Clothes to be Made Even Cheaper
Shoppers received the news they had been waiting for tonight, when High Street fashion giant, Primark, announced that from next month, prices in its stores will be a damned sight cheaper than ever before. The reason for the new, lower prices, is t...
Read full storyU.S. Porno Whizs Ask For Government Bailout
The leaders of the porn industry were all sitting around on their stained couches in various states of undress chomping on Domino's pizzas. Stardust had just given the delivery guy a tip he'd never forget. "I'm bored." said Maximum Headroom, star of 'No Butts About It'," What could we possibly do to out-sleaze anything we've done before?" "Hey!" yelped Larry Flynt, "Let's ask for a gov...
Read full storyCourt Grants Jennifer Love Hewitt Restraining Order
A California judge has granted a restraining order for keeping an accused stalker away from actress, Jennifer Love Hewitt who hopes this will end her year-long ordeal. The actress and her attorney, John Jacobson, stated in court that David Nolte,...
Read full storyPreparing for Parenthood part 3
Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children. Holl...
Read full storyTrisha to replace Jonathon Ross
Channel 5's chat show host, Trisha Goddard who has seen her show axed by programme makers, is hotly-tipped to replace Jonathon Ross's show on a Friday night, oddly called 'Friday Night with Jonathon Ross'. Following Ross's flop ratings, the BBC have...
Read full story'Dumbo' to be Re-Released on 20th January
'Dumbo' the 1941 animated feature film produced by Walt Disney and first released on October 23, 1941 is scheduled to be re-released in a new digitally enhanced DVD format Special Edition on January 20th. Although denied, the coincidence with this...
Read full story'Big Dictator' replaces 'Big Brother'
Today Channel Bore announced it was axing 'Big Brother', and replacing it with 'Big Dictator'. Director of programmes, Sir Vanessa Thortlehurst, said: 'Yes, 'Big Brother' was about as interesting as watching Gordon Brown make another slimy speech.
Read full storyBush : "What a vacation that was!"
Outgoing US President George Bush spoke today about the "greatest time of his life" in reference to his tenure as leader of the most powerful nation in the world. With apparent non-recognition of his influential post Bush declared, "I can't tell y...
Read full storyNo Panic At Stamford Bridge
A flower vendor outside Fulham Broadway tube station today announced categorically that there was no crisis at Stamford Bridge. Rumours abounded that Roman Abramovich, the Chelsea 'owner' was 'not best pleased' with his multi-million pound team's...
Read full storyArthur Pewty Determined To Maintain Low Profile
Reputed Neasden hard-man, gangster, and Mr Fixit Arthur Pewty today announced to panting pressmen that he just wanted to be left alone. Pewty, who has been implicated in everything criminal from the Brinks Matt robbery to the assassination of Joh...
Read full storyAbdul/DioGuardi Scuffle on 'Idol'
The cynical Simon Cowell revealed recently in an interview with Canadian PoP Magazine that there has been tension on the set of American Idol. Songwriter Kara DioGuardi has joined Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson on the judges panel for the 2...
Read full storyHarry Potter Star Disses Series
According to an anonymous source, Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe has recently admitted to his "intense dislike" of J.K. Rowling's popular Harry Potter books. "I'm honored to have been chosen as lead actor in the films, but as far as the books...
Read full storyWest Highland Terriers Make Crap Gangsta Accessories
Somewhere in the UK. Just after teatime - An investigative Spoof reporting team today went out onto the mean streets of the UK with the intention of documenting street gang activity. As we pulled into a local shopping area in our unmarked dustcart...
Read full storySharing a Senior Moment
An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most sincerely. Dear Sir, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque a...
Read full storyBush gives Blair gong 'for hushing up his Good Friday Piss Process-gagged bastard son'
Washington - (ReUterus & AssoCIAted Mess): George W Bush has lavished the US's top diplomatic gong on his gelded Poodle by way of thanks for a series of whopping great big terrorism whitewashes also known as the Good Friday Piss Process Agreemen...
Read full storyClinton Grilled on Madoff's Library Contributions
Washington AC/DC - (Ponzi Scam Mess): The Senate Foreign Relations Committee has grilled Obama Secretary of State-nominee Hillary Clinton over the size of Bernie Madoff's 'charitable' donations to her husband's presidential library. "I'm guessing...
Read full storyWorld Leaders Squabbling Over Who Gets to Show Obama the Ropes
With Barack Obama's inauguration as President of the United States just days away, several prominent heads of state are competing for the privilege of "buddying-up" and taking him under their wing as he makes his first tentative steps onto the tricky...
Read full story5000 Porta Potties for 5M at Inauguration: Obama Now Selling Reserved Seating!
Washington,DC/ Porta Potty News - Sanitation workers in charge of the January 20 Presidential Inauguration say that 5 million Obama believers will be "shit out of luck" as the $40M event will only provide for 5,000 porta potties! That translates int...
Read full storyAmy Winehouse's Husband Sues For Divorce
In London, a lawyer for singer Amy Winehouse's oft and presently jailed husband, Blake, says his client will be seeking a divorce on the grounds of the celebrated rehab artist's alleged infidelity among other things. The attorney, Henri Brandman,...
Read full story"This will be the death of her!" as Pakistani family sues royals for slander, defamation
Buckingham Palace - (Smelling Salts Mess): The royal physician has warned about increasing the Queen's senile dementia medication yet again despite widespread fears a racist slur lawsuit will clean out the royal coffers. This morning legal papers...
Read full storyDog Fishing Outlawed in Alabama
Responding to an upswing in the practice of dog fishing, Alabama lawmakers have sent a measure to the Governor's desk outlawing the cruel sport. "We need to send a message to folks that catching dogs from the back of moving pick-up trucks with fis...
Read full storyOut Foxed by CBS: Judge Judy to preside in the Tony K Lee murder trial
Florida - In a one hour special (less 18 minutes for commercial breaks) Judge Judy will conclude the trial in the Tony K Lee tot murder case; CBS announced yesterday. FOX News had been carrying out their own trial by television, but has been getti...
Read full storyPrince Harry arranged marriage shock!
On the topic of the recent Harry debacle over the use of Paki, comes reports that Harry is involved in a arranged marriage to Pakistani princes Zahra. A spokesman from Clarence house stated that these allegations were part of Charles disgust abou...
Read full storyBush's End: The Final Address
Viewers were stunned when they tuned into what was billed as President George W. Bush's final address. After just 30-seconds into the Thursday evening speech, the outgoing chief executive stood up, walked to the front of his Oval Office desk, yanked...
Read full storySales Of Armchairs On Increase On Fulham Road
Several furniture stores in South London appear to have bucked the current economic trend, and have reported a marked increase in the sales of living room furniture, particularly armchairs and footstools, says a report. Two stores, Feather & B...
Read full storyNumber Of Obese Americans Outweigh Fatties
A Washington health group says that the number of obese American adults outweighs the number of those who are merely overweight, by a total of some 275 ton. Numbers posted by the National Center For The Bloated (NCTB) Statistics show that more tha...
Read full storyInspirational Painter adds UFOs to pictures
Placerville, California-Internationaly famous inspirational painter Thomas Kinkade said today that starting immediately, his new paintings will each feature a prominetly displayed UFO. "I was abducted by aliens. I was told to paint these horribly...
Read full storyTaliban Leader To Apologise For Racist Remark
A leading figure in the Taliban in Afghanistan, is to make an apology for a racist remark he made to a British soldier he encountered in a struggle between the two in Helmand province last November. Abdul Hanif, of no fixed address, was in charge...
Read full storyMisogynic Musings & Ironies
If a Vagina be the single part of Woman, Splendid and Unique, What on Earth is this Cunt of which squalid juveniles speak ? Alas, such Enigmatic Ciphers are beyond the savvy of a minor, The Cunt is actually the baggage who owns the damn Vagina ! And if bred of Aristocratic Grain, or some abject Proletariat Hussy All qualify as basic Life Support systems for the Sacred Pussy, And whatever Pos...
Read full storySarah Palin Nude Photos beats Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus
Google, Lycos and Yahoo search engines have revealed their most searched for terms for 2008. With the American election dominating press around the world, Sarah Palin was undeniably the most searched for female on the planet, with the surprising n...
Read full storyPrince Harry tells midget "I'm sorry for calling you a Paki"
The row about Prince Harry calling another soldier a "little Paki" is now officially over, the Palace has said. Speaking through a large aperture in its front door, St James Palace announced that the prince had apologised to the diminutive Pakista...
Read full storyBlagojevich's Hairpiece Seen from Outer Space
Embattled Governor Rod Blagojevich's hairpiece was recently spotted from the Hubble Space Telescope. Astonomer, Wyatt Eibaal, honed in on the hairpiece as it was floating down a Chicago street atop Blagojevich's pate. "It wasn't hard to find,"...
Read full storyObama Wiggles Ears
President-elect Barack Obama delighted a crowd at a Washington D.C. Starbucks by dropping in and showing how he can wiggle his ears. "I can wiggle 'em... I'm tellin' ya!" he said to an enthused audience and proceeded to do just that to the oohs an...
Read full storyRonaldo Fingered as Playah ov da Yeah
ManU star Cristiano Ronaldo has been named Player of the Year. Judges from across the genders have joined forces to tell the world that this Portugoose can play it like a superstar. An incredible collection of humanity and even some bestialities...
Read full storyLiberator Barack Extends Leases on Gitmo Cage Condos
The Great Liberator, Barack Obama, has announced that he will extend the leases on the cage like condominiums inhabited by Bush administration torture victims. Obama told the Wat southern Real Estate Weekly that initially he planned on freeing gi...
Read full storyOxford Elderly Ear Institute Rebuts Scientific Research that Elderly Ears Expand
Dr Dumbo Orrechia of the Oxford Elderly Ear Institute has vigorously disputed the widespread scientific and popular belief that old ears are ears of great size. For centuries now common and uncommon persons have fervently held the belief that agi...
Read full storyPresident Bush Forced To Sell His Texas Ranch
CRAWFORD, Texas - President George W. Bush, who will shortly be leaving office has stated that due to the horrific state of the economy he will be having to sell his ranch in Texas. Bush purchased the 1,583 acre ranch, which he named, 'The Lazy Ba...
Read full storyReputable Journals Like the Atlantic Ocean Annual Cast Doubt on Palin's Child's Legitimacy
The Atlantic Ocean Annual continues to report that Sarah and Todd Palin's child Trig is not their biological offspring! Evidence of a late pregnancy announcement and photos of a not pregnant Palin weeks before the birth seem to support the reports.
Read full storySarah Palin and Caroline Kennedy in Steel Death Match: Two Women Politicos Enter, One Leaves
Alaskunt Sarah Palin has challenged former pony rider Caroline Kennedy to a wrestling match to the death. Palin was furious when she discovered that the Kennedy heiress, despite little political experience and a curious dialect was not being subjecte...
Read full storyUS porn industry seeks stimulus as economy slows sex drive
After ailing banks, automakers and ice cream vendors have all received loans and government bailouts, the US porn and sex work industry is ready to demand a government stimulus 'package', saying the economic slowdown has reduced sex drives and hit bu...
Read full storyWebsites withdraw 'Smileys' and 'Emoticons' after Miley Smiley Virus scare
Admin staff at social networking sites have been forced to withdraw 'Smileys' and 'Emoticons' from chat rooms and discussion boards in a desperate bid to halt the spread of a potentially dangerous virus. Smiley's are tiny animated characters that...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Smiley Virus
Chat rooms and forums across the World Wide Web were on high alert this evening after a leading internet security firm issued a 'Code red' warning after a Smiley was found dead on an as yet unnamed social networking forum post originating in Dublin,...
Read full storyBush: Biggest Regret Was Not Scoring With Dana Perino or Getting To First Base With Condi
WASHINGTON - At his final news conference today, President George W. Bush reminisced about his disappointments, mistakes, accomplishments and regrets, while, in the oval office the past eight years. After thanking the reporters who have covered hi...
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