London - Reports are coming in that Muammar Gaddafi is hiding under the very noses of the authorities at the hospital's Rear, Nose and Throat department.
A carefully worded media campaign excoriating UK geriatric care is believed to be an MI5 smokescreen for a seek-and-destroy mission to top the Colonel.
"Muammar's actually a psychiatric in-patient at the Freak's notorious General Pinochet Wing," a sales rep for Largactil Industries commented this morning.
"Sometimes he also dons a white coat and lectures postgrads in the guise of Professor Einstein Flintstone, head of cynical psychiatry at the Freak's shrink school."
Contingency measures for a lengthy hide-and-seek campaign also see Muammar wheeled out as a Department of Health spokesman for incontinence planning.
"That way it's hard to detect if the Colonel is 'on the run' or merely 'has the runs', heheh," Nurse Canula of the hospital's colostomy bag recycling division told colleagues.
Last night a highly secretive Clarence House operation saw Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, smuggled into the Freak on a much needed matrimonial visit to her long-lost husband.
Clad from head-to-toe in a fetching Dodgy Originals fair-trade cotton burkha Camilla may have smuggled an AK-47 and ammo to her fugitive spouse.
Worksheet timetables seen by Our Man With The Hidden Stethescope suggest the Colonel is due to perform random innovative lobotomies on colleagues this weekend.
An update will follow shortly.