Bush Declares "Mission Accomplished" on BP Oil Spill
Flagstaff, Arizona - Attention turned Wednesday to the giant "Mission Accomplished" sign that once again stood behind President G.W. Bush while in Arizona where he was celebrating Cinco de Mayo. This is the same banner that made its first appear...
Read full storyScientists: Ugly People Are Descended From Celery
Research scientists at the University of Newcastle have made a startling link between DNA from ugly people and a particular variety of celery mainly used in vegetable packet soups. The research, based on a sample of 540 people who described thems...
Read full storyDIY used as terrorist torture
MI5 have come under scrutiny today as it has emerged the secret service have been using the threat of making people complete DIY tasks as part of their interrogation process. The story came to light due to the claim of a yet undisclosed source rec...
Read full storyObese baby found dead, cut out of crib
A morbidly obese 22 month old baby was found dead in his crib on Tuesday morning. Charlie Ringwort's 165 pound body had to be removed from his crib via special tools and a saw that firemen had on location. The child was then air lifted to hospital, w...
Read full storyLouisiana Governor Worsens Oil Spill by Erecting Wind Turbines
New Orleans, LA - Louisiana Governor, Bobby Jindal, who obviously has no clue how wind turbine technology works, asked his energy secretary to "pull out all those wind turbines we have in storage right away and start erecting them along the coast." J...
Read full storyTop 12 Things The New Health Care Bill Will Not Cover At The Hospital
12. Special ass flap for gown. $25. But free if you allow some advertising there. 11. 3D TV in every room and always on, $50 per day. 10. Carrying charge for wheeling you out to your car in a wheelchair. 9. Tip for guard who watched over your car while you were inside. $10-$25. 8. Any pubic shaving mishaps. 7. Appendix replacement, $200. 6. Extra, extra special sponge baths are $...
Read full storyPM's health records found in supermarket car park
Falkirk - (Och Aye): Gorgon Brown was shit-faced today amid reports his medical records from a secure hospital near Falkirk were found in an Asda car park. The sordid details were on a computer memory stick found by local pensioner Mrs Ida Crumpet...
Read full storyLindsay Lohan To Play Linda Lovelace Of "Deep Throat" Fame
After the role had been promised to several women, apparently Lindsay Lohan has signed to play porn queen, Linda Lovelace, in a new movie. Keep a lookout for the stories told by the ladies who did not get the role, even though they wanted it and what...
Read full storyElin Nordegren Says Tiger Has A Short Tail
It may have just been a spiteful Elin Woods that told friends that Tiger had a short tail because she knew it would get back to the press because the one "friend" has been spilling her guts since day one. However, Jaimee Grubbs, apparently told T...
Read full storyPope John Paul II Once Levitated The Pentagon
Needing three confirmed miracles to become a saint, a group of 1960's hippies and ex-hippies have sworn that Pope John Paul II helped them levitate the Pentagon in 1969. "He wasn't a pope then but a Polish priest", stated one old-timer, still suck...
Read full storyStephen Hawking's Basement Raided, Rare Historic Artifacts Found
Acting on an anonymous tip, British police raided well-known physicist, Stephen Hawking's basement, where it is reported that they found some incredible historical artifacts from various periods in history. Included with the artifacts was an urn whic...
Read full storyTop Ten Tricks Magician David Copperfield Is Reduced To Doing For Kid's Birthday Parties
Top Ten Tricks Magician David Copperfield Is Reduced To Doing For Kid's Birthday Parties 10. Magically removes a wad of wax from a kid's ear. 9. Makes balloon poodles out of special ribbed balloons. 8. Shows them how they can magically disappear by closing their eyes. 7. Saws Gumby in half and magically puts him back together! 6. The magically sudden appearance of the Manhattan Bi...
Read full storyTop University to offer degree in "State Scrounging"
The University Of Merseyside has created a controversial new degree which aims to educate young females in how to successfully prolong their time claiming benefits. This bold move from Liverpool University stems from recent criticism it received from...
Read full storyMonkey Woods UK Tour Starts Friday!
There was great excitement in the UK today when it was announced that amateur scribbler and noted social commentator, Monkey Woods, would be returning to the country for a 2-week nationwide tour at the end of this week. Woods, currently loafing ab...
Read full storySinko de Gulf Coast Celebrated
As millions of Latinos celebrated Cinco de Mayo around the country today, The BP Corporation announced the Sinko de Gulf Coast Day. As thousands of BP lawyers descended on Mississippi, Louisiana, and Alabama with bottles of detergent, most folks alon...
Read full storyElton John Sphinx! Egypt Ban Rocket Man From Performing Live Show
Elton John has been banned from performing live in Egypt. Already the Egyptian tourist board has been inundated with bookings following the news. "I've never seen anything like it. People phone up and ask us 'Is he really banned?' When tell them that...
Read full storyLady Gaga Changes Name To Dick The Bruiser
After purchasing the old-time wrestler's moniker, Lady Gaga, or rather, Dick The Bruiser, is granting as many interviews as possible as most people are sick of the same old crock of an act she has been doing. "There's nothing new here. We've had t...
Read full storyGiacometti 'Walking Man I' buyer walks off with $106.5m Picasso
New York - (Monet Talks!): He's been at it again! The reclusive art billionaire who splashed out an unprecedented $104.3 million for the Giacometti sculpture in February has snapped up another world record-breaker. Last night the secretive US inv...
Read full storyDerek Acorah launches his own search engine
Phenomenal psychic medium Derek Acorah is to launch his own internet search engine that he promises will rival Google and Bing. The Acorah search engine promises to do away with the tedious business of entering search terms and digging through pag...
Read full storyDead Player Signed By Liverpool
A dead footballer has been signed by Liverpool FC. Croatian soccer star Goran Tunjic has been signed to replace Jose Torres, who is on his way to Chelsea. Tunjic was recently booked for dying on the pitch. This follows a new FIFA ruling regarding...
Read full storyWorld Twenty20 Latest: Collingwood Admits Declaration Was A Mistake
England skipper Paul Collingwood admitted that his sides declaration after one over in the rain ruined match against East Timor may have been a mistake. Speaking at the post-match press conference Collingwood said : "It seemed like a good idea at...
Read full storyMonsignor Francois Dubois, SJ's Confessional for May 5th
Saf"er" Sex -- That's the ticket! Dear Monsignor Dubois: You helped me so much the last time I wrote you for advice, so I thought I'd get your take on my special problem. I know you won't reveal what I say to you, not to anybody, right? Well, last week I picked up this little chippie in the parking lot behind my house. We hit it off really well, and I convinced her to come back to my fl...
Read full storySuBo fanatics start own religion
Susan Boyle fanatics were last night celebrating the launch of their new religion. All fanatics must now join the 'Church of the Previous Week Loonie Susanites.' Members of the church, known informally as 'Loonies', believe that the 'Big Red Scarf in...
Read full storyTaliban Retracts Claim to Times Square Bomb
ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN - Taliban leadership now retract a claim of credit for a plot using an SUV packed with explosive materials to kill Americans in Times Square, New York City. The "correction" to the initial Taliban press release came several hours after pictures of bombing suspect Faisal Shahzad became public. A translation of the Internet video released by the Taliban follows (edited for b...
Read full storyBrown rewrites Monopoly rules
In a daring bid to change outdated regulations in the financial sector, Prime Minister Gordon Brown has rewritten the rules of Monopoly. Mr Brown's new version of the once-popular board game has dramatically reduced the formerly complex rules to...
Read full storyLabour 'dirty' tricks exposed
A devastating e-mail has been leaked from Labour Party HQ, which shows the party demanding that their female MP's do "whatever it takes" to ensure re-election. The suggestion that this policy existed was first raised earlier this week. In June...
Read full storyBrenda Song Records "He Kissed My Cinco De Mayo" As A Tribute To George Lopez
LOS ANGELES - Brenda Song, one of the most popular young stars on the Disney Channel has just recorded a song that she dedicated to comedian George Lopez. The song is titled, "He Kissed My Cinco De Mayo" and tells the sad story of a little girl na...
Read full storyA New Kind of Study Abroad Program
In recent news, Sam Smith, a junior and hipster at Doody University, will be joining the military and fighting in Iraq in order to get the emotional experience for the poetry collection he is working on. When asked if he is proud to be serving his...
Read full storyThe Day After C&W Singer Chely Wright Reveals She's a Lesbian Dolly Parton Proclaims: "Not Me, No Way José, I Like Peckers!"
NASHVILLE - The day after country music songstress Chely Wright announced that she is a lesbian, one of country music's icon's Dolly Parton has stated that she is not a lesbian and that she is partial to as she put it 'peckers.' Parton, who is 64,...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Pammy's Mammies Are Sent Bouncing Back Home
HOLLYWOOD - The producers of Dancing With The Stars did not want to see it, but sadly Pamela Anderson is the latest casualty of the dancing reality show. Pamela Anderson, showed that at the age of 42, she is still a woman that can cause guys from...
Read full storyPhoenix Hoping to Become New Mecca for Metrosexuals
New York, NY - Now that Phoenix is ridding itself of its "melting pot of the Southwest" image, its Chamber of Commerce is doing everything it can to attract metrosexuals to their fair city-if you have to ask, you're not welcome. "We are now looking t...
Read full storyJunior Campers Claim Responsibility for Oil Spill; Limbaugh Says "I Told You So"
On his April 29 broadcast, conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh hinted that environmentalists were behind the BP oil well explosion in the Gulf of Mexico. Many of Limbaugh's liberal foes have been mocking his comment, but today, four members of the...
Read full storyObama Vows To Link Times Square Bomber With Radical Right
Disappointed that once again a Muslim terrorist was responsible for trying to incinerate New York City, President Obama ordered Attorney General, Eric Holder, to do everything possible to link Time Square bomber Faisal Shahzad to Tea Party far right...
Read full storyFart Crop Dusting Awareness Day Held On Cinco De Mayo
We've all been in a crowded pack of people and suddenly fallen victim to a mystery fart crop duster. One minute you're talking to your friend and the next, you're gasping for air and playing detective. Was it the fat guy in front of you or the suspicious senior citizen on your right? Kip Givens, Fart Crop Dusting Spokesperson hopes to discourage this type of behavior by creating awareness about...
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