Eurozone crisis: War breaks out!
As a response to the escalating finance crisis in the European Union, Germany and France have declared war on each other. "It's the only thing we can think of," said German Chancellor, and now Fuhrer Angela Merkel. "We've tried everything else, so...
Read full storyGerman Speaking Sepp Blatter Backs Down Over Poppy Ruckus
Sepp Blatter, the German speaking head of FIFA, originally stated that the England National football team could not wear poppies on their football kits during their international match on Saturday. "This has nothing to do with Germany losing the w...
Read full storyShocking Survey Result - Most People Use The Internet To Access Porn
As shocking as it may be, exhaustive survey results have revealed that the vast majority of internet users only use the facility to access internet pornography. It appears that in this enlightened day and age, the casual observer would rather watch s...
Read full storyVlinsky Modern Times
Greetings! Your trusted pal Maltram here with more stories of captivation from our Island of Vlinsky. Today, story of painful misfortunes for your beguilement. Enjoy my faithful friends. Just about one year ago Georgy Pestramovic (44), Vlinsky, fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his arm and two front teeth which had only recently grown back. To add to this he also badly burned his hand o...
Read full storyNow Romney Declares His Sexual Harassment By Cain
In another shocking turn of events promising to further mess up the primary field, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has come forward with allegations that Republican frontrunner and former Godfather's Pizza czar, Herman Cain, sexually harass...
Read full storyStamp Collecting: By J.R. Henty
I started my stamp collection in 1945, the first stamp I purchased was a Penny Black that my Great Great Great Grandfather sold to me for a penny. Then, I got another stamp, and another one, and another one, and that's how it became my collection proper. I put them in stamp albums, spending hours indexing big stamps, small stamps, medium stamps, stamps from every country in the world, small...
Read full storyDriving test pass rates up amid claims of dumbing down
The Vehicle and Driver Licensing Agency (VDLA) have announced that pass rates for their driving licence exams are up to 98%. Pass rates have risen every year since 1970, which the agency claims are "an indication of its exceptional teaching of drivin...
Read full storyFly Fishing: By J.R. Harty
I 'ave bin a-fishin' for many years. I has fly fished in every stream an' lake aroun' thar country. Ev'ry one of me flies 'as bin made by me, rolled on me leg, hours an hours an hours of bendin' an' a-twining 'til I gits it reet. Then, there's me rods, 'undreds of em I ave, big ones, small ones, medium ones, ones wiv small rings, ones wiv big rings, ones wiv medium rings. Forty nine ye'rs I...
Read full storyTimes crossword baffles Romanian immigrants!
Romanian immigrants who managed to cross the great divide, 25 miles from there to here, illegally, and after being round-up are being given the chance to stay in the UK if they can fathom out one Times crossword in 48 hours. Otherwise they will be se...
Read full storyThe Oscars Plagued by Loss of Another Guest Host; First, Ghadafi; now, Murphy. Who next?
Now that Eddie Murphy has bowed out as the host for next year's Academy Awards telecast, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences is again looking for someone who is able to deliver viewers to the most-boring Hollywood event of the year. T...
Read full storyMafia To Offer Berlusconi A Bail Out
La Cosa Nostra, a Sicilian based business organisation have offered to step in to prevent Italy from slumping into financial meltdown. It is widely believed that the Mafia have offered the mother country a bailout package that the troubled nation...
Read full storyHerman Cain - "I Have No Memory of Ever Being the Head of the National Restaurant Association"
Washington - In response to new allegations of sexual misconduct while the head of the National Restaurant Association, GOP presidential hopeful Herman Cain said today he has no recollection of ever being the head of the National Restaurant Associati...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Denied Human Nature by Doctor in drug Thriller
Michael Jackson's doctor has been found guilty of manslaughter. Apparently, the doctor over-prescribed the King of Pop and told him 'Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough'. He was Working Day And Night, so the doctor thought he needed loads. The rest is HIStory. When asked about this, the medic replied 'I Can't Help It'. The evil physician was having a dull life at the time, and wanted publicity, thin...
Read full storyPope John Paul II still waiting for second miracle
Vatican--Pope John Paul II is still waiting for the second miracle to propel him to sainthood, and he is getting nervous that good Roman Catholics might have forgotten him. "It is real easy for a dead man to be forgotten, but I thought I lived an...
Read full storyModern Warfare 3 Traps; Beware the Kardashian IED
Hot on the heels of recently announced cheats and hidden super weapons for MW3 including barber shop head trimmers and the Dangerfield gas weapon, gamers have also found several traps that lure your shooter into an unrecoverable situation, the most n...
Read full storyBazaar Behavior: US Plans the World's Biggest Yard Sale in Iraq
Baghdad - Iraq's capital city has never seen a shopping bazaar like this. As the US military starts to withdraw from Iraq, it's organizing the world's largest yard sale to liquidate its surplus of equipment and supplies in the Middle East. Col. Ch...
Read full storyNo Puppies says Blatter
Fifa President and self appointed ruler of football Slap (me on the head) Blatter won't back down in the poppy scandal. The man who should be at home smoking a pipe and wearing slippers won't listen to anyone on the matter. "You want to wear lit...
Read full storyBorder Control Balls Up
Pressure is mounting on the Home Office to tighten up border controls after revelations that orders were given to reduce passport checks at major airports. Earlier, the Home Secretary answered questions in the House of Commons about the controver...
Read full storyJohnny Robinson - Beaten But Unbowed On X-Factor
That's all folks. Johnny Robinson, the slightly effeminate yet absolutely charming gentleman, favourite of gay British satirists was finally voted off the X-Factor this evening. Voted off in favour of somebody with ripped fishnets and a hairy face.
Read full storyNBA Plantation Workers Still Prefer the Aston Martin DB9
NBA player attorney Jeffrey Kessler asserted yesterday, that his represented union based sports-entertainment employees were simply underpaid "plantation workers". Premium auto dealers around the U.S. might disagree, given recent sales of elite auto...
Read full storyNASA Renames YU55 Asteroid to Kardashian-31
Taking advantage of previously released news events and an internet search frenzy that mixed YU55 asteroid news with a Kim Kardashian doctor visit, NASA has decided to take advantage of the added publicity by changing the name of the asteroid to Kard...
Read full storyModern Warfare 3 Hidden Dangerfield Weapon Found
Following yesterday's revelation that four super weapon "cheats" were embedded in MW3 around the streets of New York, the oddest weapon, a toxic gaseous ghost of Rodney Dangerfield was reportedly located late last night. Found by two gamers workin...
Read full storyUFO mothership snaffles up Russia's Phobos probe
Bloodyvostock - A $160 million Zenit-2SB rocket-powered Phobos-Grunt probe has been gobbled up by a 'massive mother******' just outside the Van Allen Belt distraught Russian space agency sources said today. The huge UFO mothership is known to lurk...
Read full storyMississippi "Personhood" Plebiscite Rejected
Jackson - In a rare and unprecedented show of moxie, Mississippi voters turned back a referendum establishing life at acquaintance, as well as denying all forms of contraception except abstinence, solitary confinement, jerkin the gherkin and spousal...
Read full storyEuro Appeal
An urgent message has gone out from the European Central Bank for paper to print billions of euros in an effort to stave off financial disaster and the end of the euro as a currency. Tree felling in Scandanavia is at record levels, endangering eff...
Read full storyFrankie Cocozza's drug stash seized: It's just sherbet
X-Factor producers have re-instated disgraced contestant Frankie Cocozza after a police report concluded that the 400g of white powder found in his possession was in fact sherbet. The beehive-sporting party animal apparently had no idea that he h...
Read full storyThe Sun to print THE TRUTH!
The Sun newspaper is finally ready to start printing true news stories after years of making things up. "We've decided to take a new line on reporting and start telling the truth. It's early days yet and we'll have to see how our readers feel abou...
Read full storyUFO falling from sky is actually the U.S. economy
An unidentified flying object was spotted slowly falling from the sky nearly five years ago. The nature of the object has been under scrutiny since it was first seen by a Georgia homeless man. To some the object was a chance to learn about the un...
Read full storyPat Robertson Tells Christians "Don't Be Rebellious"
Reporter: "Do you think that Christians should get involved in the protests going on down on Wall Street?" Pat Robertson: "In my opinion, these protester down there on Wall Street are just plain rebellious. Christians should have nothing to do with anything like that. It'll just give us all a bad reputation." Reporter: "So you are saying that you don't think that Jesus would have had anythin...
Read full storyRow Row Row your boat
World leaders are to invest in rowing machines as the 'new energy saver'. Its thought every household in the Western world will be given a rowing machine and some even two or three depending on the size of the house. "Energy is often wasted by p...
Read full storyHerman Cain Says If These White Women Keep Accusing Him of Stuff He's Gonna Quit The GOP Presidential Race
CHATTANOOGA - Herman Cain brought his Republican presidential campaign into Chattanooga, Tennessee, the town where Cousin Connie's Confederate-Style Cornbread was first baked back in 1864. He spoke before a half-cheering crowd of 22 in the parking...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Nancy Grace Is Finally Sent On Her Merry Way
HOLLYWOOD - Television legal commentator Nancy Grace is the latest contestant to be sent home on Dancing With The Stars. Grace who told reporters that she really and truly lasted a lot longer than she ever dreamed she would said that she enjoyed g...
Read full storyThe Toronto Zoo Is Catching Hell For Threatening To Separate Its Two Gay Penguins Buddy and Pedro
TORONTO, Canada - The director of The Toronto Zoo, Pierre F. Toulouse has stated that a recent story about two gay zoo penguins has ignited quite a firestorm. Mr. Toulouse told Taffeta Kixx of iRumors that the zoo purchased two male African pengui...
Read full storyGloria Allred Says Herman Cain "A Discredit To His Race"
SCOTTSDALE - Herman Cain reached out to the Nation this afternoon in an effort to put behind him allegations that he put his hand up Sharon Bialek's skirt while attempting to go where no man had ever gone before. Saying unequivocably that Ms. Bial...
Read full story