Bar Owner Fined For Playing 1930's Music
A bar owner in Lubbock, Texas is being sued by a copyright company for allowing local bands to play music that was out sixty or seventy years ago. "Your Cheatin' Heart", a classic Hank Williams song from the early 1950's is named in the suit along...
Read full storyOctogenarian White Racist Goes Mental At Museum
Washington, D.C. - 89 year-old white supremist, James Von Brunn, today shot and killed a security guard at the Holocaust Museum in the capitol. Initial reports indicate that it was a random act of a deranged gunman who, after carrying years of hate t...
Read full storyBlowjobs refusal strips Carrie Prejean
California - (Horny Ass Mess): Weeks of schmoozing, drooling, cajoling, pleading and begging on his goddam sodding knees have ended with Donald Trump, 69, stripping Carried Prejean. In public. Right from the start Prejean, 22, was adamant that...
Read full storyPattinson And Stewart Work Out Problem Together
After Robert Pattinson was caught in a compromising position with stunt-double Heather O'Brien recently, things almost got out of hand, admit the "Twilight" couple. "I've talked all this over with Robert and then I had a good talk with Heather and...
Read full storyAngelina Jolie the Untold Story
Fourty-one year old minor league supermodel, Jenny Shimizu, says she had sex with Angelina Jolie to punish her for the unnatural cravings Jolie had for younger women. During a recent interview at a costume party, Shimizu came dressed as the termi...
Read full storyBill Killed
There was controversy in a Bangkok wardrobe this week, when David Carradine, the former Kung Fu legend, was found dead in amongst his clothes at one of the city's top hotels. Carradine, real name Bill, was staying at the 5-star Swissotel Nai Lert...
Read full storyAir France bomb outrage: Carla Bruni did it?
Atlantic Ocean - (AssoCIAted Mess): A top FBI lawyer investigating Carla Bruni-Sarkozy's patronage of North Korea's nuclear weapon testing program may have been the main target of last week's Air France bomb. The leagle eagle had been on Carla's t...
Read full storyA-Rod And Kate Hudson A "Natural"
Kate Hudson was spotted making out with Yankees star Alex Rodriguez aka A-Rod, according to some late leaving fans who told the New York Parade. "We saw Kate Hudson at Yankee Stadium in the stands earlier and a bartender was asking patrons not to...
Read full storyMosley coroner slams drug dealers' customer service
London - (Smack Bong Wallop Mess): Rotten customer service by get-rich-quick fly-by-night drug dealers was strongly criticised at Westmonster Coroners Court today. An inquest into the drug death of Nazi S&M fetishist Max Mosley's son Alexander...
Read full storyNew Anti-Social Networking Site 'What You Lookin' At?' is launched
After the success of Facebook, Twitter and Ireallyneedablowjob.web, the latest of many social networking sites has been launched, but this time with a subtle twist. To suit the needs of 21st century urban living, 'What You Lookin' At?' allows user...
Read full storyNew health minister Andy "Bum-ham" tells the Beeb the jurrasic NHS is perfect apart from a 640 million quid debt!
After being burdened with the worst possible ministerial position in the UK government, new health minister Andy Bum-ham gave his first upbeat interview on our fav breakfast show hosted by cuddly "Billy Boy" and Kate "the Bitch next door." Cuddly...
Read full storyZsa Zsa Gabor named Tsar Tsar
Hungarian legend and wedding cake-makers' favourite, actress and good-time-had-by-all girl Zsa Zsa Gabor, was today made the UK's official Tsar Tsar. 'There where so many Tsars being created', Prime Minister Gordon Brown said, 'that we needed to c...
Read full storySarah Palin Disses The McCain's, Limbaugh, Coulter, and Tina Fey
BALTIMORE - In a move right out of Romancing The Stone, Frost Nixon, and The Titanic, Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin waltzed right into the Orioles Nest Hotel's Brooks Robinson Convention Room and literally stole the show at the GOP Fundraising Dinner.
Read full storyBritney Spears and Madonna to open Autoerotic Sex Clinic in London
London, UK - Britney Spears and Madonna announced today their plan to open an autoerotic sex clinic in London. The clinic is to be called "Carradine's". Banking on their names as hot, sex-driven celebrities, the two have each invested over $1 mil...
Read full storyGordon Ramsay: Transformer
In breaking news, celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay has announced that he has become a physiological phenomena, a transformer. Yes, the foul mouthed Scot says he can transform himself into GORDON RAMSAY malevolent mysoginistic homophobic narcissistic mon...
Read full storyScientists report - Horoscopes are accurate
In a report published today, scientists based at the University of California (Los Angeles) claim that research has proven horoscopes to be accurate. In a striking section of the 600-page document, a survey of Taurus and Gemini subjects activities...
Read full storyPixel Liberation Army
It started back in the 1970s when Pacman ate his first ghost. Within a year, aliens were being decimated in their thousands across the world as they marched down computer screens in arcades. With the advent of games like Doom, and latterly World o...
Read full storyForeign Secretary perfects dumbed-down elocution
Oxford and Harvard educated David Millipede has perfected street-cred speech mannerisms that stand comparison with Tony Bliar at his coolest. Speaking yesterday on the Today programme, Mr Millipede demonstrated near-perfect use of the glottal sto...
Read full story"Slim Jim" Snaps Into One Too Many Mechanically Separated Beef Snacks
GARNER, NC - James "Slim Jim" Mumford is missing and two others are dead following a massive explosion at the Mechanically Separated Jerky Treats factory in North Carolina Tuesday morning. Mumford had already eaten more than one-hundred of the com...
Read full storyPrime Minister Apologises - Resigns
Embattled Prime Minister Gordon Brown came to the front door of No 10, Downing Street at 1155 am today and spoke to a small group of passing tourists. It is worth noting that Downing Street has been opened to the public as a demonstration of the n...
Read full storyBNP to allow "Slightly coffee coloured people" in new membership drive
BNP HQ today released a statement announcing a slight adjustment to their membership criteria. "Slightly coffee coloured people" are to be allowed to join the party on a trial basis announced Mr.Griffin with one eye looking at me whilst the other...
Read full storyPiers Morgan to join Government
Piers Morgan has admitted that his best friend Gordon Brown has offered him a job in the Government. Rumours about the appointment started after the gregarious ex Daily Mirror editor talked about it incessantly on numerous TV programmes. Gordon's...
Read full storyEnglish Gets Its Millionth Word
NEW YORK CITY, NY - The English language contains more words than any other on the planet, and it added its millionth early Wednesday morning, according to the Global Language Monitor, a web site that uses a mathematical formula to predict the freque...
Read full storyTube Strike-Latest
Today is the first day of a planned 48 hour strike by London's beleaguered tube drivers. This will put London into chaos and affect millions of honest hard working commuters trying to get in to work and try to keep the economy ticking along. RMT u...
Read full story"Shady" Malik Rips Off British Taxpayers
Shadik Nomar Malik may have used British taxpayers' money to have multiple offices, surgeries, hairdresser salons and suspicious massage parlors across the United Kingdom and around the world. Shady Malik's name has appeared on more leases across...
Read full storyRussell Crowe to Star in "NottingJustaHam" If He Can Get Rid of Ridley
Russell Crowe has asked Universexual Pictures to remove his long time secret lover, director Ridley Scott from his latest heroic film enterprise. Crowe crowed to Universexualist execs that if he could just get rid of Ridley he could truly become Robi...
Read full storyFarm Animals Blast Senate Democrats, Republicans
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In the Senate, key negotiators broke up a session Monday, prompting American farm animals to criticize senators from both parties, who they claim "have the taxpayer feedbags on again." With the protracted debate of health care o...
Read full storyGeneral Motors to Prevent Auto Erratic Asphyxiation
Car companies have been choking consumers with inflated prices and high pressure sales techniques since time immemorial. For as long,they have been polluting city and countryside with their poisonous products. Now that Mr Economic Trouble has come ar...
Read full storyIran Declares War on Saudi Arabia
Tehran Iran: Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced today that a state of war exists between the Islamic Republic of Iran and the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. King Abdullah could not be reached for comment. Saudi Arabian environmentalists have convinc...
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