Chelsea Clinton Wedding Insures DNA of Alvin the Chipmunk will Live On!
Musical fans of Alvin and the Chipmunks were relieved of enormous pressure with the recent notice that Chelsea Clinton is soon to be wed and bred, thereby insuring that the lineage of the lovable singing rodent will not die intestate! Alvin and hi...
Read full storyPerdition; or, The Lure of the Poppy - by Thomas Frailing
'O infinite in the depth of darkness, an infinite craving, an infinite capacity of pain and weakness...O God save me - save me from myself...driven up and down for seven dreadful Days by restless Pain, like a Leopard in a Den, yet the anguish and remorse of Mind was worse than the pain of the whole body - O I have a new world opened to me, in the infinity of my own Spirit!' -Samuel Taylor Coler...
Read full storyMad Hatter or the story of a man in a hurry
Reports of a heat seeking, missile man on a mission, hurtling through the corridors of the UK House of Parliament have reached this writer. The man is the UK Secretary of State for education. His mission is to dismantle the English education syste...
Read full storyNewark Nixes Toilet Paper in City Buildings
Residents of Newark, New Jersey, were shocked this week when their mayor, Cory Booker, announced that, due to a budget crisis, toilet paper would no longer be supplied to city buildings. Uh-oh. Entrepreneurial street vendors immediately ordered b...
Read full storyTesla Motors on Target to Take Obama Regime On Ride of It's Life: For Only $500M!
Tesla motors, darling of the Department of Energy, spurned on by investment guru Al "Big Dawg" Gore, and close confidants of Obama's Chicago Cartel, noted for the GREEN they stuff into their pockets, still hasn't produced one sedan it promised over...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Earning Much More Money Dead! What Would Happen If He Wasn't?
The money keeps rolling in and Joe Jackson still doing a little dance and a grin! "The bills are all paid", stated John Parsley, a CPA now in charge of the Michael Jackson estate. "I guess all those people who said Michael Jackson might earn more...
Read full storyLady Gaga Creates Her Own Scent, Also New Perfume!
Anyone who has been around Lady Gaga for the past year knows that she has that special scent no one else has, a sort of combination Elizabeth Taylor/John Wayne. Yesterday, a British company announced that Lady Gaga's Own Choice will be in all majo...
Read full storySir Paul McCartney Talks About White House While Attending Ringo's Fifth 60th Birthday Celebration
Sir Paul McCartney, much to the chagrin of one Ringo Starr, was surrounded by reporters while he was attending his ex-Beatle partner, Ringo's 60th birthday party (love & peace). Ignoring Ringo's "Hey guys, I'm over HERE!!", reporters asked Sir...
Read full storyAn Irishman's Philosophy
In life, there are only two things to worry about, Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about, But if you are sick, you have two things to worry about; Either you will live, or you will die. If you live, there is nothing to worry about, If you die, you have two things to worry about; Either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go...
Read full storyFattie Oprah offers fellow fattie debt-laden Fergie her own talk show
JESUSLAND: Never let it be said that Oprah doesn't have a big heart. In fact, in a gesture of humongous proportions the once-top-ranked, now in the ratings pile dung-heap talk-show host has offered fellow fattie - the Duchess of Pork - her own talk...
Read full storyThe Female Convicts At The Zsz Zsa Gabor Prison For Females Have Named Lindsay Lohan As The Inmate With The Most Luscious Mouth
LOS ANGELES - After being incarcerated at L.A.'s Zsa Zsa Gabor Prison For Women for less than a week, the newest prisoner at Zsa Zsa has just been named by her fellow convicts as The Inmate With The Most Luscious Mouth. Warden Noah Westbunker was...
Read full storyTom Cruise and Cameron Diaz appear on Top Gear
Pint Size Hollywood megastar, Cameron Diaz and the even shorter Tom Cruise appeared on popular motoring magazine show Top Gear, and went head to head in the reasonably priced car. But who was faster. According to the show, Diaz was 1.45.2, but...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Daredevil Jump Ends in Flames
Cowes - Local daredevil Evil Medieval's plans on resurrecting his career this past weekend by attempting to jump the Carrollton Branch of Beatty Creek in a "State-of-the-art wooden ox-cart" ended in disaster as one of his lead oxen burst into flames...
Read full storyBT mistaken for BP by US Administration
It was with complete bewilderment that many people woke up to the news that British Telecom is to be summoned to a US congressional hearing to answer claims that they played a pivotal role in the release of the Lockerbie bomber. This is despite the...
Read full story'Snakey' Wins Gum-Chewers Final!
Tension was rife in the final stages of the Inter-County Professional Gum Chewing league, as 'Snakey' Henderson came out on top after chowing down against arch rival 'Bunty' Harry Tripp. The two competitors had each fought valiantly through the in...
Read full storyPutin Sends Obama Birthday Shocker: White Russian Kahula Cake with Anna Chapman Inside!
Vladmir Putin, not known to have a stylish sense of humour, surprised even his harshest critics as he shocked the White House when a Russian Ambassador delivered an unexpected birthday gift to President Barry Obama today in the form of a 7 tiered cak...
Read full storyContinuing Rainforest Threat - Yet More Letters To The Editor
Dear Sir, I am writing in something of a self-defence mode today (how ironic to have to defend oneself in a supposedly free country only purged of the Nazi threat by brave soldiers cheered on by yours truly!), after reading an article in your usually-praiseworthy journal as recently as recently. This was a humorous 'squib' or 'skit' I fancy, about my famous songs 'We'll Meet Again' and 'White C...
Read full storyReal Estate Derivative Futures Soar
Leave it to Wall Street to come up with yet another derivative deviation that is targeted for Global Warming believers. Math geniuses at Pamona Junior College have happened upon a math formulas that can be used to calculate future real estate values...
Read full story72 Virgins Interviewed; Say They've Been That Way Forever Because Dead Moslem Terrorists "Can't Get It Up"
The famous 72 virgins promised to dead terrorists for dying in a jihad (holy war) have come forward. The women, ranging in age from 1380 to 1420 years old, say that they have grown tired of their virginity status. "We've been waiting in our Vic...
Read full storyFacebook Addict Tells Co-Workers "I never check my account"
When Anthony Kim, a 38 year old IT consultant, was asked by co-workers if he was on Facebook, his response was automatic. "I think I have an account or whatever. I don't get why people are on there all day." His fellow colleagues moved on with their conversation while Kim stared at his bologna sandwich desperately wanting to run over to his cubicle to check his Wall for updates. His da...
Read full storyLetter To The Editor - A Retired Archbishop Writes
Dear Sir, I am writing to you because I always enjoy your Business Pages and the excellent analysis and advice provided therein (or is it thereon? it certainly isn't 'thereunder' or its arcane relative 'thereinunder' as those are terms used by solicitors to baffle the unwary, but, fair enough, it's a fair cop, fair dinkum, the game's up, you've got me bang to rights, I'll come quietly, society...
Read full storyNun But The Brave!
Having recently rebelled at their enforced retirement,two Benedictine Nuns, Sister Virginie Ardant and Sister Laetitia Fossey, both aged 80 years, made a bolt from the secluded Abbaye de Notre-Dame de L'Annonciation Convent in Avignon recently and ar...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Wroxall Mole-Catcher's Night of The Triffids Horror
Wroxall Mole-Catcher Isaac Clencher stunned the Shanklin and Ventnor region yesterday when he recounted a very disturbing vegetation experience, writes Horticulture, Literature, Dairying, Pest Control & Politics Correspondent, Daisy Bush. In a...
Read full storyTaylor Swift Sues Acne Medication For Making Her Tits Disappear
Country music singer Taylor Swift filed a lawsuit in a Nashville court yesterday against Clear Skin Acne Medication. Taylor, a teenage winner of multiple Grammy Awards, said in her lawsuit that the product made her already tiny tits "just disappear...
Read full storySmall Canine Takes Lead at BP
EMBATTLED oil giant BP has replaced its Chief Executive with a small yappy dog called George. George will assume immediate and overall control of the day to day running of BP and will take a 'paws on' approach to the handling of the Gulf of Mexico...
Read full storyRahm Emanuel Forms White House Ballet Company: Will Star as Lead in "The Nutcracker"
Former ballet star,Rahm Emauel, now Chief of Staff for President Barrack Obama in Washington, announced he is heading up a new Ballet Company with the backing of the White House and plans to star in the premier debut of "The Nutcracker" as it goes o...
Read full storyMass grave in northern Mexico contains 500 bodies believed to be those of Americans who illegally fled south in search of jobs
The Mexican authorities say they have recovered more than 500 bodies from a clandestine cemetery in the northern state of Nuevo Leon. The dead are thought to be victims of American's spiraling unemployment rate who had crossed the southern borders...
Read full storyKings of Leon Upstaged by Pooping Pigeons
Strange as some band names can be, the Pooping Pigeons referred to in this story are literally pooping pigeons. The rock band Kings of Leon were in St. Louis, Missouri Friday night at the Verizon Amphitheater, getting their groove on, when they be...
Read full storyCrackdown on the border
The Mexican government is cracking down on US illegal immigrants coming into Mexico to work at the factories moved down from the US. "These are Mexican Jobs that these illegals are taking," said the unidentified Mexican President of Mexico who w...
Read full storyWhy do I Bother?
Why do I bother to straighten my tail When mother and father linger in jail? Pulling faces when there's no one around, Wasting my time playing the class clown. Oink oink Oink oink Oink oink Why do I bother oinking when I should be asleep, Waking up the neighbour's sheep Writing letters to people who never reply Why? Oink oink Oink oink Oink oink Why do I bother licking my tr...
Read full storyJAMA to Publish Seminal (tee hee) Research Papers on PostOrgasmic Illness Syndrome
The Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) had announced that it will publish research into Postorgasmic Illness Syndrome, including, they say, a cure. First described by doctors in 2002, Postorgasmic Illness Syndrome (POIS) is a condi...
Read full storyBP Says Brit Out, Yank In
BP will officially announce Monday the replacement of CEO Tony Hayward with an American by the name of Bob Dudley. BP is making the switch to put a decidedly hometown face and voice to the oil disaster that threatens to bring the company to its knees...
Read full storyTony Hayward Fired and Asked to Repay Spill Cleanup Costs
Everyone expected Tony Hayward, embattled CEO of BP Oil to be fired eventually over his mishandling of the Gulf oil spill, but it was a big surprise when news came out that BP is holding Hayward personally responsible for the cost of the clean up.
Read full storyGriffin bestows himself high honour
British National Party leader, Nick Griffin, has announced that he has awarded himself one of Britain's highest awards. Griffin has given himself the Order of the Bath, a honour usually reserved for individuals held in considerably high esteem by soc...
Read full story'Blushing bride' Chelsea's ugly, corrupt-as-hell and Gennifer Flowers' daughter!
New York - (Whitewater Mystery News): No amount of bullshit spin can hide it. And next weekend's Clinton/Mezvinsky-Lewinsky nuptials caper is oozing karmic payback by the BP barrel load. What actually triggered it may be the oh-so-surreptitious...
Read full storyCastro simulacra makes another rare trip out of cold storage to visit neighboring mausoleum
The President Fidel Castro automated impersonator has made its first reported appearance outside Havana since handing over power to Raul Castro in 2006. Cuban television showed the realistic 83-year-old automaton leaving his own cold storage to vi...
Read full storyObama's Birthday Bash Confusion: Exact Date in Question as 3 Countries with Different Time Zones Claim 'Native Son!"
A $30,000 per plate birthday party fund raiser for Barack Obama by a Chicago mobster has reopened unanswered questions about the regime leader's actual birthplace. After the birthday bash announcement by policy & numbers man Jermaine "Crawdad...
Read full storyFairy Tales For Tourettes sufferers. Goldibolox and the three bears
Once upon a time, a little slut named Goldibolox was walking through the forest. She came upon a small house, and thought, hello, I think I will burgle that place. The little bastard broke a window and crept in. After searching the house and finding nothing, she realised they were working class wankers that must be on the fukin dole. Feeling a bit pekish, she went into the kitchen, there, on the...
Read full storyPenelope drops her posh ways
Penelope had come to a decision. Chatting with Terence she had found out that his family were Labour Party supporters. Clearly she had to change a few things. To start with, her name was too posh. 'I'm not Penelope any more Mum, I'm Penny.' 'Very well darling. That's up to you.' 'And don't keep calling me darling, Mum. It's so soppy. And I can't stand Mummy and Daddy - it should be Mum...
Read full storyIs the Coalition Broke?
Signs of stress for the Coalition Government are beginning to emerge. Rumours that David and Nicky are not satisfying each other have troubled Tory Backbenchers. 'It's because Nicky is always a bit too wet' said one 'David likes his drier in my ex...
Read full storyOriginal Spoof News Manuscript Sells For £1,800 On Dickinson's Real Deal
A writer for renowned satirical website TheSpoof.com this morning flatly refused to believe that the first draft of a story he scribbled on the back of a beer mat with a bog standard biro down the pub, sold for £1,800 on Dickinson's Real Deal - the c...
Read full storySunday Papers In Crisis
Britain's Sunday newspapers suffered their worst crisis in over eighty years today, as there was absolutely no domestic news worth reporting - especially for the tabloids. While there were some overseas developments worthy of reportage for the 'qu...
Read full storyMan With World's Largest Penis And Woman With World's Largest Vagina Signed Up By TV Channel
Fears among industry insiders that Channel 5 would be dumbed down to greater depths than ever before, following its recent purchase by media tycoon Ricardo Dismal were reinforced today by the announcement that the man with the world's largest penis a...
Read full storyLouisiana Woman With Six Legs Shows She Can Sure Dance Up A Storm
SHREVEPORT, Louisiana - Bristol Beth Van Loop, 27, who was born with an amazing six legs, entered a local dance contest and won. The dance contest director at first said that he was going to have to disqualify Miss Van Loop, but then when all of...
Read full storyIsle Of Wight News - Ryde Man Denied Insurance Payout
Ryde man, Piers Dearlove of The Smeltings, Outhouse Lane in Ryde was left in tatters today when his insurers refused to pay out on his contents insurance policy, supposedly because he had made a suspicious claim following an accident at the family re...
Read full storyBilly Bob Thornton is Pregnant
Yep, Billy Bob is intentionally pregnant and happy eating pickles and ice cream. When asked whom the father/mother was Thornton stated, "I've been married five times and it don't work for me. I'm on my own on this one". In actuality, an army of...
Read full storyJustin Bieber and Miranda Cosgrove To Star In The Kiddoes Channel Movie "The Pre-Teen Werewolves Vs. The Teen Vampires"
HOLLYWOOD - The Kiddoes Channel has just announced that they will soon begin production on their new teen movie entitled The Pre-Teen Werewolves Vs. The Teen Vampires. Canadian teen singing sensation Justin Bieber will appear as young Count Alfred...
Read full storyCanadian Writer Comes Home Smelling of Fish; Wife Almost Fillets Him!
Reports are coming in from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) of a domestic disturbance that has sent at least one citizen to hospital, and left a shambles in a domestic kitchen on the outskirts of Toronto apparently after an outdoor sporting e...
Read full storyMuck Swamps United Kingdom Beaches
London UK: The Sun is reporting that a special session of Parliament has been called with the Queen to be in attendance. Prime Minister Cameron and Parliament need to consider the current "muck spill" cleanup on UK western beaches. The UK accident ha...
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