Cardinal Baloney Addresses Abortion and Contraception

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

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Catholic clergy and institutions have responded to the ACLU lawsuit against the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops over denial of "proper health care." The case involves a catholic hospital in Muskegon, which turned away a pregnant mother whose water had broken two times. The fetus had a condition, which meant it would not survive birth. The woman was not informed of the unborn's inability to live beyond birth.

At her third visit the baby was born and died. Physicians contacted by this reporter stated that both the mother and the baby could have easily died during the birth. All doctors, except for one who said he was guided by his "holy compassion for the embryo" said a potentially life-saving abortion should have been performed.

According to Dr. Douglas W. Laube, an obstetrician at the University of Wisconsin Medical School, "Even though the baby would soon die after birth it probably suffered horribly during the birth process."

The name of the hospital is "Our Mother of Mercy."

Cardinal Baloney of New York directly addressd the Muskegon situation and spoke on behalf of the Catholic Church's position on abortion at a news conference yesterday. He also broadened the discussion to include contraception.

"Holy Mother Church teaches that there can be no direct attack on the fetus even to save the life of the mother even if the embryo has received baptism through the injection of Holy Water through the mother's tummy. "

The Cardinal continued, "The position of Holy Mother Church is unequivocal. The Most Supreme Holy Father Bunkum IV first put it forth in a Papal Proniciado Magnificum Bullshitum in the 5th century. He stated, with all eloquence and authority, which is applicable to the Muskegon situation, "It's bad luck if the mother dies in giving birth because she was denied proper health care. But, let's remember, she's provided another soul for Holy Mother Church to program. Alleluia! "

Turning to the matter of contraception, Cardinal Baloney argued that male sperm is "sacred because it is infused with soul." He argued that preventing its passage in the "holy vagina" would prevent "sacred fertilization "and thus prevent the soul's birth and "journey in this stinking, corrupt, and vile world. "

At this point the assembled reporters at the news conference were fearful for the Cardinal's safety as he seemingly staggered, bumped into the microphone and shouted.

" The soul's purpose the purpose is to feebly attempt to overcome the temptations of sin and achieve unmerited salvation. By God's holy grace. And that is just so difficult with those pretty alter boys around."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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