White House announces Madoff pardon, position on health panel
The Obama White House announced a new addition to the newly formed Health Care Special Funding Commission. In a stunning move, President Obama announced financial wizard Bernie Madoff will be joining a panel of top investment gurus to hammer out...
Read full storyWoodstock - Wow! Forty Birthday Candles!
WOODSTOCK, New York - It was billed as 'Three Days of Peace and Music' in New York State. It was The Woodstock Music Festival. The unprecedented musical event presently celebrating its 40th anniversary was held on Max Yasgur's dairy farm in mid-A...
Read full storyStorms Ravage Midwest, Rape Charges Filed
Joplin, MO--Summer storms caused flash flooding and millions of dollars of property damage last night. But the destruction apparently was a clever ruse to disguise more sinister intentions: sexual assault. Marilyn Nieswyde, a partner at the Nie...
Read full storyQueen personally sanctioned bomber's Ramadan release
Tripoli, Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya - (Rioters): "It's August, it's the Leo new moon and it's almost Ramadan," Buckingham Palace Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon commented on the day's Lockerbie bomber release headlines. As many ha...
Read full storyGender Storm Spills Over from Track and Field to White House: Who Really Has the Balls in the Obama Household?
Kenya/ Obama Family Newsletter/Circulaion 2750 The recent controversy over a female South African Olympic Track and Field Winner, has now raised fears amongst liberal Democrats that Michelle may be the only Obama in the family with a pair of ba...
Read full storyCheryl Cole's weight causes problems on X Factor
Cheryl Cole's weight has once more been in the news, but this time for the oddest reason - she is now lighter than air. A source who has sat in on some of the X factor sessions told us that the famous footballer's wife has had to have lead weights...
Read full storyFavre Reveals Troubled Relationship with his Shadow
In a revelation that many saw coming months ago, newly signed Vikings QB today admitted the source of his chronic indecisiveness and schizoid behavior. "My shadow. It's been vexing me for a few years now," the perennial pro-Bowl QB said Thursday i...
Read full storyObama Health Care Endorses Cannibalism as Part of Organ Donor Awareness: Protesters Chant: "Don't eat Grandma" in Town Hall Meeting!
Barney Frank was met with hisses, catcalls, and whistles as he appeared in front of constituents today, but it wasn't for his Way Left Liberal Policies but a part of a Gay Karaoke fund raiser to support President Obama's stance on Cannibalism in his...
Read full storyYouth Pastor admits, "Michael gave the best nose I ever had!"
NASTYASS, Indiana - A 52-year-old, former youth pastor for the Jehosephat's Witlessness Church, Baldfazd Lier, AKA, Ben, told a SRO press conference Friday that he "alone was Michael Jackson's true love, and longtime life partner." The Reverend Li...
Read full storyMagician Caught In The Act
MIAMI - Renowned magician Dirk Copafeel has done it again, well sort of. He was apparently charged with fondling himself while performing a naked magic act at his tawdry private Bahamian island this past weekend. The show, entitled Blow Me Away...
Read full storyCaster Semen-ya: all woman?
Limpopo Province, South Africa - (Muscular Ass Mess): "So what if my daughter looks a bit like Frank Bruno? So does the First Lady of America but nobody's askin' to check her gonads!" Dork-Ass Semen-ya was speaking at a press conference after her...
Read full storyMagician Faces Sexual Assault Allegations When Penis Magically Appears in Wrong Box!
The world famous magician Buck Goldmember has come acropper with yet another charge of rape by a 22 year old aspiring model allegedly duped into accompanying the illusionist to his private island for a personal interview. Reports leaking out from...
Read full storyComputer Hacker Breaks Into White House Computer Steals Michelle's Cornbread Recipes
WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House Spokesman Cal Colfax has confirmed that a computer hacker has broken into Michelle Obama's White House computer. The incident occurred while the first family was vacationing in Arizona. Colfax said that surveillance...
Read full storyeCumonme.web now top dog in hookup biz!
GREENUP, KY - Like Humpty Dumpty, eHarmony.com has taken a big, big fall, clear from the top position in the dot com dating and hookup business, that is. And like old Humpty, ain't nothing going to put it back together again because there is a new...
Read full storyDisgraced Jimmy Swaggert To Open "Mr. Jesus Pizza" Throughout The South
Birmingham, Alabama: Disgraced tele-evangelist Jimmy Swaggert has announced taking his ministry in a new direction with the opening of more than 300 "Mr. Jesus, Pizza Shops". "Let's face it, folks just don't go to church anymore, but they do eat t...
Read full storyAdam Lambert's Pants Explode, Sues NYC Bank
Adam Lambert, the singer who came in second on "American Idol, has had some more bad luck after withdrawing money from a branch of a Manhattan bank. Who knew it would cost him a trip to the hospital? "I'm beginning to think someone has put a he...
Read full storyFranck Ribery Pursuited By Real Madrid, Joins Chelsea
The French attacking midfielder Franck Ribery has signed on to join the London giants Chelsea for a mega 46 million euro bid with Joe Cole moving to the German team and the loan of Portuguese Deco. Chelsea's owner Roman Abramovic travelled to Germ...
Read full storyGerman Chancellor Adolf Hitler has visited Hungary for festivities marking the third anniversary of the opening of its country to the Nazis
The decision helped many thousands of Jews and Communists to be sent to their deaths, and today's event was called 'the Pan-European Massacre' by Herr Hitler. And the Chancellor, who grew up in Austria, thanked Hungarians for 'their lack of courag...
Read full storyObama's Prince of Darkness settles into Regent's Park residency
London - (Ferrero Rocher Mess): In scenes of unprecedented disgust Regent's Park residents have staged a mass protest outside the US ambassador's official residence where Obama appointee Louis Susman parked his corpulent ass on Monday. "Many of us...
Read full storyBilly Joel Avoids Another Wreck By Turning Himself In To Traffic Officer
According to a source inside a Los Angeles Police office, singer Billy Joel, who has wrecked his car three times over the past few years, has had a close encounter with the traffic cops and was arrested again, Monday. Apparently Joel, was driving...
Read full storyQueen's royal flight chartered as Lockerbie bomber goes Scot-free
HMP Greenock - (Big Bang Query Mess): The Queen has lent her personal RAF runabout to Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset Ali al-Meghrahi who was released on George W Bush's compassionate con-servatism grounds from Greenock jail today. The Pan Am 103 bomb...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Burial Delayed When Black Man Shows Up In Coffin: Body Switched?
Beverly Hills, Ca./Mortuary News - Jackson funeral goers were horrified today during the final preparations for the burial of the Pop Star when the body of a 225 pound black man with a large nose was found to be occupying the final resting place of t...
Read full storyNever-ending Whitewater cover-up behind Blackwater psych-ops
Little Cock, Arkansas (Ass Mess): She's not Hillary Clinton she's Susan Foster, first ex-wife of Whitewater land deal fiasco stooge Vince Foster, the 'suicided' ex-Rose Law firm associate whose short-straw karma was to be married to a Hillary Rodham...
Read full storyGolf Pro To Join Royal Family
Struggling golf professional, "Duke" York is to join the British Royal Family. Much-loved by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews, Fife, the Duke - as he is known to all and sundry on the Old Course, has been a professional since the age...
Read full storyA cautionary tale by Monsignor Francois Dubois, S.J.
Back in the days when donkeys, mules and horses were used to haul ore cars in the coal mines of West Virgina, their animals were purchased, at great price, by the miners themselves. Thus, to lose a donkey was a tragedy that might cause the miner's family to starve. One night, a miner was leading his donkey home after working the late shift in a mine. He decided to walk along the railroad tracks...
Read full storyBeckhams To Be Released From US Custody
Former UK Prime Minister and European Union President - in - waiting Tony Bliar has brokered a deal with new US president Barracks Obama. Apparently, David Beckham (England soccer star) and his relatively unknown wife, the former Spice Girl Victor...
Read full storyKerry Katona in drug quiz with police
'Entertainer' (well she does get up to some entertaining stuff does 'our' Kerry) Kerry Katona has been taken from her home by the Wilmslow police for questioning. She was whisked away in an unmarked patrol car - well unmarked apart from the word "...
Read full storyCristiano Ronaldo Replaced By Empoli F.C's Francesco Marianini For A World Record Bid And Rafael Van Der Vaart Going To The Italian Club
After the pre-season fixtures and the training sessions, Cristiano Ronaldo proved that he was no more than a perfect substitute. So Real Madrid's chairman Florentino Perez and new manager Manuel Pelligrini had to find the perfect player to fill th...
Read full storyPussy assaulted by pussy!
GRIMSBY, Lincolnshire - Yes, yes, enough with the pussy jokes, already! But as a West Virginia Confederate in Queen Elizabeth's Court (or so I'd like to be), I cannot pass up this one last (right and I'm an Earl and I own this bar) pussy pre-dick-a-...
Read full storyMilwaukee Mayor Just Says No to Malt Liquor Bull, Brewery
MILWAUKEE, WI - A tough-as-nails Wisconsin mayor turned down an offer by a Milwaukee brewery to appear in a series of malt liquor spots with a giant bull from California, according to sources, but he got to meet the beast anyway. Milwaukee Mayor...
Read full storyNo one wants to get into Victoria Beckham's knickers!
NEW YORK CITY- Victoria Beckham may be a Spice Girl; she is married to soccer cock, er, jock, David Beckham; she has signed a multi-million dollar contract to (tentatively) replace Paula Abdul on "American Idol;" and she has lost so much weight that...
Read full storyCarter Desperate to Feel M.J.'s "Magic" Again!
LOS ANGELES, CA., USA Aaron Carter evidently carried on the old Carter family tradition of "hide and go peek" with his mentor, Michael Jackson. During Jackson's child molestation trial it was revealed that Carter attended Jackson's 45th birthday...
Read full storyVikings sign Kevin Skinner as QB
Eden Prairie - Minnesota Vikings believe they have found an answer to their quarterback woes by signing America's Got Talent singing sensation Kevin Skinner. Skinner who bears an uncanny resemblance to Brett Favre claims to have never thrown a foo...
Read full storyWorld Bank Offers to Bail Out Switzerland if Swiss Banks Fail
Washington's Columbian District an der Ostküste der USA - Anticipating Swiss poverty if Switzerland's major banks fail, The World Bank has announced that it will extend a helping hand to the landlocked country in the form of a one-billion-dollar (U.S...
Read full storyThe Best Little Whorehouse In Texas Sold To South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford
LA GRANGE, Texas - The infamous Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, aka The Chicken Ranch has finally been sold. And the buyer is none other than South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. Sanford purchased the long-abandoned Chicken Ranch through Nolan R...
Read full storyMichael Jackson Drops from Top
LOS ANGELES, CA, USA Michael Jackson's fans and supporters expressed shock and dismay today when the new issue of "Rolling Stoned" magazine revealed that Jackson had at long last been supplanted from the number one spot of Billboard's Hot 100. Cl...
Read full storyYasser Arafat Knew Osama Bin Laden
Gaza City: The Hamas leadership today denounced Yasser Arafat as being Gay, saying "we are killers who hide behind women and children, but he stood behind others." This latest Hamas revelation is not new, as a power struggle now exists with the P...
Read full storyTaylor Lautner Steroid Use Affects Film Set Crew Member
VANCOUVER, British Columbia - Manchild Taylor Lautner has a serious problem, said a lighting technician, and it's starting to cause tensions on the set. Phillip Wordsworth, 33, said he has had the exact same problem with other actors in the past,...
Read full story