Granny Sphincter's Pies win at FOODEX '09!
Granny Sphincter's the hugely successful traditional apple pie maker, again scooped the top award at the NEC FOODEX '09 exhibition. Started only in 2006 by Gwyneth Snood former nursing home owner of Machynlleth, West Wales, the range has been a ru...
Read full storyRiot as "Girls Aloud" group sings in tune
The centre of Birmingham, which is in a city in the British Midlands just outside Dudley, was the scene of rioting and pillaging following an appearance by popular girl group "Girls Aloud" who specialise in singing to death 30 year-old songs by peopl...
Read full storyHarry Redknapp To Be Given The Freedom Of The Borough Of Haringey To Go With The Freedom Of Portsmouth
Harry Redknapp, the new, and most successful Tottenham manager in living memory, is to be awarded with the the Freedom of the Borough of Haringey at a civic gala in recognition of his wonderful services to Spurs. It is the second such honour to b...
Read full storyConcrete Chocolate. New Food Scare
Strong rumours are emerging from Chinese sources regarding a huge concrete in chocolate food scare. It is believed that for some years Chinese chocolate confectionery has been bulked out with concrete,obviously saving money and increasing aggregat...
Read full storyNevada's Bunny Ranch Brothel Offers New Services
Famous for being one of Nevada's hottest and legal brothels, the Bunny Ranch announced that it will expand on its current "menu" of services to include things more in tune with the needs of today's personal service market. Following business and...
Read full storyPresident Barak Obama declares war on Scotland and John McCain changes his surname to Kennedy just in case.
In an unbelievable amount of time, Barak Obama made his first major decision as President. Totally ignoring the fact that he is not sworn in until January 20th. Declared war on Scotland and gave the Nation 48 hours to surrender or face the wrath of...
Read full storyPresident-elect Barak Obama loses no time in choosing new cabinet
With only ten weeks to go until president-elect Barak Obama takes over at the White House from current incumbent George Privethedge, many people thought he might be a bit undecided regarding his cabinet. However, he has lost no time in preparing h...
Read full storyWilliam Gallas Gets A New Agent
(Football Agent) Pierre Frelot : "Hello Is that Sky?, It's Pierre here, Calling from Paris, I'll get straight to the point, I have given up talking to Arsenal, let's face it, they hate me for recommending Mikael Silvestre, and well, William is very upset with Wenger for signing a load of crap Kids, he's tried everything, crying like a baby, slagging off his team-mates, smoking and drinking, but t...
Read full storyRogue Rabbi Revelation!
Rogue Rabbi Rick Rickstein recently revealed reservations regarding one of the central beliefs of his religion. Rickstein, long time friend of Mel Brooks, admitted that "We could have been a bit hasty about the whole Jesus thing" Acknowledging tha...
Read full storyLakers To Finish Season On Great Pyramid In Giza
The National Basketball Association Commissioner, David Stern, announced today the 2008-2009 season will be cut short and the Larry O'Brien trophy will be given to the Los Angeles Lakers. To make up the loss to fans and players alike the rest of t...
Read full storyBoy who pulled faces left permanently disfigured after wind changes
An 8-year old boy who disobeyed his mothers advice not to pull funny faces has been left permanently disfigured after the wind suddenly cahnged direction. Little Uder from Bavaria was entertaining the other kids at the kindergarten by sticking his...
Read full storyHeather Mills An Inspiration To One-Legged Women Everywhere
Heather Mills is being touted by women all over the world after her huge divorce settlement with ex-Beatle, Sir Paul McCartney. "So she got $50 million bucks", stated one-legged Ilene Johnson of Hadley, Massachusetts. "Good for her. I'm going to s...
Read full storyMiley Cyrus To Tour With Ozzy Osbourne and Tony Bennett
OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma - Miley Cyrus, 15, will be going on tour with Ozzy Osbourne, 59, and Tony Bennett, 82. Her personal manager claims that this tour will probably break The Rolling Stones tour record. Dexton Boyardee, an account executive wit...
Read full storySarah Palin Forced To Give Back All Her New Clothes
Sarah Palin, the running-mate of losing Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, has been told she must return all of the new clothes bought for her recently in the party's vain attempt to 'scrub her up'. The Alaska Governor ran up clothing...
Read full storyNASA still paranoid about Apollo missions' gamma ray laser gun on Moon
Pasadena, Ca - (X-Files Mess): Scientists at NASA's Jet Convulsion Laboratory are still freaked out about the White House finding out that they put a massive gamma ray burst-generating laser gun on the Moon during the Apollo landing missions. The...
Read full storyGiant stimulation could solve mystery of 'black holes'
Outer Space - (ASStronomy Mess): A NASA probe may be sent to the zodiac's fabled stellar giant Orion to solve the mystery of gamma ray bursts within the constellation's black holes. A massive laser stimulation may then be put into operation using...
Read full storyObama Names Oprah Ambassador to Afghanistan
In a surprise early announcement, President-Elect Barack Obama will choose Oprah Winfrey for his Ambassador to Afghanistan. Suggested in the press the night of the election where Oprah was featured on camera in the Chicago city park crowd, Winfrey w...
Read full storyCIA's X-Files chief to begin debriefing Obama
Langley, Virginia - (AssoCIAted Mess): Cold war stalwarts at the President George Herbert Bush Center for Intelligence (sic) are to begin their disinformation induction program on Rev Jesse Jackson's illegitimate son and president elect, Barack Obama...
Read full storyUnited States Senate and House Republicans Initiate Pre-Inauguration Impeachment Proceedings
Boldly carrying on as Senate Majority Leader after a narrow election, Senator Mitch McConnell today said "It is time for the Senate to continue our politics as usual. We are then going to follow our fellow Republican brothers and sisters in the Hous...
Read full story'Palin didn't know Africa was incontinent' mud slinging begins
Juneau, Alaska - (Sorry Ass Mess): A Fux news anchor has weighed in with the first anti-Sarah Palin slur of the new presidential era. TV correspondent Carl Cameron has mocked Palin on primetime by claiming she was ignorant of ex-Bush Secretary of...
Read full storyNaked Obama Waxwork Unveiled
London, England - London's most famous tourist attraction, Madame Tussauds, has launched its latest wax-works exhibition, featuring newly-elected American President, Barack Obama as its main attraction. Never shying away from controversy, Madame...
Read full storyWhites ask: Are ya happy NOW?
Having reached the pinnacle of power in all venues of mankind, from the entertainment world, to sports, music and arts, all manner of cultural influence, and now President of United States, whites ask blacks, "Are ya happy now?" White Joe Six-pack...
Read full storyForeigner Elected President
The United States of America has elected a foreigner as its next President, in a move that shocked the entire world outside of CNN studios. Speaking from his 32-room hunting palace in Texas, psychiatric patient and drug user George 'Duh' Bush said...
Read full storyDucks Sue United States
AP NEWSLIAR (Wash. DC) -- Ducks nationwide have filed a class-action lawsuit against the People of the United States. The lawsuit charges that use of the phrase "lame duck" in reference to the soon-to-be over Bush administration constitutes slander.
Read full storyFrench Cork Soakers Rated Best in Wine Industry
Following the prestigious International Wine Tasting competition held in Bordeaux, France this last week, a formerly unrecognized segment of wine industry workers was featured at the event. While vintners typically take all the credit for an award w...
Read full storyJeremy Vyle told me to put a condiment on the end of it. And I got my knob stuck in a sauce bottle.
TV personality and self-styled 'humiliationist' Jeremy Vyle found himself in bother from the National Dyslexics Association (NDA) today. After it was found that dyslexic Chav Tyrone Dillon Mitchell 17, who has ADHD, had got his girlfriend pregnant...
Read full storyInterest Rates cut
In an effort to speed up progress through the looming recession, the Bank of England are set to cut 2% off the base interest rate. Since lending began, the largest ever drop was 1.1% back in 3187 (on the Hebrew Calendar), and this cut dwarfs that.
Read full storyEnergy crisis over, Obese to the rescue!
In a surprise and innovative initiative announced today by the G7 economic countries, plans are at an advanced stage to offer initiatives to the obese to undergo liposuction. Scientists have discovered that human fat is 12.8 times more energy effi...
Read full storyBeatle reunion grows closer as their existence is questioned
Doctors in London have confirmed that both Sir Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr are unwell, leading fans to conclude that a long awaited Beatles reunion may be close at hand. However as the world waits anxiously, many experts now believe that the alleg...
Read full storyDear Paraphernalia4YourGenitalia: Should I collagenize my G-Spot?
Dear P4YG, I have never had a G-spot orgasm as far as I know. In fact, I do not even think I have a G-Spot. Some of my lovers have spent half the night digging around down thwere in adesperate search for the mysterous magical mound. Though I keep telling them that there probing does as much for my sexual response they just keep rubbing. Do you think I might be a good candidate for collagen...
Read full storyScientists find that Glass is just too big
Scientists at Macquarie University claim to have answered one of life's ultimate questions. The team of seventeen theoretical and particle physicists has been studying whether the glass is half full or the glass is half empty. After three yea...
Read full storyBlack Down Low Sweeps in on Obama Coat Tails!
As much of America celebrates the first Black Prez-Elect, liberal as he is, Florida, Arizona and even California passed legislation to prevent gay marriage. Pollsters and pundits search for an explanation to the seemingly anomalous results. That is,...
Read full storyGOP - Spot Therapy Offered at Crucial Polling places: Make it GO OFF Like a Roman Candle!
No one was surprised that Republican Party organizers were giving out Viagra at polling places since they had done that since Bob Dole. When your party has an ageing membership a chicken in every pot just don't cut it anymore. But when a new th...
Read full storyGordon Brown Distracted by Pornography
London - Tory critics say Prime Minister Gordon Brown is being distracted from his duty to the nation by his pornographic screen saver showing a woman's naked leg. The pornography was discovered after hours by a cleaning lady who bumped into Mr. B...
Read full storyBarack Obama Picks Oprah Winfrey To Be His Secretary of The Treasury
WASHINGTON D.C. - President-elect Barack Obama told Larry King that he will be naming Oprah Winfrey to be his Secretary of the Treasury. Obama said, "Not only is Ms. Winfrey one of the most honest persons that I have ever known, she is also one of...
Read full storyAlaskan Voters Choose a Felon, a Philanderer and a Flop!
Russian neighbor, US State of Alaska proved that living in a frozen wasteland seriously distorts political judgment. The Senator Stevens convicted of multiple felonies attracted a majority of Alaskan votes. Head of the Alaskan Republican Party, M...
Read full storyPalin Blames Preggers Daughter for Republican Loss
Republican anti-cunts and policy cocks have been pinning the blame tail on the Sarah Palin Jackass.Headlines in Republicant publicantion read: Palin Pulls Electoral Rug out from under Teeter-tottering McCain! Sarah sabotages the Straight Talk Express...
Read full storyMFI bought by Nestle
Nestle the international food giant today announced that it had bought MFI the British flat pack furniture retailer. A press release from Nestle spoke of the obvious synergy between the two companies, and the huge cost savings to be made by the ac...
Read full storyRepublicans Buy Out Democrats
The Republican Party took over the Democratic Party today through a hostile takeover. Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid will all retire from their positions and receive "golden parachute" payoffs of $100 million each, with other Democratic of...
Read full storyBarack Obama to Publish New Book: How I Bought the Election
Barack Obama has announced that he will finish work on his fourth book and publish it between now and when he officially takes office in January. The book, to be titled How I Bought the Election, will detail the strategies and decisions made by the...
Read full storyLouis Farrakhan, Head of Nation of Islam, Cheers Obama Election
The Reverend Louis Farrakhan, head of the Nation of Islam, a U.S. based Moslem movement, cheered the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States. "We done got ourselves a brotha in da White House," said an excited Farrakhan. "That...
Read full storyPalin Already Forgotten
Moosecock, AK - At 11:00pm, as Sarah Palin's fifteen minutes of fame expired, she was promptly forgotten by the world. Republican Party officials have reportedly asked to be repaid 150,000 dollars she spent on clothing. An AP poll showed that wit...
Read full storyJonathan Ross's clairvoyant wife forsees trouble after 'Satanic Sluts' furor
London - (Ross/Russ Mess): Jane Goldman, the 44DD-38-44 flame-haired professional psychic/clairvoyant wife of suspended BBC TV chatshow host Jonathan Ross is seeing red. A recent paranormal hunch that the Russell Brand 'Satanic Sluts' fiasco is n...
Read full storyObama Names Several Cabinet Selections
Newly elected United States President Barack Obama named several cabinet selections today. The nominees will need senate approval before taking office, but this should be no problem as the Senate has a Democratic Party majority. Among those ta...
Read full storyHubble finds massive diamond asteroid orbiting Aquila constellation
Summer Triangle, Northern Hemisphere - (X-Files Mess): A 2,500 mile wide, 50 trillion trillion carat diamond asteroid has been sighted by the Hubble Telescope near Aquila, the constellation named after the eagle. The massive rainbow-striped sparkl...
Read full storySelena + Shia = LOVE
Forget Nick Jonas, Selena Gomez has moved on to greener pastures. In a new interview on-screen and off-screen friend David Henrie has told Tiger Beat magazine that dispite the age and physical distance between Shia and Selena the two are very hap...
Read full storyBush Appoints McCain 'High Chancellor'
Washington, DC - In a historically precedented move, President Bush created the office of 'High Chancellor' and appointed Senator McCain to the position. The High Chancellor will function as the head of the Department of Homeland Security and the...
Read full storyZimbabwean Big Game Hunter Finally Supplies Sausages. Everything Cushty.
Zimbabwean big game hunter Clayton Le Moors finally supplied his much sought after high meat content sausages following a tense three week wait. Three weeks is a long time to wait for a sausage order under normal circumstances, but Clayton Le Moor...
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