HEADQUARTERS, FOX NEWS--Bret Baier today grimly announced on FOX News that the Christian Coalition, with the support of President Donald Trump, will launch a winter offensive in the second week of December in the ongoing War Against Christmas.
Said Lt. General "Shep" Smith, who was being interviewed by Baier, "We are going to begin our campaign in Madison, Wisconsin, the headquarters of our enemy, the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Although I can't completely reveal our strategy at this point, it involves selectively saturation bombing the Madison area with plastic Baby Jesus trinkets funded by the Christian Coalition and manufactured in Bangladesh."
Three-star General Sarah Palin, who quit her job as a FOX commentator to take command of the western forces, explained, "The rabid secularism of the Left wants to take Baby Jesus out of the crib and put him in the abortion mills of Planned Parenthood. We want to put the Lord back in the manger with the donkeys and the Wiseman, to be with his heterosexual, God-fearing parents, as God intended. But we don't want Him to be a part of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program. Jesus doesn't like handouts."
Greg Gutfeld, who was interviewed by Sean Hannity while attending the FOX News annual "Holiday Celebration," sputtered, with tears running down his cheeks: "I'm telling you now, folks, in all seriousness, that the War on Christmas is only the beginning. Soon this leftist-inspired hate campaign will extend to all the holidays--Easter, Sweetest Day, President's Day, Boss's Day, and all the other revered holy days that we in the West have built our traditions around." Gutfeld dabbed his eyes with a handkerchief and blubbered: "Don't let them take away this last vestige of our Judeo-Christian heritage! Kill them! Kill them! Kill them all!"
When President Donald Trump was asked by Judge Jeanine what he thought about the War on Christmas, he responded, "Jeanine, the only way to win the War Against Christmas is to grab 'em by the--What was the question?"