With a fall in the ratings at the hands of EastEnders on the cards, Coronation Street has pulled a fast one by engaging the services of Austrian Josef Fritzl as new cellar man at the Rover's Return.
Despite an enthralling plot-line where mini-maniac David Platt learns the rudiments of accountancy's double-entry system from his charming remand-centre room mate, Blanche finds nice things to say about "Dorris" Norris and Ken paces in and out of his house in a most interesting fashion, the producers decided that the programme needed to take a new direction.
Producer Barb Dwyer said:
"With all the action from Rickaaaaaaaay and Byankaaaaaaaa and the goings on in the Beale household, we felt Coronation Street was losing its grip on the ratings to EastEnders.
"We have drafted in Austrian cellar expert Josef "Mendl" Fritzl as the new cellar man for the show. He has advised us on how to equip a cellar for filming those delicate scenes to help us gallop ahead in the ratings.
"Without giving anything away, there is a fantastic scene where David Platt is released from his remand centre, and despite having a sore backside from studying all that accountancy double-entry stuff, he imprisons Maria for 24 years and they raise a huge family of little monsters with horrific Oldham accents.
"There is a hilarious scene where pot-man Tricky Dicky tries to connect a new barrel of beer while casually chatting to a naked, bruised, bound and gagged, unconscious Maria. He then leaves the cellar in a huff because she doesn't answer him."
Tricky Dicky said; "I am sick of no one ever taking me seriously, even with my haircut."