Russell Brand and Piers Morgan Side With Cheryl Cole And Attack Simon Cowell For Firing Her From X-Factor
LOS ANGELES - In what many media critics are hailing as The modern day reality show version of The Battle of Britain fought on American soil Englishmen Russell Brand and Piers Morgan have both come to the aid of their fellow countrywoman Cheryl Cole. Cole had been all set to be one of the three judges on Simon Cowell's new American version of the British hit show, X-Factor when suddenly she was...
Read full storyThe Diary Of A Surrealist
Wednesday 101st January 1078: My bed, this isinglass tomb, with a basilisk at each of its five corners, is on fire again. It burns with the fire of hyacinths, lit last Lady Day by Muriel, the Alabaster Queen of my Pyjama-Case. Hunting in packs who slink, sinuous as creeping simians, the miniature Postmen are abroad again. It is midnight and I am awoken by their breathing, their kitten-like c...
Read full storyDecommisioned Drone Trying to Get Used to Civillian Life
NEW YORK - Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) #5987-D/A, a Boeing Tracer, was ejected from the US Army in February after several months of tireless work scouting areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan in several surveillance operations. It still hasn't gott...
Read full storyGrease Star Jeff Conaway Dies Of Acute Pinsky Syndrome
Actor Jeff Conaway, the beloved star of the movie "Grease", has passed away at age 60, five days after being hospitalized for APS, this according to his hangers-on. APS (Acute Pinsky Syndrome) is a rare disease that usually only affects those who...
Read full storyHistorical re-enactment group bans Nazi uniforms
A Lancashire WW2 re-enactment group have banned the use of Nazi uniforms in re-enactment events, claiming that the use of such imagery is controversial and offensive. The group are particularly worried about sensitive liberals who might see the symbo...
Read full storyG8 draft threatens Syria with IN action
DEADVILLE, France (Rooters) - A daft statement by G8 leaders on Friday said "we will consider inaction in the United Nations Security Council" if Syria does not stop using force against protesters who refuse to wear g-strings. "We call on the Syrian leadership immediately to stop using force and intimidation against the Syrian people who refuse to wear g-strings. "We will do absolutely noth...
Read full storyDonald Trump Calls Sarah Palin A Simple-Minded Soap Opera Political Diva
MANHATTAN - In a move that many political pundits are referring to as a textbook case of the pot calling the kettle black, Donald Trump has just stated that Sarah Palin is actually nothing more than a simple-minded soap opera political diva. The m...
Read full storyI'm Going, Going Away, Away From Cali, Cali
A judge in California has come up with a novel approach to dealing with the state's overcrowded penal system. Justice Anthony Kennedy is to sign papers that will release 143,000 prisoners back on to the streets and in to the community. In a speech...
Read full storyRoyal Shock!
A leading journalist was stunned to receive news and proof in the post that the Royal family have been covering up a sordid and scandalous secret. Jaspar Minute explains....."We have heard that the Royal Family have been having problems due to the r...
Read full storyRatko Mladic admits: "I wanted to be bigger than Hitler!"
Bosnian Serb war criminal Rat(appropriate name)-ko Mladic after 15 years on the run in his own back garden (?)has admitted: "I tried but failed to come up to the standards of my great predecessors, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler and others." "I only m...
Read full storyX Factor Ex Judges Show Planned
Global entrepreneur Simon Cowell has announced that his next project will be "X Factor Ex Judges Excellent Show" featuring former judges of the global TV talent show. The participants in the first series will be Dani Minogue, Brian Freedman, Sharo...
Read full storyMission Creep Again Denied By Nato In Libya
Accusations of 'Mission Creep' are once again being aimed at NATO and its allies after news broke that the UK was to send 4 Apache attack helicopters to Libya. Pro and anti Gaddafi commentators have expressed concern that this move presents a clea...
Read full storyRewriting History
A major project funded by unknown benefactors is to rewrite history. Instead of the usual H I S T O R Y we shall have Y R O T S I H - the complete reversal of all assumptions about the past. 'We shall be turning history on its head' said Prof Bob...
Read full storyLocal Man In A Right Two And Eight Over Upcoming Man Utd Match
Concerns were raised today over the fragile mental state of local man, Salford born, Martin Shuttlecock. Who is said to be in a complete state of mental fugue, as tomorrow's Champions League Final between Shuttlecock's beloved Manchester United, and...
Read full storyLionel Messi has a gigantic cock
Reports are coming out of the Nou Camp stadium in Barcelona that tiny footballer Lionel Messi has a gigantic cock. The Argentinian struts his stuff in Spain and is acclaimed for his dribbling and ball control. He is also a clinical finisher w...
Read full storyHoly Shit
A toilet for the exclusive us of Zimbabwean dictator Robert Mugable has been used by a police officer, Alois Mabhunu, who was bursting to make use of the nearest loo at a trade fair in Bulawayo. Mugable's detectives had endeavoured to protect his...
Read full storyLionel Messi retires, his mum told him to!
On the eve of maybe the greatest Champions League final ever a shock news report has been released from the FC Barcelona camp: "Lionel Messi has thrown in the towel, he will not be selected for tomorrow's final and we respect his mum's decision!"...
Read full storyCultural Chasm Between Manchester United And Barcelona Exposed
Everybody knows how these two teams play the beautiful game. Manchester United have recently been no-nonsense performers, with Champions League Final opponents, Barcelona gaining deserved recognition for being slick, cultured, and sophisticated. A...
Read full storyInternationally Respected Christian Scholar Converts To Islam: Befuddles Millions Of Followers
BULLETIN: A story that was first reported by Al-Jareeza has now been confirmed by Reuters: The internationally respected, conservative pundit known to millions of followers as Dr. Billingsgate, has converted to Islam. Considered a coup for a bele...
Read full storyPalin Begins Right Wing Presidential Bus Tour
Sarah Palin has begun the baby steps of her possible, maybe, just maybe, sorta-kinda run for the U.S. Presidency, and it started on a bus tour for herself and members of the media that can't seem to get enough of the four-eyed Alaskan ex-governor. She began by reading notes off her right hand (no left hand/left wing crib notes for her!), stating, "Low taxes...good! High taxes...bud! I'm me...
Read full storyGiggs Totally Focussed On Champions League Final
Troubled Man Utd midfielder Ryan Giggs has assured fans of the Red Devils that he's totally focussed on Saturday night's Champions League Final against the mighty Barcelona. The Welsh internationalist was revealed earlier this week as having taken...
Read full storyCL Final - United Legend Nobby Stiles To Man Mark Lionel Messi?
The retired Manchester United defender might seem at first glance to be a dubious choice to man mark Barcelona's diminutive Argentinian striker, but some sources are of the opinion that Nobby is all set to come out of retirement and operate as a swee...
Read full story76% Of Man Utd Fans Harbour A Dirty Little Secret
Those involved know exactly what is being referred to in the headline - a staggering 76% of Manchester United fans own a replica Barcelona shirt! With the number 76 printed on the back! Experts believe that a whopping 76% of Manchester United f...
Read full storyQueen's knickers and other royal items 'missing' after Obama Palace stay!
London - Someone rifled through HM's drawers and made off with dozens of pairs of Bridget Jones-style undies, a Palace footman revealed today. Also missing from the royal inventory are two dozen George III silver teaspoons, an Ormolu candelabra in...
Read full storyCarole Caplin denies Blair shagging 'slurs'
London - A High Court hearing has seen Daily Smearer hacks defend their rants that the lifestyle 'guru' was shagging PM Blair. A libel judge heard today how Carole Caplin's top-graded security pass to No 10 was withdrawn by police amid concerns sh...
Read full storyCheryl Cole to Sue Fox for Racial Discrimination
Having been dumped from the judging panel of X-Factor USA because of her accent, Cheryl Cole has instructed her legal team to pursue litigation against the Fox TV network. Any case will hinge on whether it can be proven that Geordie can be classed...
Read full storyG8 says world economic smell gaining strength, eyes g-strings
DEADVILLE, France (Rooters) - The Group of Eight leaders agreed on Friday that the global economic stench was becoming more "self-sustained," although lower clothing prices were 'hampering' further growth. In a communique to be issued at the end o...
Read full storyDementia test for Hillary Clinton as speeches deluged with 'ah' and 'er' breaks
Washington - A random wordcount of the Secretary of State's speeches has found that for every three scripted words she utters the dreaded 'ah'. Her latest performance at an Islamabad press conference this morning was reported as verging on the ger...
Read full storyBarcelona Accuse Man United Of Dirty Tricks Campaign
Word from the Barcelona camp ahead of Saturday's CL Final at Wembley is that Barcelona officials suspect that Man United have already launched a dirty tricks campaign in order to unsettle the Catalans. Barca insiders suspect that Sir Alex Ferguson...
Read full storyRay Wilkins slags off Manchester United
Ex Chelsea coach Ray Wilkins has publicly rubbished Manchester United's chances in The Champions League Final. Speaking yesterday at the Nivea for men Great Football Experiment Ray said: "Man Utd are a fabulous club playing exquisite football.
Read full story'Psychotic' Gaddafi in hiding at Royal Freak Hospital
London - Reports are coming in that Muammar Gaddafi is hiding under the very noses of the authorities at the hospital's Rear, Nose and Throat department. A carefully worded media campaign excoriating UK geriatric care is believed to be an MI5 smok...
Read full storyUniversity Fees "A Bloody Fiasco" Blasts Top Academic
Controversial historian Ken Lucid has blasted colleagues who are charging the full £9,000-a-year tuition fees. Prof Lucid, head of history at Maidenhead University, joined the fees debate yesterday when he sarcastically praised the London School o...
Read full storyVirgin expected in the High Street
Throughout the towns of Britain, queues of expectant young men are to be seen, who have heard that a Virgin is due to appear in their High Street "any day now". Tired of Rock up north many are anticipating a Virgin takeover with glee. One of those...
Read full storyFIFA more corrupt than the Mafia.
The FIFA bribes probe kicked off big time yesterday when president Sheep Bleater was put in the frame. Mohamed Bin Laden, who is challenging Sheep Bleater for the Godfather role in the firm, demanded the Old Bill search Bleater's lock up for 'brow...
Read full storyWhat's the weather like, mother?
Several high street banks have announced that some of their call centre staff have been getting call centre jobs so that they can talk to their family in England for free. "We noticed that we were getting a large number of calls to the call centre...
Read full storyThe A to Z of David Cameron
This A to Z of David (Spoon-fed) Cameron - has been created trying to use only old or rare words. (Description if needed in brackets) after the word, in response to a request for a Sarcastic Ode about the Coalition, from the 'Association of Unemployed Benefit Receivers Support Group of Little Effort' A: Atrabilious - (bad-tempered or irritable) B: Baleful - (malignant, filled with evil) C: Ca...
Read full storyPolitical Ode Winner
The Inchcock Institute of Lesser Educated Nitwits, today disclosed their winning political ode for their May 2011 competition. It was created, we believe perhaps in France, cause the writer claimed he wrote it: 'While having a funny turn in the Louvre?! I find the way politicians morals have sank to be tragical, Solutions to this dilemma are not forthcoming, workable or logical, They exist...
Read full storyDisillusioned Vettel Quits F1
[Monaco] Reigning World Champion Sebastian Vettel has stunned the Formula 1 community by walking away from the sport saying 'What's the point?'. Touted by many knowledgeable pundits as 'Schumacher but with a sense of humour', Vettel, at just 23 th...
Read full storyHow to summon Jinn
Place a bowl of crystal clear water before the Jinn-stricken individual; bade him to focus on the water. Have some Peganum harmala seeds burnt onto red hot charcoal to fill the room with the fume. Now, you as the Jinn-repeller shall recite loud the magic words provided herein. Due to magic effect of the words and atmosphere of the room, the Jinn have no choice but to appear in the water, of co...
Read full storyBrad Pitt Admits That His Relationship With Angelina Jolie Is Starting To Get Quite Rocky And He May Hit The Road
PROVENCE, France - Brad Pitt has admitted to Gigi de Maupassant with France's Le News Agency that there are definite signs of strain beginning to show in his and Angie's relationship. Pitt said that he can tell that the six kids are really affecti...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan Sentenced To 35 Days of House Arrest (Home Confinement) - What A Sick Pathetic Joke!
VENICE BEACH - Well Mr. and Mrs. America, the poor, little, mistreated rich girl has done it again. She has pulled the wool over the eyes of some folks who are either smitten with her celebrity status or who have just gotten so damn tired of havin...
Read full storyArizona Governor Jan Brewer Announces She'll Enter The GOP Presidential Primaries As The Wind Bag Party Candidate
PHOENIX - One of the most unpopular governors in the entire United States, next to Wisconsin's Scott "The Union Whacker" Walker has just throw her 'one-sided' hat into the Republican primaries. Jan Brewer, has been nicknamed "The Man" because of h...
Read full storyNeil Lennon New Glasgow Rangers Manager
Former Glasgow Celtic manager Neil Lennon, the man who faced a barrage of death threats whilst at Parkhead before resigning from the post last weekend, has, this morning, been unveiled as the new manager of Glasgow Rangers. Lennon, who recently re...
Read full storyKolo Toure Scared Of Being A Fat Bastard Like His Wife
Kolo Toure, Manchester City's Ivory Coast defender, will have to sit out the start of next season after being handed a six-month ban from football for failing a drugs test. The ban is to be back-dated to 2 March, so that there is minimal inconvenienc...
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