US porn industry seeks stimulus as economy slows sex drive

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Tuesday, 13 January 2009

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Limp sales cause for concern.

After ailing banks, automakers and ice cream vendors have all received loans and government bailouts, the US porn and sex work industry is ready to demand a government stimulus 'package', saying the economic slowdown has reduced sex drives and hit business hard.

Larry Flynt, publisher of Hustler magazine, along with representatives of sex workers unions and of Pfizer, manufacturer of Viagra, are heading to Washington to ask the Congress for a $50-billion 'perk up' package.

They claim that sales went flaccid last year, plunging 45 percent as the economy went increasingly limp.

"With all this economic misery and people losing money, jobs and homes, sex is the last thing on their mind," Flynt is quoted as saying. "They turn on the news and it's pretty much a 100% turn-off.

"Trust me, Bambi Woods and a handful of Viagra couldn't get sales up," added Flynt.

Adult sex worker spokesperson Ron 'the Hedgehog' Jeremy told reporters: "Congress seems willing to get down on their knees for our nation's major businesses no matter how rapacious or whether their CEO is under indictment and, well, we feel we deserve the same consideration.

"It's time for Congress to arouse the sexual appetite of America."

All concerned are adamant that the sex industry will have the staying power to remain tumescent once stimulated, but nothing less than the country's health and future demographics are at stake.

"People are too depressed to be sexually active," sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer said Friday. "This is very unhealthy as a nation.

"Americans can do without cars and such, but they can't do without a hard dick."

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