Mourinho To Set Up Real Madrid v Schalke 'Alternative' Champions League Final
If things don't go their way in next week's CL semi-final second leg ties, it is thought that Jose Mourinho will arrange for an alternative Champions League final tie, between Real Madrid and Schalke 04 at Bolton Wanderers' Reebok Stadium. It is b...
Read full storyMan Attacked by Hamburger
Atlanta - Keith Henderson, 22, of Peach Tree City was attacked earlier today by a Big Mac. Mr. Henderson was enjoying his regular meal at a local fast food joint when the sandwich he was about to eat jumped out of his hands and attacked him. Mr...
Read full storyPunter stands to scoop £1 million if royal nuptials bombs
London - The bet will pay out odds of 100,000/1 to a £10 stake if HM the Queen croaks it 'to the extent they have to cancel the wedding'. Mug punta Anthony B Lair took out the wager - maybe on a tip-off - after the MI6 code words 'Kate Will Wear...
Read full storyGovernment Enforces 'Asswipe' Tax on 'Tax Whiners'
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A new bill designed last week will be enforced today. Although the financial year started on 1st April, the government are still beating off criticism from citizens that paying income tax, state tax, or federal tax - or all of...
Read full storyThe Leaflet for the "Being a Fricking Whiner Because of Taxes Act Tax"
NOTE: This leaflet is part of the new government program to stop tax evaders being idiots. SO - YOU'VE DECIDED TO STOP PAYING THE UNITED STATES* GOVERNMENT TAXES? This leaflet will show you the routes you - and we - can take to make sure that your wish of continuing your asshole behaivor comes true! - Move to Somalia. As you probably are a gun-toting, immigrant hater, you'll be able to...
Read full storySAS will be in false trees at Royal Wedding.
Extra security precautions are to be taken by the SAS at Friday's royal wedding to protect the royal family and guests from terrorists. Eight twenty foot high artificial English maple trees are to be positioned around Westminster Abbey with up to...
Read full storyObama Releases 8mm Home Movie Proving He was Born in USA
Honolulu HI - A newly released home movie provided by President Obama may be the key to providing definitive proof that the President actually was born in the Hawaii. The movie, shot in the grainy 8mm film format popular in 1961, shows an expectant m...
Read full storyReese Witherspoon: "Yeah, I'm Into Bondage"
Hollywood, CA - America's Sweetheart and favorite chick flick blond has come clean about what she likes in the bedroom. And it isn't Water For Elephants. "Me and my ex Ryan (Mr. Phillippe-Witherspoon) broke up for way different reasons than e...
Read full storyAstrologer Says: "Kate Middleton Is A Typical, Bleeping C************
London, England - Paisley Andrews, an astrologer with a royal cosmic gripe, says she's looked at Kate's chart and knows the truth. "She's a typical C-word….no, not THAT one… the other C-word: Capricorn. Actually, Capricorns are c**ts so the t...
Read full storyRoyal Wedding in Britain Leads to Royal Arsed Row in Colonies Over TV Rights!
Repercussions from the Royal Wedding continue to escalate in the Colonies causing additional family strife for local man Wally Wordsmithe as his Anglophile wife 'goes over the top' in abject adulation of the impending Mutant Monarchy Matrimon...
Read full storyTermites eat millions of rupees in bank and get belly ache!
As if the "Delhi belly" wasn't bad enough it seems now that even Indian money is not particularly digestable! Termites residing in an Indian bank in Uttar Pradesh decided to eat Rupee bank notes instead of their usual diet of carcases of dead slum...
Read full storyA New Attack on President Obama
Shortly after the media reported that American President Barrack Obama has, officially, released his long-form Birth Certificate, word is out that the Republicans, and the TEA Party, are, already, preparing a new round of attacks. According to an...
Read full storyFergie Celebrates United Win Over Schalke With Fish Pedicure
Following Manchester United's impressive Champions League semi-final demolition of Schalke 04 in Gelsenkirchen, United boss Sir Alex Ferguson decided to celebrate in a most unorthodox manner. Goals from silky footed veteran, Ryan Giggs, and Wayne...
Read full storyWorld Wrestling Champion Chris Jericho "Tossed Off" Dancing With The Stars
HOLLYWOOD - Well now there are only a half dozen celebrity contestants left on Dancing With The Stars as the latest 'Results Show' saw wrestling champ Chris Jericho 'thrown off' the show. Jericho, whom host Tom Bergeron said was one of the nicest...
Read full storyRoyal Wedding News: Fernando Torres To Stage Re-enactment Of His First Chelsea Goal
Chelsea striker Fernando Torres, who scored his first goal in a Blues shirt in the 3-0 win over West Ham last weekend, is to be allowed to stage a re-enactment of the goal at the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton on Friday. Torres...
Read full storyCoyle Pulls Out Of Sugababes Gig
Sugababes have reportedly been forced to perform as a duo for their Wembley Stadium gigs after Nadine Coyle has been ruled out on medical grounds. According to sources close to the group, Coyle has been ordered to not speak for at least 24 hours d...
Read full storyPresident Obama Birth Certificate 'Locked In A Vault Since Birth' Claim Arouses Suspicion
The release of President Barack Obama's birth certificate in order to prove that he was born on US territory - making him eligible to lead the country - has opened a whole new 'can of worms', it can be revealed, with opponents claiming the paperwork...
Read full storyBritney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Heidi Montag Have Just Finished Filming Their X-Rated Movie "The Naked PMS'ing Lesbian Vampire Bitches From Hell"
SHERMAN OAKS, California - Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, and Heidi Montag were hanging out by the pool at Montag's $7.7 million Sherman Oaks mansion Plasticland Manor celebrating their soon-to-be released film, The Naked PMS'ing Lesbian Vampire Bi...
Read full storySnow White & the Seven Dwarfs Announce 2012 GOP Presidential Bid
The announcement came late yesterday via Youtube, facebook, emails, and a fifteen-minute special on Fox News. There she was, Snow Whitee and the Seven Dwarfs: Sneezy, Sleepy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, & Grumpy. Speaking for herself and...
Read full storyDoctors will bleed the Queen one last time
London - The ancient ceremony dates back to Bloody Mary days when loyal courtiers were rewarded with a tot of HM's O-negative. Royal physician Sir Harold Shipman-Culpepper performed today's blood-letting rite despite last week's reprimand for leav...
Read full storyCeltic and Rangers to merge in order to join the English Premier League
Glasgow Celtic and Rangers have requested to be part of the Premier League next season, but such a move would mean two teams disallowed from promotion from the Championship, which has angered several teams from Norwich to Nottingham Forest. "They...
Read full storyPub Singer Arrested
A pub singer in a Bermondsey pub was arrested and jailed overnight after singing "I'm Not In Love" in front of a newly married couple. Jack Taylor, who sings three nights a week at the Dog and Duck pub in Bermondsey High Street, London had just st...
Read full storyKate Middleton: I'm no virgin.
Miss Kate Middleton, to be metamorphosed into Princes Catherine in 48 hours, is taking legal action against two London tabloids - 'The Pun' and 'The Daily Wale'. In an exclusive interview with the hard-news daily 'The Whines' Miss Middleton explai...
Read full storyMan Utd, Schalke: An Apology
It has come to our attention that there was an inaccuracy in our preview of the European Championship tie between FC Schalke 04 and Manchester United yesterday. Under the headline Manchester United's Wayne Rooney To Be Subject To Schalke Winking C...
Read full storyGazza Embarassed By Super Injunction
Former England international Paul Gascoigne has revealed he took out a Carlsberg Super Injunction in 2005 to protect his privacy, but admits that it was a mistake. The Geordie, who made 57 appearances for England and scored 10 goals, has been wagi...
Read full storyAvram Grant Denies Having Death Wish Syndrome
Beleaguered West Ham United boss Avram Grant has denied that he possesses a masochistic streak that makes him only take on impossible tasks. Grant, whose club is currently 2nd bottom of the Premiership and has very rarely been out of the bottom th...
Read full storyBakery Giants See Turnover Rise
UK bakery giants Greggs have reported pre tax profits of £4.5 million for the year ending March 31st, 2011. More than half of the High Street shop's profits can be attributed to the success of their newest confection, the Royal Turnover, a delicio...
Read full storyJustin Bieber, Selena Gomez, and Demi Lovato To Record A CD Featuring Updated Versions Of Beatles Songs
LOS ANGELES - Justin Bieber has stated that he will be going into The West Coast Woodstock Recording Studio located in Tarzana to record a CD featuring updated Beatles songs. Bieber, who has rewritten most of the songs that will be appearing on th...
Read full storyDonald Trump's Birther Problem: Where Are those Wives REALLY From?
Recent investigations into Donald Trump's personal background may threaten his presidential bid, according to Fordham University investigative journalism professor O.D. Ebby. "Mr. Trump's birther attacks on President Obama may be a shrewd attemp...
Read full storyMore Americans Moving To Small Towns, Wish To Hell They Hadn't
Wall street, New York - As the economic crisis deepens in the U.S., many Americans are being advised by financial gurus to relocate to smaller towns where the cost of living is much lower and they can afford to purchase food, clothing, and the oc...
Read full storyWolverhampton Wanderers Manager Mick McCarthy May Lose Council House If Wolves Are Relegated
The nipsy of Mick McCarthy, the Wolverhampton Wanderers manager, was twitching this morning after it was revealed that, should the Premier League club be relegated to the Championship at the end of the season, then the Yorkshireman may face losing hi...
Read full storyAn Excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons" Part Six.
An excerpt From "The Very First Summer of Rebecca Emmons," a novel by Anthony Rosania. But I'm not experienced. They had sex with her because they could. No other reason. Miss Sommers had sex with the girl because it was daring and different and wrong, and because she could. The girl knew that. She did not kid herself about it. With all of them, the ones she remembered, she had felt, then,...
Read full storyThe Obvious, Binary Opposition to Attendance is Truancy OR How Doc Saved My Life. (Part 1)
As I recall, I was grounded for most of Reagan's first Presidential term. I was a "F--k Up", so my mother seared into my psyche as if branding a cow. In light of this fact, attendance in school would have cut great swaths in the time I had to socialize. Recognizing that there were only two available choices, and that the obvious binary opposition to attendance at school is truancy, I decided t...
Read full storyGossip who used to know Kate Middleton called "Royal Correspondent"
LONDON, UK - Mary Younger, a part-time temp worker living in Manchester, is currently employed by the BBC as the station's so-called "Royal Correspondent" for the coverage of Friday's wedding between Middleton and the Prince of Wales. Younger's sole...
Read full storyFirst Non-Gay Man Admits He Cried During Titanic
After fourteen years of men hiding the fact that they cried during the movie "Titanic", William Manson came out today and told the public that he cried during Titanic. Before William, there was another man to admit he cried during the movie, but...
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