Lembit Opik Discovered To Be An Anagram
In the second such story inside a month, Liberal Democrat politician Lembit Opik has been discovered to be a strange anagram. Only days ago, American pop princess, Britney Spears, was found to be an anagram of Presbyterians, and now Opik, who was...
Read full storyCIA renamed 'Muslim Suicide Bombers'
America's Central Intelligence Agency, famous for doing Britain's dirty work across the planet in the name of American freedom, was today renamed the Muslim Suicide Bombers. As yet another MSB attack killed hundreds of innocent civilians in Iraq,...
Read full storyTop 10 Feng Shui Decorating Tips
For those with an avid belief in Feng Shui decorating your house can be difficult as most people who believe in Feng Shui live in government sponsored 'rest-homes.' But fear not! As this week we give you our ten top tips for good Chi living! Tip number one is simple- make sure your house has a chair. Several if you actually have friends or relatives. Make sure this is positioned in a place wher...
Read full storyBerlusconi rants against press intrusion into model life but Blair challenges Berlusconi for Magic Roundabout love child custody.
Silvio Berlusconi has lashed out at Italian newspapers for publishing details of his lingerie property portfolio. However, it seems minors' details have got even more complicated as Blair, now a confirmed devout Roman Catholic, having introduced a va...
Read full storyGordon Brown To Call November Election
Gordon Brown let it be known last night that he may well call a November Election after being called upon by Labour and Conservative party members to set out a firm date. Mr Brown has had a stressful week in Parliament and the Expenses scandal may...
Read full story'Swine Flu As Dangerous As Cardboard' Says Top Scientist
A top scientist last night told government medical advisors that swine flu is still prevalent in the UK and that ordinary citizens are all at risk before adding 'but it's about as dangerous as cardboard.' 'Daily Mail' journalist Stanley Blackbott...
Read full storyThe MPs' expenses row explained yet again on BBC and Sky news
Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah. 'Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah, blah - blah blah.' 'Blaherty blah blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah!' Blah, blah, BLAH, blah blah blah blah, blah blah. Blah blah blah...
Read full storyRepublicans to Pelosi: Fess Up or Face Water Boarding
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move historically consistent with Republican tactics, Republicans told House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today that she either needs to confess what she knows about water boarding, or face having a confession forced out of her by one...
Read full storyMonica Lewinsky To Star In, "Ms Pacman, The Movie"
Although she's been out of the spotlight over the last 5 or 6 years, everyone still knows Ms. Monica Lewinsky, once the "toast" of Washington DC Democrats. Now Ms. Lewinsky is back as she's just signed a contract with Marlow Productions to star in th...
Read full storyVanessa Hudgens & Brenda Song fighting physically over West Side Story & Twilight roles
Teen queens, Brenda Song and Vanessa Hudgens have been recently fighting physically over several film roles. The ''New York Times'' recently reported that Vanessa's lifelong ambition is to play the Marie, the female lead character in the West Side St...
Read full storyUN order a gigantic saw for cutting off Somalia from Africa
After non-stop wars, conflicts, starvation, raping of innocent refugees and no possible end to the misery suffered by Somalia's population, the UN have made a majority decision to cut the shit-hole off of the African continent and then let a man-made...
Read full storyThe Gurkhas Are Coming!
(Joanna Lumley Latest) There was mayhem in central London this afternoon when, after a meeting at Downing Street with Prime Minister Gordon Brown, the ex-New Avengers totty, Joanna Lumley, emerged from no.10 and announced the grave news that: "The...
Read full storyPope questioned on Jesus Christ's chat show
Chat show host Jesus H. Christ today gave Pope Benedict the Fourteenth a hard time on his show, 'It Ain't Rocket Science', live on BBC1. As the former Nazi walked on to the stage, he was somewhat taken aback to be greeted by boos from the studio audience, and shouts of 'Liar!', and 'Fascist!', and awkwardly took his seat, dressed in a woman's purple and white dress. The Pope, not the seat, whic...
Read full storySchoolteacher explains categories of lessons to pupils
'Now listen, children, let's go through it once again. Angelina Jolie is a film actress, hence should be written about in entertainment essays, not UK headlines ones. So is Clint Eastwood - well, you know what I mean - so don't put him in science and technology.' 'And seemingly endless mentions of your own gender hang-ups have nothing to do with any of the classes, and certainly nothing to do w...
Read full storyObama's latest ridiculous speech
'People of America, I'm not American and haven't a clue about the world, but I am - I think you'll testify - the worst and most insincere speaker since John F Kennedy. Who famously iterated his famously famous quote - 'I am a donut'.' 'And now, as Americans realise I am just a token, hot-housed in foreign countries to win my fixed Presidential election, when the Republicans deliberately let me...
Read full storyDrogba charges UEFA referee with insulting him
Chelsea striker Dider Drogba today charged UEFA referee Tom Not-Fooledby Divingsson with insulting him during the Champions League match against Barcelona. Disciplinary proceedings have also been taken by the player against the Metropolitan Police...
Read full storyHull City Intend To 'Kick Lumps' Out Of Manchester United - Brown
As the world waits to see if Premier League newboys Hull City can survive their first-ever season in the top flight on Sunday, their manager, Phil Brown, made a statement today saying that his team may not beat Manchester United, but they will give 1...
Read full storyOsama Strikes A Deal
Osama bin Laden has sought for a "stop-search" from President Barrack Obama to enable him visit America, apologize to Americans and present him with a formula on how to stop terrorism. But the snag which is leaving the White House confused is that...
Read full storyFashion: Look good for summer 09
The world of fashion is an ever changing, ever mutating mêlée which to the casual onlooker resembles nothing less then a squashed peach being licked clean by goblins. So how can the ordinary man and woman on the street choose the best clothing options this summer and avoid ridicule and abuse by designer snobs? The first thing to look at is a mirror- what body type are you? For those tall an...
Read full storyAce Your Job Interview!
During these cash-strapped, under-nourished times when most people smell like tears and Special Brew it can be useful to find gainful employment and start earning money. Like most worthwhile things in life, getting a job requires hard work, dedication and begging on your knees like a dog. Here are some useful tips for today's hardy job seeker- Buy a suit and wear it on the day of your job i...
Read full storyHitler Has Last Laugh
An amazing interview with a former staff member of Adolf Hitler, who was in the Berlin bunker to the end, reveals that the Fuhrer was quite a joker, with a fantastic sense of humour who took infantile delight on playing tricks and jokes on staff and...
Read full storyHay Fever Pandemic Imminent
UK Health Officials warned today that a hay fever pandemic was about to blitz the UK. Symptoms are said to manifest themselves in continuous sneezing, a runny nose, and teary eyes. Opinion is divided as to what causes the mysterious ailment, with...
Read full storyVictoria Beckham To Be New Face Of MickyDee's
MickyDee's today announced that Victoria Beckham has accepted a multi-million dollar advertising contract to be the new 'Face Of McD's.' Executives at the burger franchise had been expressing mounting dissatisfaction with the old clown logo, claim...
Read full storyCheney: "Waterboard Me." Obama: "No, Waterboard Me!"
(Washington, D.C.) The debate between former Vice President Dick Cheney and current President Barack Obama over United States policy on detainees at Guanatanamo Bay, which has been intensifying over the last month, shows no sign of diminishing. The l...
Read full storyRonald Reagan statue erection outside Scrubs nonces wing
London - (Sordid Ass Mess): The erection of a Ronald Reagan statue outside Wormwood Scrubs nonces wing has been given the nod following the declassification of cold war security files protecting foreign sex offenders' secrets. The move was met wit...
Read full storyQueen To Abdicate - Lumley Named As Favoured Successor
The Queen announced today to a stunned nation that she will be stepping down from her 56 year reign and in an astonishing break with Royal Protocol and tradition has appointed Gurkha mouthpiece Joanna Lumley as her successor. Prince Charles was re...
Read full storyJackson Rushed To Hospital - Shows May Be Scrapped
The future of Michael Jackson's 50 date 'This Is It' final farewell series of gigs rests in the balance today following the ailing King Of Pap's rushed admission to hospital in the early hours of this morning. Organizers today admitted that it was...
Read full storyFace Transplant Man: "I'm Still Bloody Ugly"
The recipient of the world's first male face transplant has launched an unprecedented attack on the previous owner of his face. James Maki, 59, who underwent the operation after suffering severe facial damage in a subway accident, launched into hi...
Read full storyNadine Dorries Commits Suicide, Politically Speaking
Nadine Dorries, the Tory backbencher, is thought to have wrecked her political future after she claimed that MPs were victims of a "McCarthy-style witch-hunt" over their expenses. The Conservative Party is deeply embarrassed by comments that the M...
Read full storyExpenses Scandal Now Available Online
A cabinet minister was looking for help online last night after becoming embroiled in the expenses scandal. Mr Clarence Hopkins, a labour MP, asked the followers of his Twitter account to come up with an excuse which might sway the general public in...
Read full storyDefinite Royals Vs Possible Racist In Garden Party Brawl
Several people were shocked recently to discover that British National Party spokesman Mussolini Evans was invited to a Buckingham Palace garden party as the guest of someone important whose name escapes me. At the garden party he will literally...
Read full storyPete Goes Into Hiding As Jordan Flies Home
Broken man, Peter Andre today enlisted the help of a spoof.com reporting team to help him to hide from estranged wife, the formidable Jordan, who returned to the UK from the Seychelles to deal with the couple's increasingly acrimonious divorce. Pe...
Read full storyBGT Irish Dancer Is A Raving Nutter
Neil Horan, the red kilted Irish dancer who made it through to the BGT semi-finals on a split vote, has been exposed today as a dangerous extremist nutter. Horan, 62, a defrocked priest and one-time alleged sex offender was revealed to hold some p...
Read full story"Bikini Girl" To Tour With The Jonas Brothers
NEW YORK CITY - The Kuddly Koala Talent Management Agency which manages the Jonas Brothers has just released a news report that Katrina Darrell, alias Bikini Girl will be going on tour with the Jonas Brothers this summer. The 83-city concert tour...
Read full storyMime Flu Hits France
There is panic in the streets of Paris this morning as an epidemic of Mime Flu has hit the country most famous for it's legendary mimes. "It's hit us with the suddenly" stated one man who agreed to talk with us through his mask. "We got up this mo...
Read full storyGerman Teen Who Sold Virginity Now Linked to Italian PM And Says Taxes May Cause Her to Lose Ass Too!
Bonn, Germany/ Financial News - A Romanian student studying in Germany who auctioned off her virginity is now facing the grim reality of paying half her "income" back in taxes! The 18 year old student "gave it up" to an Italian "businessman" alle...
Read full storyTeen Pregnancy Video Shocker A Success
A graphic teen pregnancy video produced by an NHS trust and showing a young girl giving birth has been seen nearly 1.5 million times on the internet. The hard-hitting video was produced by Leicester City Teenage Pregnancy and Parenthood partnershi...
Read full storyControversy Surrounds Ranulph Fiennes Everest Conquest
It emerged today after live satellite pictures showed a shattered Ranulph Fiennes claim 'The Oldest British Person to scale Mount Everest', was awash with cheat allegations. If rumours are proven to be true, Ranulph Fiennes used a 'Stoner Stair lift'...
Read full storyMan With World's Smallest Penis Dies Of Triple Cialis/Viagra Cocktail
Johnny "PeePee Gone" Waters, the man with the world's smallest penis has died from an overdose of a triple Cialis/Viagra cocktail according to police in New York City. "We think he had reached his limit with either one of the penis-helpers and tri...
Read full storyNew talent show "Britain's got Expenses"
The soon-to-retire Speaker of the House of Commons has been hired by Bid Up TV to present a new talent show on television. "Britain's Got Expenses" will very much follow the format of existing talent shows by holding heats throughout the country i...
Read full storyMP who claimed costs of penis enlargement to "give it back"
The row over MPs expenses has taken a new turn as the Daily Telegraph revealed in this morning's edition that Tory MP John Thomas claimed £10,000 for the cost of a penis enlargement operation. Westminster staff apparently "chopped the claim down to £...
Read full story10 steps to take to avoid catching swine 'flu
Do wash your hands many times a day, as all people over the age of 3 do Don't read the Daily Express Don't watch ITN News Don't jump into any canals full of rabid, starving, great white sharks Don't wait to be struck by lightning Don't send your taxes to the Labour government Don't read Labour government leaflets Don't walk into the middle of the M1 fast lane, with a sign sayi...
Read full storyAnti-Crash Mobile Phone unveiled
It is widely recognised that driving whilst on a mobile phone increases the likelihood of a fatal car crash by 123%, however, spotting when somebody is on the phone is a difficult task for the police. Mobile Phone manufacturer Seamens have come up...
Read full storyObama Statue at Madame Tussaud's Keeps Moving to the Left
London England-Call it "The Mysterious Case of The Moving Statue". A wax figurine of Barrack Obama can't seem to stay in one place here at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum. Crews first noticed that the statue had moved a few days after it was installed in...
Read full storyBrown to Unveil 'Five-Year Plan' for Recovery
Prime Mincer Gordon Brown is to unveil a new 'National Plan' as he tries to fight back from recent setbacks, The Diary has learned. The new Five-Year Plan is Brown's blueprint to lead Britain out of recession and extend its public service reforms.
Read full storyTeen queens, Demi Lovato and Debby Ryan Fighting over Joe Jonas
Teen queens, Demi Lovato and Debby Ryan have recently posted Youtube videos declaring their love for Jonas Brother, Joe Jonas and imitating each other. Debby and Demi have been recently involved in a cat fight at coffee shop in L.A. a source clai...
Read full storyShopping Centre Hit by Fumes Scare
A shopping centre has been evacuated and more than 30 people treated by paramedics following a fumes incident. Medics were called to The Bullring Shopping Centre in Birmingham after staff and shoppers complained of feeling dizzy and nauseous. A su...
Read full storyTwo Fingers given to Hazel Blears
Disgraced Salford MP Hazel Blears was attacked by outraged constituents in Salford yesterday while attending local elections in her constituency. Rowan Tree of the city of Salford used the last of his giro cheque to buy a four fingered Kitkat wit...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Sues UK Furniture Retailer
Prince of Pop and paedophilia poster-boy Michael Jackson is to take legal action against a furniture company, according to a statement released today by his lawyers. Jackson, 50, has been diagnosed with cancerous skin lesions, which threaten to de...
Read full storyMel Gibson Brings Knocked Up Russian in a Versace Knock Off to Cannes
Former Religious fanatic but still drunken fool, Mel Gibson made an appearance at the Cannes Film festival with his new pregnant Russian girlfriend. The crowd of almost universally addicted and unfaithful film stars were shocked by Gibson and his Oks...
Read full storyWillie Nelson Dating Tatiana Del Toro
AUSTIN - Willie Nelson, who at 76, shows no signs of slowing down has admitted that he has been secretly dating American Idol's Tatiana Del Toro since this past Christmas. Nelson who has the energy and stamina of a man half his age recently perfor...
Read full storyRapper Swizz Lil Stick Beatz Wants Gag Order in Divorce Trial
Rapper Swizz Lil Stick Beatz wants a secret divorce proceeding after his not so secret affair with Jazz singer Alicia Keyes. Beatz wife will stand for no such thing as she would like the world to know her pain: "Swizzle is a cheating little dick...
Read full storyGod Declares that Richard Dawkins Never Existed
The new Archbishop of Westminster revealed a divine oracle delivered to him that makes it clear that from an heavenly perspective evolutionary biologist and virulent atheist, Richard Dawkins has never existed. Attempts to reach the scientist were all...
Read full storyTwilight Three: The Eclipse May Include Sarah Boyle Songs
The latest rumor out of Hollywood and filtering into Vancouver, British Columbia where the Twilight movies were filmed, is that not only have several of the actors in the first two Twilight movies signed a contract to do a third, "The Eclipse", but t...
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