Texas Loads Up For Bush Wedding

Funny story written by Tragic Rabbit

Friday, 9 May 2008

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Barney will be ring-bearer instead of Frodo.

CRAWFORD, Texas The wedding of President Bush's daughter at his 1,600-acre ranch is the social event of the year in the shit-kickin' Texas town of Crawford.

The 700 residents and eight local businesses are preparing for an influx of tourists Saturday. Like the Bush family and other people who were actually invited, they have arranged for flowers, rented a tux and ordered wedding cake and Dubya souvenirs.

"Remember when that Brit bimbo Princess Di married? Well, it was a fairly big thing, you know. ... but `wow - this is royalty,"' said John Johnson, owner of the Yellow Rose gift shop. "The president and the Bush family - they are considered really true royalty by most Texans."

The Oscar de la Renta bridal gown, flowers and other items being flown from civilisation in for the ceremony will make for a bridal bash better than any previously seen in Crawford, which has two gas stations, a bank, one restaurant and a few gift-and-shrubbery shops.

Crawford's Chamber of Commerce is reportedly negotiating with Disney on a proposed theme park to be built in 2009.

Crawford, which has stubbornly supported Bush, won't be denied its chance to celebrate when Jenna Bush ties the knot with Henry Hager, a spoilt headline-seeking quasi-businessman whose bank account is currently in the red.

And if local business make a few dollars on the side too, well, that's just American capitalism at its finest.

"We think tourists will want to feel part of that special day, even if they hate Republicans and they're not invited, because it's a part of history," said Judy J. Judy, president of the Crawford Chamber of Commerce and Cows.

Shops are selling coffee mugs, mouse pads, tee-shirts and 'deterrent' condoms, each with the White House seal, by the case. The Red Bull gift shop, which will serve wedding cake and punch Saturday, is hawking small ceramic ornaments with the couple's name and wedding date, as well as a bucket with two white teddy bears representing the couple.

"We're so honored she's getting married here," said Jo Slomo, who works at The Red Bull and used to own a ranch near Bush's before the economy took its latest downswing.

"It's so beautiful out there, with streams, trees, wildflowers and marijuana blooming in the fields. Every hill you see out here is gorgeous, especially after you've had a toke of our local smoke."

The blessed union even has affected the dwindling but steadfast group of a dozen or so war protesters left over from The Cindy Sheehan Flying Who-gives-a-Fuck Circus peace vigil at President Bush's ranch in 2005, an all-weekend hippy-dippy event that irked the locals and wore out the cows.

"We won't demand peace on the day young Hager finally gets a piece," Ms Sheehan's unofficial spokesman told reporters, "though we would like to suggest to Henry that one in the hand is worth two in the Bush."

The father of the bride was busy oiling up his shotguns and could not be reached for comment.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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