Jeremy Vyle told me to put a condiment on the end of it. And I got my knob stuck in a sauce bottle.

Funny story written by Zoltan Peppa

Thursday, 6 November 2008

TV personality and self-styled 'humiliationist' Jeremy Vyle found himself in bother from the National Dyslexics Association (NDA) today.

After it was found that dyslexic Chav Tyrone Dillon Mitchell 17, who has ADHD, had got his girlfriend pregnant following a DNA test on Vyle's TV show, Jeremy Vyle vented his spleen. He told Tyrone he should have put a condom on the end of it. After which, Tyrone took the advice, disappeared to the Green Room, and promptly got his nudger stuck in a sauce bottle.

Vyle's morning TV show has been a hit with the work-shy, feckless and unemployable for over three years. The Jeremy Vyle Show has a viewing audience the same as the current unemployment level. And on a recent terrestrial TV survey showed that Vyle has the most catch phrases second only to Bruce Forsythe. These include, 'why don't you put something on the end of it?' 'Why don't you get yourself a job?' 'Button it! It's my name up on the wall.' 'I don't have an ego'. 'I walked 300 miles every weekend to see my daughter', and 'twenty quid win trap six'.

Stu Pitt, spokesperson for the National Dyslexics Association said, 'Jeremy Vyle is disgusting he needs to get a file, his show format is all the same he humiliates people just for fun, he's worse than Santa. I don't know how he gets away with dishing up so much carp'.

Tyrone was unavailable for comment about the matter, probably due to embarrassment. Tyrone's girlfriend did give this statement.

'Ty is feeling a little sore at the moment. It took about half an hour to get the bottle off his 'womb ferret' cos every time the nurse lubricated the end, it got harder to pull off. Finally it popped out and Ty was instantly relieved'.

Vyle said on the matter, 'We're gonna nail this today. Nobody forces these idiots to come on my show. I guess they are chasing five minutes of fame, but they know what I'm like. Am I right? Or am I right? Ultimately I help these people so they can get their life sorted, yes or no? I had a brother with an addiction and now he runs his own burger van. I might be old and boring, but I was young once and I know what I'm talking about'.

With that Vyle stormed off for some reason mumbling, 'what is wrong with you people? You make me sick!

TV bosses were equally unsympathetic to this incident involving Tyrone. Programme Director Tess Tickle said, 'This is nothing, you'd be surprised what rubbish we have to put up with. We just get on and do our jobs; it's exactly what most of our guests need to do GET A JOB. As long as the fools call the show and the viewing figures are good The Jeremy Vyle Show will continue.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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