intellectual, but it doesn't. It makes you look gay and you're going to end up getting your jaw broken by some guy who thinks you're giving men a bad image. And you can forget about getting laid. Women say they like that look, but they don't. They're yanking your chain. What they really want is for a man to dress like a man and not pretend he's al...
Read full storyWelsh Soap Channel Ch6Cymru to make new Soap starring Kim Yong un
Wales's leading Soap writers have succesfully landed Kim Jong un for their latest in a string of depressing everyday adventures of cross Species Welsh language sex romps. Filming will start next week at Pehelfairrarbygogogoch. The fantastically u...
Read full storyMost German comedians not funny says Benjamin Netanyahoo
The nationalities of the 10 funniest comedians in the world are: 1) American 2) British 3) Israeli 4) Irish 5) Scottish 6) Vietnamese 7) Chinese 8) North Korean 9) Afghanistan 10) German This is according to exit polls at Jous...
Read full storyHigh street German restaurants planned
Ever said "Its your birthday dear, shall we try to book a table at The Fat Cabbage" German Restaurant? Probably not, because German food has a reputation of being sausage and cabbage fart fodder. But now 100s more ways have been found of preparing...
Read full storyKim Jong Un Tells President Obama That He Would Like To Spend Christmas At The White House
PYONGYANG, North Korea - The Rice Paddy News Agency is reporting that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has sent a message to President Obama. The leader of North Korea has expressed a desire to visit America and spend the Christmas holidays at the...
Read full storySarah Palin Denies The Romantic Rumors Regarding Russell Brand
NEW YORK CITY - Sarah Palin flew out to New York City for an appeaarance on The View. She appeared on the show to quell the rampant rumors that started out on the Left Coast, made their way through the Midwest, and over to the Right Coast. Mrs.
Read full storyRhode Island Is Considering The Prohibiting of Motorcycle Traffic Between 1 PM and 8 AM
PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island - The Rhode Island State Senate is currently debating the matter of restricting motorcycle traffic within the state. Senator Pearl P. Dafty [R-Providence] informed the news media that Rhode Island is basically a very nice,...
Read full storyTrafford council to sue trees
Trafford council, the place where Nazis go to retire, have issued a court summons to the trees in the borough for littering. "I woke up the other morning," said council leader, Joseph Gerbils, "and there was rubbish all over my nice clean streets.
Read full storyA 3-Year-Old Portuguese Toddler Can Speak 29 Different Languages Fluently
MIRANDELA, Portugal - The Portuguese Children's Agency of Mirandela has just discovered what it is calling the most amazing 3-year-old in the world. Enrique Portello with the PCA stated that the young boy is named Alfredo Bernardo Zeferino and he...
Read full storyJennifer Lopez Addresses The Butt Reduction Skuttlebutt
NEW YORK CITY - J.Lo is used to hearing all kinds of rumors about just about every part of her body. She recently sat down with Vodka Vermicelli of iRumors at a Pompous Pizza Parlor and talked about the fact that there is never a shortage of rumor…
Read full storyIowa Farmers Could Be Forced To Get Rid of Their Scarecrows
IOWA CITY, Iowa - Many Iowa farmers are up in arms at the announcement that the state may be in the process of outlawing the use of scarecrows on all Iowa farms. A clerk in the governor's office informed reporters for three of Iowa's largest newsp...
Read full storyChicharito Proud That Cheryl Cole Will Be Appearing In The February Issue of Playguy
CHICAGO - Playguy Magazine has just announced that it has signed British singer Cheryl Cole to appear in it's February Valentine's issue. The men's publication had been trying to get Ms. Cole to agree to do the nude layout spread for a little over...
Read full storyCharles Manson's Girlfriend Says She Wants To Have A Little Charlie
CORCORAN, California - The girlfriend of the most evil demon in the United States has said that she wants to marry the infamous Charles Manson and have his baby; preferably a boy. Manson, who is 79, has been incarcerated at Corcoran State Prison f...
Read full storyItaly To Sell The Island of Sardinia To Peru
ROME - In a move that is certainly unprecedented Italy has decided to part with one of its islands. Pasquale Pettigolezzo with Italy's national news agency The Daily Vino stated to the Italian members of the press that after much consideration the...
Read full storyKristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson Deny The Pregnant Rumors as Kristen Says The Baby Bump Was Photoshopped
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana - Kristen Stewart is presently on location in Shreveport, Louisiana, where she is shooting the Touch Rock - Lions Door motion picture, The Smirking Countess. K-Stew stars as Countess Cora DuFidellio and she has stated that wo...
Read full storyThe Reason Kankakee, Illinois Installed A Red Carpet Down The Middle of Main Street
KANKAKEE, Illinois - The Kankakee City Council hit upon a very clever idea at last month's council meeting. Councilwoman Hazel Tuttletree, 51, suggested that the council approve installing a red carpet down the middle of Main Street. After gett...
Read full storyRihanna Draws The Line At The Clitoral Tattoo
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Rihanna loves nothing better than to show off her numerous tattoos to not only her close friends but to mere acquaintances as well. She has said that she feels like her body is merely an easel and her tattoo artist is the legendar...
Read full storyCheech & Chong Are Moving To Colorado
HOLLYWOOD - Comedians Cheech Marin and Tommy Chong took time out from filming on their latest movie Cheech & Chong: Growing And Selling Pot At The Old Folks Home to speak to Fajita San Guacamole with Hollywood Innuendo. She asked the duo if th...
Read full storyPeriodic Table to be used in Nun sex education lessons
The Periodic Table is to be used to teach sex education to Sisters in religious schools. Many nuns, who teach sex chemistry to young adults in The Pope's schools, currently do not understand the workings of the Periodic Table. The table, which is...
Read full storyRoman Abramovich bags a cool $1billion 'introduction fee' as Ecuador pawns entire oil sector to Chinese
New York - Russian mobster Roman Abramovich is reported to have trousered one billion US dollars this week after brokering the oil scam of the century pawning Ecuador's annual $13 billion crude sales to China's Hoo Flung Dung Energy Corp. The deal...
Read full storyGive in to the Pillow Pressure
In Nagareyama, Japan a wonderful amazing new device known as the "Boyfriend's Arm Pillow" has been developed by the Kameo Corporation. The pillow consists of a headless torso and a stuffed arm that curls around the woman. Suzuki, a happy cust...
Read full storyDrugged Up Babies
Children are exposed to drugs every day from classroom inhalers, commercials for medications, and dad's old bong hidden in the downstairs closet. The average age that a child first experiments with marijuana is fourteen. Kids even as young as fiv...
Read full storyFond Memories of George W. Bush
In New York, the Republican Party spent a night celebrating former President Bush's leadership in the war on terror. The First Lady said that her husband didn't want to go to war. She stated, "I remember sitting in the window of the White House w...
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