Republicans to Pelosi: Fess Up or Face Water Boarding

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 22 May 2009

image for Republicans to Pelosi: Fess Up or Face Water Boarding
"They don't know who they f*ckin' wit'," said the House Speaker, flashing a notorious CA gang's sign.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a move historically consistent with Republican tactics, Republicans told House Speaker Nancy Pelosi today that she either needs to confess what she knows about water boarding, or face having a confession forced out of her by one and the same method.

With his hand clenched around Pelosi's throat, Newt Gingrich glared menacingly at the popular California Democrat, telling her, "You'll cooperate, if you... know what's good for you." Pelosi reportedly spat in his face.

"What's his major malfunction, anyway?" said Pelosi of the incident later. "The biggest 'torture' was having to deal with eight years of the Bush administration! You know, I'm not really sure what else he thinks I could possibly know. I'm a female liberal from California so, hey, it's not like Bush and Cheney were always tracking me down, making sure I had the latest update on everything their 'good ole boy' network was doing. I mean, they would have been scared I'd blow the whistle! I knew there was torture, sure - I'm not naïve. But God only knows what kinds of crap those two deviant redneck bastards were up to half the time!"

She discreetly leaned forward, whispering, "Did you know? One of them [Cheney] is from Wyoming, where they say men are men, and sheep are nervous! And the other one, well... you've heard the one about steers and queers, right?

"Just kidding!!" she exclaimed with a wink. "I'm from California! It's okay, guys! Really!"

House Republicans argue that Pelosi is a liar. Nevertheless, some have pointed out that these attacks against the Speaker of the House are both politically motivated and typical of the Republican party.

Jane Cartwheel, a political analyst for The San Francisco Onion, says the whole Pelosi water boarding issue is meant to divert attention away from the fact that it was their own Republican administration who okayed water boarding in the first place. Whether or not Pelosi was given this highly classified information about the technique, as well as whether or not she will spill the beans about it now, is certainly not the most important issue in regards to suspensions of human rights by the Bush Administration that had nothing to do with Pelosi. Cartwheel compares the diversion to what was happening in politics ten years ago.

"That's when they [Republicans] tried to impeach Clinton," she points out. "It was a similar situation, because it stemmed from a frustrated Republican party. Unable to advance their agenda in the face of Clinton's popularity and success, they resorted to distracting their opposition, 'flipping the script' and putting spin on anything you could think of."

Cartwheel recalls Kenneth Starr, who spent $40 million in taxpayer money over the course of several years to investigate what originally began as some allegedly shady land deals by the Clintons known as "Whitewater." The investigation kept expanding and expanding in scope, expanding a few more times before finally expanding beyond all imaginable scope. The net result, she says, was that Bill Clinton was finally exposed to have told what amounted to a "little white lie" under oath, a fib about a personal, private sexual indiscretion with an intern named Monica. "Forty million dollars later, they tried to impeach Clinton for his fib, but it was all just an elaborate distraction."

She likens the tactic to throwing a handful of marbles on the ground when somebody has you on the run. Or maybe some tacks, an oil slick, even a bucket of tar. She says it really bothers conservatives that, with a President who's a Democrat and a Democratic majority in both the House and Senate, they can't advance their right-wing agenda, much like Republicans in the late 90's who were irritated at progress being made by the Clinton administration and its Centrist policies. So, they resorted to tactics like these, trying to trip everyone up, distracting them from important legislative work.

"And besides," adds Cartwheel. "Newt Gingrich was at the forefront of the movement to impeach Clinton for the affair uncovered by Starr, when Gingrich himself was having an affair. Now, he's leading a charge in the crusade to persecute Nancy Pelosi about what she might or might not have known concerning tactics allowed by the Bush Administration, an administration admittedly not known for its openness and transparency, especially with regards to information shared with anyone outside its cherished right-wing."

Cartwheel also says Pelosi is being scapegoated because Republicans are "too chickensh*t" to go after Obama. She says they don't want to seem like they're the "anti-black" party, not because anyone thinks they aren't, but more because they fear retaliation for such a perceived stance. Therefore, they have chosen to attack the Obama administration from other angles. Pelosi, however, says she's not scared, urging Republicans to "bring it on, if they think they can handle it."

"I'd like to see him even try to water board me," said Pelosi, speaking of Gingrich. Flashing the sign of a notorious California gang, she added, "He don't know who he f*ckin' wit'."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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