Restaurant Survey Rubbished By Survey

Funny story written by Ellis Ian Fields

Wednesday, 9 March 2011


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A restaurant yesterday.

A survey of what annoys us about London restaurants has been rubbished by a "more accurate" poll.

According to a survey to promote London Restaurant Week, the thing that ticks off diners the most is being too close to another table.

The second gripe was "slow and inattentive waiters" while an automatic service charge came in third.

But a survey by PollsRUs for EIF News and Features reached different conclusions.

"Tell you what gets right on my tits about restaurants," said local 'entrepreneur' Dave Plastic, "Effin' shite nosh - that's what! No contest - crap food definitely spoils a meal, 'specially when you're entertaining some client... 'That's f**ked it,' you think."

"Mouthy c**ts who talk too loud and want everyone to hear about how they've just won the Dell account," added Lembit Beaker, who runs that place that sells hardware in the high street. "'Oh yah - worth two hundred grand this year - yah, Gemma was soooo pleased, she cracked open the bubbles...' Makes me wanna put me fist through his phizog."

"Ooh no dear - no time for restaurants, not with my brood," said Mrs Nuala Spools at number 33. "And when we do manage it, it's usually some family room in a pub and you find you've been sitting on some old baked bean or bit of fish finger.

"No, Mr Spools and I haven't managed a night out for ages, I'm afraid."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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