How to Groom A Small Man
The following article describes the procedure for grooming a small man and suggested techniques involved in a good, clean job. It is aimed at both beginners and experienced professionals.
Read full storyGordon Brown to send task force to defend Falkland Islands
Gordon Brown has been consulting widely to find a way to reverse his disastrous showing in the polls. It would seem that Margaret Thatcher has come up trumps.
Read full storyNew F Word for Chef Gordon Ramsay
Celebrity TV chef, foul-mouthed Gordon Ramsay, has discovered a new 'F' word to add to his vocabulary.
Read full storyMcCain: "I No Longer Didn't Vote For Bush"
DC - Republican candidate John Sidney McCain III angrily denounced Senator McCain for saying he didn't vote for George W Bush in 2000.
Read full storyMyanmar to aid workers: "We're fine, you just have fun with your friends"
The country of Myanmar advised foreign aid workers that it was probably better if they didn't come into the country.
Read full storyThe Battle of Britain
Yes, sports fans, and overtime-working policepeople, were rubbing their hands in delight across rainy England, as the news came through that Rangers were due for a visit to Macchester for the UEFA Cup final.
Read full storyMobil Oil Corporation declares bankruptcy (July, 2011)
July, 2011 - Mobil Oil Company announced today that it could no longer compete against alternative energy sources and it will be filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Shares of Mobil stock closed at $0.97, down from $86.52 ju...
Read full storyWorld Wrestles With Burma Hypocrisy
The scale of hypocrisy surrounding Burma after its cyclone is huge, as its evil and sadisitic and neo-fascist regime continues to refuse offers of food aid, and is even starving its own people, rather than accepting the glorious and sainted and wonde...
Read full storyPeople pay to watch the Queen of Norway take a shit
The people of Norway have spent millions of dollars phoning in to a television show in which the viewers can watch members of the Norwegian Royal Family defecate live on air.
Read full storyAustria's Cardinal Groër made Fritzl a Papal Knight say police
Amstetten - (Sordid Mess): Disgraced Austrian sexual deviant Cardinal Hans Hermann Wilhelm Groër made incest nutter Joseph Fritzl a Papal Knight according to latest police reports.
Read full storyWenger May Turn To Women Next Season
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has told fans on the club's website that, as a result of his side's disappointing finish to this year's campaign, he may recruit several of the Arsenal Ladies team next seaso...
Read full storyObama & Clinton Go For "Obvious" Strategy
(Washington, D.C.) On CNN's "Situation Room", in his first interview after a major victory over Senator Hillary Clinton in the North Carolina primary, Senator Barack Obama has begun what many political analysts have cal...
Read full storyJenna Bush says wedding night 'sounds like torture'
The daughter of President George W Bush, Jenna Bush has spoken out about her fears surrounding what may occur on her wedding night.
Read full storyAirports To Be Built On Border To Keep Out Terrorists
Finally a solution to stop the "TERRIS" crisis plaguing the United States. According to the guy that lives behind the rubbish bins, out back down the pub, Headsonpikes Inc. is running a contest offering a free trip to an underground, nucle...
Read full storyNew Panel Show Planned for Saturday Nights
ITV1 have announced plans for a brand new game-show that is set to revolutionise the light entertainment industry.
Read full storyAfghanistan's Goat Talent
A new show is soon to be aired on the Arabic Satellite Channel, Al Jazeera in an attempt to show the Western World how far Afghanistan has progressed in the last few years. Afghanistans Goat Talent will showcase the huge range of skills attributed to...
Read full storyFood Waste Mountain To Be Devoured By Tramps
Tramps and other homeless misfits are to be invited to a special banquet in London to clear the 3.6million tonne Food Waste Mountain generated by people who needlessly throw away good food.
Read full storyCampaign to equate cage fighting with ballet
News arrives that the American "Versus" TV channel is launching a campaign to convince viewers that those who take part in the sport of cage fighting require brains as well as brawn, and could just as easily be ballet dancers.
Read full storyOminous portent ahead of Fatima miracle site anniversary
Lewiston, New York - (Ominous Mess): A statue of Our Lady of Fatima mysteriously burst into flames at a church in Lewiston yesterday just days away from the 91st anniversary of the Virgin's miraculous appearance at a Portuguese site.
Read full storyReport published linking country music to suicide
Two Armenian sociologists, unable to get a job in their local kebab store in Luton, have published a report on the effect of country music on suicide. This is the the first time that something we all know and fear, namely a Dolly Parton, John Denver...
Read full storyBritney Spears and Madonna Play Grand Theft Auto 4 With Britney's Kids
LOS ANGELES (FMLiveWire) - Madonna has joined Britney Spears expanded visitations and now plays Grand Theft Auto 4 with the Spears' kids.
Read full storyAustrian Josef Fritzl to be new Rovers Return cellar man
With a fall in the ratings at the hands of EastEnders on the cards, Coronation Street has pulled a fast one by engaging the services of Austrian Josef Fritzl as new cellar man at the Rover's Return.
Read full storyGordon Ramsay outrages Animal Charities
Fiery Glaswegian cook Gordon Ramsay has outraged several high-profile animal charities by demanding they use 'in-season' ingredients.
Read full storyOscar de la Rent Boy 'thrilled' at Jenna Bush's choice of wedding gown
Crawford, Texas - (Nuptial Mess): Fabled American couturier Oscar de la Rent Boy is said to be ecstatic at Jenna Bush's cutom-built wedding dress that took his design team over a month to stitch up from start to finish.
Read full storySuspected rabies outbreak at Princess Diana Fountain
London - (Hydrophobic Mess): A one mile exclusion zone has been imposed around Hyde Park's Princess Diana Memorial Fountain after frolicking sun worshipers went down with suspected rabies yesterday.
Read full storyKlingon Overtakes All Religions
The Klingon Language Version of the World English Bible has now been on the best selling book list not only on Amazon, but also in PoundStretcher stores nationwide for the past three years.
Read full storyRoad pricing to become law
Under a new initiative drawn up by a hapless Chancellor, and in keeping with quick government action when fleecing the public directly themselves, road pricing takes effect from 1 June this year.
Read full storyCrawford thugs ransacked coffin, converted skull into bong
Crawford, Texas - (Skunk Mess): A shadow looms over Jenna Bush's wedding this Saturday with the news that pranksters managed to find a grave at her family Predator Chapel Ranch home, dig up the coffin, abuse the corpse and covert the skull into...
Read full storyHorrified Ant and Dec Hand Back Peoples Choice Award
Previously believed to be popular entertainers Ant and Dec were today horrified to learn that not only are they actually unpopular, but they are despised by the average TV viewer.
Read full storyPoor show as cops admit Chelsea barrister shot 'only five times'
London - (Ass Mess): Metropolitan Police officials have apologised that the national benchmark for shooting a rampaging gunman dead has suffered a setback.
Read full storyDems Quietly Whisper 'Obama' to Hillary
Despite the widespread belief that she has lost the Democratic nomination for president, Hillary Rodham Clinton vowed to press on, planting her personal flag - an eagle poised above two crossed dead interns on a field of blue - and confirming...
Read full storyBurma Unhappy At World's Refusal To Call It By Its Proper Name
The government in Burma, where a massive cyclone swept across the country last weekend, have said that they will not allow UN Aid workers to distribute supplies within its borders until the outside world starts using its prop...
Read full storySteve Bruce In Fracas With Groundsman Over Cows Grazing On Pitch
Steve Bruce, the Wigan Athletic boss, has fallen out with Latics' head groundsman Alf Giles after it was alleged that the latter had allowed cows to graze on the JJB Stadium pitch to "churn it up&quo...
Read full storyJohn McCain Says Israeli Scientists "Are Keeping My Brain Alive"
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - Senator John McCain has stated that he is "not losing his bearings at all" since Israeli scientists "are keeping my brain alive" with daily injections of chicken soup and gefilte fish.
Read full storyNASA Announces Mission to Find Russell's Teapot
HOUSTON, TX - Following through on the Bush Administration's support for faith-based science initiatives, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration has announced the 2010 launch of its Faith Science Mission (FSM) probe, which is tasked wi...
Read full storyObama Picks Michael Jackson as New Spiritual Advisor
After Barack Obama has distanced himself from cult leader Jeremiah Wright, he has found a new spiritual advisor who is more in tune with human nature. Who is it? Legendary pop star, Michael Jackson!...
Read full storyDear Sex Advisor P4YG.cum: Is it True about the Platypussy?
Dear Paraphernalia4YourGenitalia.cum,...
Read full storyBoris Puts the Tube on the Wagon
New London mayor, Boris Johnson has decided to put the tube on the wagon! Newly elected mayor of London wants prohibition on the public transportation system.
Read full storyYoung Female Celebrities Unite For Modesty
After two prominent young actresses were recently scandalized in photographs, concerned young female celebrities have united to form an international coalition to stop the sexual exploitation of young female celebrities. This new organization is...
Read full storyFormer Gitmo Detainee Cobbler Gihad Petto Becomes Mosul Suicide Bomber!
Peaceful small village cobbler, Gihad Petto was swept up in America's war on terror and shipped off to detention and torture in US concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Read full storyChinese Totalitarian Philharmimic Plays for Fellow Dictator Benedict XVI
Playing the Mozart Requiem in honor of the death of the Age of Reason, the Communist Chinese Totalitarian Philharmimic Orchestra entertained highly cultured and repressively medieval Pope Benedict.
Read full storyPlatypusses Lack Nipples
The journal Science has devoted an entire issue to the platypuses. The table of contents reads like a Monty Python marathon.
Read full storyNYC Cops and their Guns
The NY Times has published an expose' on the NYPD and their G-U-N-S. Some interesting statistics from the boys in blue and their blunderbusses: NYPD blasts their weapons far less than they did ten years ago under fascist dictator Guiliani.
Read full storyTexas Loads Up For Bush Wedding
CRAWFORD, Texas The wedding of President Bush's daughter at his 1,600-acre ranch is the social event of the year in the shit-kickin' Texas town of Crawford.
Read full storyCatering Plans Revealed For Jena Bush Wedding
Jena Bush will be married this weekend at her father's ranch near Crawford, Texas. Considering that "Daddy" is President of the United States, it is a significant ranch and a lot of money is involved in giving away the First Daughter.
Read full storyCruise missile test nearly decapitates 37 Mexicans
New Mexico, USA - The US military today tested a new cruise missile across the New Mexican desert.
Read full storyITV Receive Record Fine
ITV has been fined a record £5m plus by Ofcom for abusing premium rate phone services in viewer competitions.
Read full story