Heroic Spurs Keeper Gomes Dedicates 0-0 Victory Over Milan To Pet Goldfish
In the midst of a jubilant celebration at White Hart Lane tonight, as supporters taunted North London rivals Arsenal because Spurs qualified for the last eight of the Champions League and Arsenal didn't, one Spurs player was enjoying a quiet moment o...
Read full storyFull Outrageous Details of Wayne Rooney Contract Revealed
Wayne Rooney's contract details have been released by a secret source at Manchester United, and they are indeed outrageous. Wayne Rooney has demanded that he be paid One million pounds a game, and he wants to be paid in Italian Lira because Coll...
Read full storySarah Palin makes New Gaddhafi Mistake
Sarah Palin has made another big mistake. It comes after a multitude of other mistakes but this could be the biggest one yet. Upon being asked who her favourite world leader was, Sarah replied, "I like the one who lives in the Tent along with the camels and the Rocket Launchers. I like his style of Government and I'd really like to implement some of his ideas if I ever get elected as Presid...
Read full storySocks And Jumpers Are Out - Today's Craze Is Goldfish!
Whilst it wouldn't be unreasonable to suggest that the UK doesn't half go through some strange fads and fashions, none surprised analysts more than the recent mania for all things sock and jumper related. That was strange. However, things appea...
Read full storyGoogle and Microsoft Pursue the Secret of Happiness
Google and Microsoft have teamed up to create a secret computer programme that they think will reveal one of the secrets of the Universe. It was created last year and will be fitted into every computer by the end of the Summer. The purpose of t...
Read full storyGoldfish Not Very Enthusiastic About Football Or Golf
A five year government research project into the leisure activity preferences of domestic goldfish finally wound up yesterday, having employed a grand total of sixteen scientists and over two hundred assistants at a total cost of £13.7million. The...
Read full storyCBS Makes Announcement
This afternoon, CBS Executive producer of the hit show "Two and a Half Men" Chuck "Chaim" Lorre stunned broadcast media with the bold announcement that the show will resume filming new episodes next month. After this revelation, CBS attorney and...
Read full storySusan Boyle To Meet Holy Glow in the Dark Nuns
Susan Boyle has expressed an interest in meeting the Glow in the Dark Nuns of Dounraey. The Pope has only just recently revealed their existence and since then they have become an instant hit. They have become so popular that the Vatican has st...
Read full storyWorld's hottest Chilli Pepper Stolen From Military Laboratory
The world's hottest chilli pepper is reported to have been stolen from a Government owned Military Laboratory in Basingstoke. The exceptionally spicy capsicum is believed to have been undergoing controversial tests at the time of its disappearance,...
Read full storyCBS Makes Announcement
(NY) This afternoon, CBS Executive producer of the hit show "Two and a Half Men" Chuck "Chaim" Lorre stunned broadcast media with the bold announcement that the show will resume filming new episodes next month. After this revelation, CBS attorney and...
Read full storyThe American Irrespective: Charlie Sheen's Good News, Bad News, and, More Or Less, Worser News (So Far)
GOOD NEWS The good news is, I'm a winner. Always have been. Always will be. What can I say, that's me, in a nut shell. Candy coated finish not allowed. In other words, the real deal. Outside the box. Numero uno. The man in charge. A rock star. Hell, it even says so on my, uh, my man-size. My mighty mighty man-size. Either that, or Madagascar. Or, who knows, maybe even, Manitoba. H...
Read full storyWelsh village of Kidwelly (!) is UK paedo satanic HQ
Wales - Named after children's rainy-day footwear the Welsh village is at the core of a pervy satanic cult. Swansea Crown Court heard today how evil residents of a Kidwelly cul-de-sac rampaged unabated in weird occult sex rites. The cult's High...
Read full storyMen Seeking Banana Spiders for Killer Erections
Scientists at a Georgia medical college have released study results which indicate banana spider venom contains a molecule which, when injected into a male subject, can cause a prolonged erection that out-performs any erectile dysfunction drug on the...
Read full storyMoon heading towards earth on March 19th causes Zombies to wake up!
It seems that our moon is heading towards earth and this universal spectacle could cause quite a few problems for terrestrial inhabitants, i.e. Tsunami's. earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, typhoons, hurricanes, etc. The biggest fear for scientists...
Read full storyLeo Varadkar Made 'Minister for Turnips' in New Irish Government
Turnip-faced politician Leo Varadkar has been anointed 'Minister for Turnips' in the new Fine Gael/Labour coalition government. The arrogant vegetable-featured character said he was delighted to be representing such a 'tasteless and disgusting veg...
Read full storyWestboro Baptist Church Pastor Blames Rapture for Steep Decline in Attendance
Westboro Baptist Church, known best for its recent Supreme Court win allowing its members to annoy the hell out of anyone grieving at a funeral for someone whose lifestyle they don't agree with, has lost ¾ of its flock in recent weeks. Once a thrivin...
Read full storyIreland Displays New Cabinet
The newly elected Blueshirt/Stalinist government in Ireland has been proudly displaying their new cabinet today. Weak legs, a body full of woodlice and chipped all over, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny said the plywood furniture perfectly suited his p...
Read full storyOld Firm Summit Targets Sectarianism
Th summit meeting held in Edinburgh yesterday to address the increasing anti social behaviour at Old Firm games has already borne fruit. The meeting, called by First Minister Alex Salmond, brought together representatives of Strathclyde Police, Ce...
Read full storyPhil Collins Retires At Last
Phil Collins, the former Genesis drummer and solo singer has confirmed reports he is, at last, to retire from the music business. Collins achieved huge success with Genesis before leaving to go solo in 1999, going on to sell more than 100million a...
Read full storyDorchester Exposure Sensation
Non-League Football Club Dorchester Town had their player manager Ashley Vickers sent off in their game against Havant. The offence was unusual, if not unique. Ashley had brought a streaker, known as Boris, to the ground. However the referee conside...
Read full storyEmpathy in animals could spell the end of meat products
British scientists who looked into the behavior of chickens and say they found hints of empathy being shown - the ability to see things from another's point of view - has not been received well from egg producers who fear people will now refuse to bu...
Read full storySaif as houses? Topless Tyrants squatters group takes over Gaddafi pad
London - (Seizures Palace): A gang of partially clad squatters has taken over Saif Al Gaddafi's bijou residence in Hampstead Garden Suburb. The self-styled Topless Tyrants group is occupying Winnington Road's celebrated 'Duntossin' mansion. "To...
Read full storyEgypt use human shark bait to attract more tourists!
Due to the uproar in Arabian states Egypt have noticed that many international tourists are cancelling their bookings to the Red Sea. Now Egypt is dependent on tourism, especially after all of their investments around the Red Sea and one of the mo...
Read full storyFlog It! Is Latest TV Repair Man Target
Popular antique valuation and auction show Flog It! has become the latest target for the TV Repair Man. The notorious vigilante is the sworn enemy of reality programmes and dayime TV schedules. He announced his agenda two weeks ago, identifying pr...
Read full storyWenger And Nasri Could Get Two Years Jail For Attack On Referee
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger and winger Samir Nasri have been charged by UEFA over comments made to the referee after their3-1 Champions League defeat by Barcelona. If found guilty, the pair could be sentenced to 2 years in prison. The duo have...
Read full storyMatt Baker, a hero!
Previously best known for his athletic backflips on BBC1's Strictly Come Dancing, The One Show presenter Matt Baker completed a Paxo-style questioning of Britain's Prime Minister, David Cameron on 'The One Show' last night. In a highly contentio...
Read full storyComic Relief Jokes Stolen From BBC Television Centre
Panic erupted this evening when studio technicians at London's BBC Television Centre discovered that all of the jokes, planned for use in the upcoming Comic Relief extravaganza, had been stolen by thieves. The unscrupulous ne'er-do-wells had climb...
Read full storyGerry Adams takes seat in Irish Parliament - Mrs Doyle from Father Ted is livid
Following the result of the Irish election, leader of Sinn Fein, the bearded and glasses-wearing Gerry Adams has caused a political uproar by taking his seat. Mrs Doyle, who left her housekeeping position at Father Ted's house on Craggy Island to...
Read full storyKate Middleton astounds crowds in Ireland
Yes, bride-to-be Kate is extremely multi-talented. She wowed crowds in Ireland recently by flipping a pancake. She is also able to walk and chew gum at the same time whilst sending text messages. Amazing! My source told me that Kate has also bee...
Read full storyNapoleon's 1812 Russian Campaign Doomed by Socks
Papers recently discovered in France suggest that Napoleon might have invaded Russia successfully if his army had better sock supplies. The Corsican general famously said that an army marches on its stomach, but these papers prove he believed the...
Read full storyThe Duchess of York just 'spends, 'spends', 'spends'
Sarah Ferguson has aroused the anger and contempt of the British speaking public last night, it was announced. Her jet-setting, celebrity loving lifestyle, despite running up £5 million in debt, was denounced as pure 'in-yer-face disgrace'. Peopl...
Read full storyGrizzlies Win Summit Final for Chance to Get SPanked at the Big Dance
The Oakland University men's basketball team crushed Oral Roberts (the university, not the man) in the Summit League Championship last night, earning their second straight invitation to the NCAA tournament. Finishing 90-76 at the final buzzer, the...
Read full storyCan't see where you're going? There's an App for that
Apple today launched their latest Must Have accessory for the iPhone: the iMirror. The iMirror attaches to the back of the iPhone over the camera to allow it to view objects at a wider field of view, and comes with an app that overlays a live feed...
Read full storyRestaurant Survey Rubbished By Survey
A survey of what annoys us about London restaurants has been rubbished by a "more accurate" poll. According to a survey to promote London Restaurant Week, the thing that ticks off diners the most is being too close to another table. The second...
Read full storyBorat-style mankini streaker heads for Everton v Birmingham clash!
Dorset - Fresh from a Dorchester Town pitch drubbing Alan Young's gnatspiss-green thong may get a second airing at Goodison Park tonight. The Havant & Waterlooville fan's Borat-style mankini premiered at Monday's Blue Square Bet South clash.
Read full storyEverton fan banned from Goodison Park for calling Saha French
David Sibson, a lifelong Everton fan has been arrested and banned from Goodison Park after calling Saha a 'useless lazy French bastard' under racism guidelines. "I could understand being prosecuted under the trades description act if I'd called hi...
Read full storyUN confirms it would be impossible to implement Libyan no fly zone
The general Secretary of the United Nations, Banksy Moon held a summit with world leaders, including Barak Obama, David Cameron, Fred Shred and a chap who was a runner-up on X-Factor, to discuss the potential for a no fly zone in Libya. However, f...
Read full storyAnglicans And Catholics Plan "Clear The Air" Ruck After Walk-Out
Heads of the Anglican and Roman Catholic Churches in England are planning a mass brawl to settle their differences over today's Ash Wednesday walkout by Church of England dissidents. The 600 have left the CE in protest at the decision to ordain wo...
Read full story"Give us back our Money", says the Banks
Many cash machines in Sydney, Australia, were accidentally overpaying customers this week. So if you take money under these circumstances, what is the correct procedure, legally and morally? For customers of the Commonwealth Bank in Sydney this we...
Read full storyAction over Libya
The timetable by Governments hostile to Gaddafi in Libya has had several phases. 1. ACTION - Discussion of options. 2. DRAMATIC ACTION - Planning for action. 3. SERIOUS ACTION - Deep discussion and contingency planning for a no fligh zone over Libya. 4. SPOOF ACTION - The Haig Plan as used in World War 1. 5. IMMEDIATE ACTION - Calling on the UN to DO SOMETHING. 6. IMMEDIATE ACTIO...
Read full storyChanging Shades Of Gaddafi's Robes Indicate He May be In Panic
He may be spewing out fiery words for the national TV and international press, but in reality Libya's dictator could actually be suffering from a panic attack of the worst kind. News analysts closely watching Colon Murmur Qacadafi's TV appearances...
Read full storyStink in LA Harbor. Stink at CBS. Stink at OSU. What does Charlie Sheen say?
Scientists and environmentalists believe that based on the stink emanating from Los Angeles Harbor, the amount of dead and decaying sardines and anchovies floating on the waters is approximately 45 tons. Mayor Julio Schwartz of Los Angeles state...
Read full storyActor Charlie Sheen Describes his Sacking as "unconscionable"
Actor Charlie Sheen has described his firing from the hit TV comedy 'Two And A Half Men' as "unconscionable" and possibly "illegable". Sheen, 45 enraged that TV bosses could be so "shortseated" insists that they have lost the "High-King of the act...
Read full storyTony Blair faces 'Gorilla Molestation' charges
Ex Prime Minister Tony Blair, is today facing the courts in what has become known as 'Apegate.' The ageing politician has been charged with breaking into an ape enclosure in London Zoo and attempting to fornicate with an unlucky (or lucky?) Gorilla.
Read full storyIrate Northern Irish Farmers begin 'sports boots' protest
A group of Irate Northern Irish farmers have taken to the streets in protest over the declining quality of the rubber used in their 'wellington boots.' The farmers have recently become bemused with the consistency of the rubber and its subsequen...
Read full storyGaddafi blames violent games on uprising
Libyan leader Col Muammar Gaddafi has made a defiant speech, blaming violent video games for the uprising in the country. Col Gaddafi said young Libyan gamers playing as al-Qaeda Terrorists had incited the revolt. Meanwhile, pro-Gaddafi forces...
Read full storyGod Admits 'I'm An Atheist'
The Good Lord God has finally admitted to being an atheist. Speaking at a city luncheon earlier today the Creator appeared to have what witnesses were calling a 'breakdown', in front of a room full of high level banking officials. Claiming that...
Read full storyDerek Acorah helps The Sun perform the largest psychic experiment ever
The People's Psychic, Derek Acorah has teamed up with The Sun newspaper to attempt to show the country that psychic phenomena is real and all around us. "We are going to be doing a few psychic experiments," said Acorah. "We will be gathering all o...
Read full storyWenger Has Messi Nightmare
Arsenal boss, Arsene "I didn't see it" Wenger was this morning reported to be getting over a restless night of Messi nightmares after seeing the Gunners crash out of the Champions League courtesy of a 3-1 defeat at the Nou Camp. A brace from Messi...
Read full storyThe Cast of 'Two and A Half Men' Speak Out On Charlie "Showless" Sheen
HOLLYWOOD - Well now that Charlie Sheen has just lost his job on the number one rated comedy show Two and A Half Men, which was paying him $1.8 million per week the maverick actor will have all kinds of free time on his hands. And in the words of...
Read full storySelena Gomez, Demi Lovato, and Taylor Swift Have Just Completed Filming On Sand Castle Pictures' "Sock Party"
BURBANK - Castle Rock Pictures based in Burbank, California has announced that they have just finished production on the new Durango Grundyweather motion picture set in 1950s Santa Monica titled Sock Party. The film deals with teen girl parties of...
Read full storyThe Aberdeen Almanac Chapter 4
Foo they hingin', chiels ? Wi' the missus bein' awa last midweek fur a puckle days tae git hur mowzer cluppit, ah thocht ah'd heid doon tae Weegieland and hae a skek at the twa teams thit caused us Jocks tae lose ane o' oor Champions League places. Althoughs the game wuz at Parkheid, mah guid freend Wullie (faz a Hun)goat us intae Ibrox an' we partook o' sum o' the Gers' hospitality. There wiz...
Read full storyAnger at Firth "coffee shop" slur
Moody star and Chiswick resident Colin Firth has done it again. Only recently, Chiswick folk were angered at Firth's failure to buy a round, and his claim to feel "rootless" in the leafy West London town. Now grumpy Colin has upset the locals agai...
Read full storyBollywood's Aishwarya Rai To Star In The X-Rated Movie, "The X-Rated Life Of Marilyn Monroe"
HOLLYWOOD - One of Bollywood's most famous actresses Aishwarya Rai has agreed to star in Tico Scallavini's film The X-Rated Life of Marilyn Monroe. Rai, who was voted Miss World in 1994, last year appeared with Angelina Jolie in the motion picture...
Read full storyNASA to Sell Retired Space Shuttles; Who Will Buy Them?
Maybe you thought that the soon-to-be-retired space shuttles would be going to museums. Think again! To raise revenue for the Space program, NASA plans on selling them to the highest bidders. Speculation is already rampant about possible buyers. Here are just a few: -- Singer Harry Connick, Jr. He'd like to have a space shuttle on which to perform a rendition of "Fly Me to the Moon,...
Read full storyGoogle Site Banned By Turkish Football Authorities
Google's Blogger site has been in Turkey after it was discovered that some games broadcast live on satellite station Digiturk were being reported live in text form on personal blogs. This is by no means the first time the country has been involved...
Read full storyEU Firm On Carbon Targets
The European Commission is refusing to back down on its target of eradicating the use of carbon paper from the workplace by 2015. Karl Heinz Stiebling, European Commissioner for Policy Implementation and Procedural Oversight, stated to the world p...
Read full storyMore Film Theme Parks On The Way
Hot on the heels of the opening of the Harry Potter Theme Park in Orlando, Florida in 2010, Hollywood Studio Warner Brothers have announced that a Harry Potter Tour will become a reality in the U.K. The attraction will open its gates to the public...
Read full storyCensus 2011
One of the questions in this year's Census caused a great debate in various circles before the final wording was agreed . Census forms , which are due to go out to every household in the land at the end of March, have a question regarding religion. Question 13 asks : "What religion, religious denomination or body do you belong to ?" Many groups involved in the census consultation p...
Read full storyF.A. Sets Up No Fly Zone
The Football Association has announced that, effective from tomorrow morning 9.00 a.m., there will be the first ever "No Fly Zone" set up over England. Frustrated at the number of occasions when the name of English football has been dragged throug...
Read full storySarah Palin's Next Target: Mike Tyson (And His Pigeons)
Let's get ready to rumble!!! Next weekend, Sarah Palin, the self-proclaimed "Mama Grizzly of Reality TV," has her sights set on a heavyweight title fight with fellow reality star "Pigeon Mike" Tyson to decide who is the greatest pound-for-pound train...
Read full storyJoan Rivers and Daughter Melissa Visit Arizona's Grand Canyon and Remark "Okay, What The Hell's So Grand About It?"
FLAGSTAFF, Arizona - Joan Rivers the 97-year-old star of the WE Network's reality show Joan Knows Best and her 42-year-old daughter Melissa visited the Grand Canyon in order to get away from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles. And as the two sto...
Read full storyJustin Bieber and Cheryl Cole To Appear Together On "Glee"
HOLLYWOOD - It looks like 17-year-old Justin Bieber has gotten his wish. His agent has just worked out a deal where he will get to appear with the one woman that he has a first rate crush on. The salivating Bieber and the erotically sensuous Cole...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Newby villagers will not be watching Royal Wedding on the telly
Residents of Newby, Isle of Wight are NOT going to be watching the Royal Wedding on t.v. When asked "Why not?", Mrs. Irma Hoar, of Cheating Crescent, Newby, answered, "Well, for crying out loud, the world didn't 'stand still' when me and our lad got married 32 years back. It's only a bloody wedding for Christ sake. Folk get married every bloody day. What difference will THIS wedding make...
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