A-Team defend outsourcing decision
Los Angeles underground vigilante mob 'The A-Team' have fought back against the critics who have panned their decision to outsource portions of their workload to third-parties.
Read full storyBandaid Given to Storm-hit American State
Federal authorities are to send a box of Bandaids to the southern city of New Orleans, hit by massive flooding and high winds.
Read full storyWoman Gives Birth To Baby That Looks and Acts Just Like Winston Churchill
A pregnant Missouri woman has given birth to a baby child that looks identical to WWII British Prime Minister Winston Churchill. The boy, coincidentally named Winston, was born at the local hospital four nights ago -...
Read full storyRupert 'ginger' Grint and HRH Princes 'ginger' Harry Match Made In Heaven.
Yesterday, as I walked along a busy London street, a gay sight met my eyes. Harry Potter actor, Rupert Grint and his Royal Highness Prince Harry, hand in hand skipping down the road.
Read full storyGiant Panda-Eyed Hope For Scottish Zoo
Edinburgh Zoo is in negotiations with China to bring a pair of panda-eyed junkies to Scotland, and it has been proposed that a breeding pair would be on loan for 10 months, which is a junkie's life expectancy in the Capital city.
Read full storyDaniel Radcliffe And Emma Watson Hospitalised After Accident.
In a freak accident some are calling too much of a coincidence, both Harry Potter actors Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter himself) and Emma Watson (clever clogs side kick) have been badly injured.
Read full storyOil Companies Claim Good Reason For Raising Gas Prices - "We're greedy bastards!"
Donald Barlowe, 38, President of Texaco Oil, addressed a group of protesters today, citing good reason for raising the price of gas to such an alarming height.
Read full storyIntelligent Design is Probable Answer for Creation
Geneva, Switzerland - There is so much talk about the creation of the world as we know it. Some believe in evolution while others believe in Intelligent Design. Finally an agreement was reached by people of all faiths in the world.
Read full storyGordon Brown Attacks MP In A Field
Prime Minister Gordon Brown today attacked Labour rebel Frank Speaker in a field today, the BBC East Anglia news team announced.
Read full storyUK Scientists to harpoon and tag MPs
Ten walruses in Parliament have been fitted with satellite tags in a new bid to confirm whether the blubbery beasts ever actually show up for work in their respective houses of parliament.
Read full storyObama Arrested for Stealing Democratic Nomination
In a shocking development, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama has been arrested in West Virginia, accused stealing the Democratic nomination. FBI agents had very little trouble locating Obama in West Virginia, but did extend apologies to...
Read full storyU.S. Women's Olympic soccer team drops sports bra sponsorship after Chinese government orders them to keep their shirts on
Beijing, China - In order to comply with the highly censored and strict Chinese government run TV standards, the U.S. women's Olympic soccer team had to sign an agreement that they would not remove their shirts on the field or anytime during a so...
Read full storyPart 3 "The eel's plan"
This story tells the woebegot tale of 'Andy Pandy Sugar And Candy Big Smile Sam Spanker Steph Lover Fluffy Silky Moo' hereafter to be known AS APSCBSSSSLFSM and that of those he meets on the journey of his life.
Read full storyAmy Whinehouse Most Important Human In History
Yes, the British media, led by the Soviet-owned BBC, today announced that English singer Amy Whinehouse was indeed the most important human being in history.
Read full storyNext Seasons English Premier League will consist of Only 4 Teams
The British football governing body is drawing up plans to make the 2008-2009 Premier league season accessible to just four teams.
Read full storyDTI admits HR is a bogus discipline
The Department of Trade and Industry (DTI) came under the spotlight today after admitting that HR is a 'completely made up aspect of the business structure, designed as a place to put incompetent busybodies that no one else wishes to work with.&#...
Read full storyCity Says 'Not Sorry' For Rangers Delay
The city of Manchester, which hosts the UEFA Cup final on Wednesday, today officially said 'we're not sorry', as they deliberately tried to prevent ticketless Rangers fans from setting foot in the place.
Read full storyKaren Matthews To Figure In England's First Trial-By-TV Trial
Karen Matthews, who neglected her 9-year-old daughter Shannon so viciously, the schoolgirl hid in the base of her stepfather's uncle's bed, is to be the first defendant in British legal history to stand trial by Trial...
Read full storyChinese Earthquake Due To Poor Human Rights, says Bush
President George 'Duh' Bush, trying to read an autocue at his ranch in Marlboro, today blamed China's poor human rights record for its earthquake, that happened earlier today.
Read full storyGordon backs 'organs for nursing care' scheme for pensioners
Gordon brown announced today that "wholesale reforms" of the way we have to pay for our retirement. With the slow increase in living expenses over the next 30 years expected, as well as having to sell your house and all other worldly posses...
Read full storyGoat's Milk Prevents Personality Disorders
New research from the White House Office of Faith-Based Scientific Inquiry indicates a thorough chain of causality for drug use, mental illness, liberal political preferences & mopery.
Read full storyMan who doesn't read or watch news is interviewed on the news
Kaystump, Kentucky - Raccoon Catters, who admits to being around 80 years old, he thinks, has admitted he has never read a newspaper or watched any news on television.
Read full storyAmerica and Britain to Boycott the Olympics Due to Japanese Participation
The governments of the United States and Great Britain today announce a formal boycott of the Chinese Olympics, due to the participation of a team from Japan.
Read full story'American Sportsmen Are Just Big Girls' Blouses', Sir Alex Says
Speaking from his council house in Govan, after giving his neighbour's son a wee smack for being a Tim, legend-in-his-own-thrown-cup-of-tea-time, and bluenose alky nutcase, Sir Alex Ferguson, had this to say about American sportsmen: 'What a...
Read full storyHayden Panettiere sex tape on sale - Internet crashes!
Heroes starlet Hayden Panettiere has joined the ranks of the Hollywood elite by launching her own online sex video co-starring Angelina Jolie. Demand for the video has been so high the internet crashed at around 10pm last night and boffins have been...
Read full storyGordon Ramsey is the love child of Barbara Cartland and Danny La Rue
Rumours suggest that Gordon Ramsey could be the love child of Barbara Cartland and Danny La Rue.
Read full storyChinese Earthquake Destroys New Olympic Stadium
An earthquake measuring 7.8 on the Richter Scale has devastated an area of China and 'totally' demolished the stadium specially built to stage the Olympic Games which start in Beijing in August.
Read full story'I'm not black!' Jesse Jackson claims
In a surprise announcement today, the Reverend Jess Jackson claimed that he 'was not black', and that he was just a dull and unimportant American chancer, with no brains or power. Speaking from his 85-bedroom palace in Atlanta, Archbishop Jackson...
Read full storyOil starts gushing out of Beijing olympic stadium
Beijing - (Seismic Mess): The Chinese Olympics are in serious doubt today after oil suddenly began gushing out of a fissure in the newly erected Beijing Bird's Nest Stadium following 7.8 magnitude tremor thousands of miles away in Chengdu, Sichua...
Read full storyCruise Nazi film bombs after links to Fritzl discovered
Los Angeles - (Disaster Mess): Studio bosses have pulled Tom Cruise's family biopic Valkyrie after the FBI advised that Austrian incest nutter Joseph Fritzl has tested DNA-positive for paternity.
Read full storyRainbow's Jeffrey to Release Damning Memoirs
The rumoured plan by former Rainbow host Jeffrey to release his memoirs could sink the show, according to Rainbow fanatic Mike Meadow. Bungle, the show's current leader, has already come under fierce attack since Lord Freddy (formerly part of Rod,...
Read full storySATS tests are too taxing, says teacher
Standard Assessment Tests (SATs) are too difficult, say Britain's teachers, who struggle to mark the papers.
Read full storyEve's twat flap found in Sinaii Dessert
A twat flap thought to have once belonged to Eve, the first woman on the world, has been found in the Sinaii Desert. Teenager Callum D'Asbo almost tripped over the small green leaf and thought nothing of it until his Dad Terry spotted a small hai...
Read full storyOzzy Osborne to be knighted in Queen's Birthday Honours
It has been revealed today that one of Britain's favourite and best-loved dysfunctional rock stars, John "Ozzy" Osborne, is to receive a KBE in this year's Birthday Honours list for his services to incredulity.
Read full storyManchester United/Chelsea Title Race Was The Most Boringest Ever, Says Keegan
The Premiership title race between Chelsea and Manchester United was the most boring thing that has ever happened in the history of sporting events, says excitable Newcastle manager Kevin Keegan.
Read full storyElvis Alive! Found in Josef Fritzl's holiday house basement!
Saltzburg, Austria - Elvis has left the dungeon! In a search of dungeon-master Josef Fritzl's holiday house in the Austrian city of Saltzburg, police have found rock and roll king Elvis Aaron Presley, pale but apparently well.
Read full storyJohnny Depp Checks in to Priory
My unknown, top-secret source, who is on very good terms with the Priory Rehabilitation Clinic, has revealed to me that they have seen Hollywood heartthrob Johnny Depp checking into one of the less exclusive rooms for treatment to a severe painkiller...
Read full storyQuake rattles china, new crockery needed
A massive earthquake rattled china this morning, causing fears over the impending Olympics.
Read full storyLord Levy memoir a terrorist fiction: spooks
London - (Rioters): MI5 spooks have branded Lord Levy's posturings a load of sanitised whoppers after reviewing his security files detailing a 30 year career as one of the UK's top terror mobsters.
Read full storyHayden: My Lezzie Three In A Bed Fantasy Paychecks
Los Angeles - (Ass Mess): "Sure, ya gonna get them little pubic hairs stuck between yer teeth now and then, but so what? It ain't so different from sex with guys. Apart from the penis bit of course. Plus ya don't have to swallow."...
Read full storyYankees place Derek Jeter on 60 Day Disabled List
New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter had some difficulty Saturday night after the Yankees' 5-2 victory in Detroit.
Read full storyCherie: Tony's ex-wife & other kids drove me potty
London - (Ass Mess): Cherie Blair's newly published hagiography has laid bare her thirty year battle with the first Mrs B and two older kids that her husband spawned by different women before she managed to nail him down.
Read full storyFeds report marijuana may cause depression or it might not
Tight-ass government officials announced today that teenagers who smoke marijuana will become depressed or were depressed before they smoked marijuana or might get depressed if they don't smoke marijuana or something, according to a White House r...
Read full storyJenna Bush Married in Ceremony with Sounds of Skull and Bones and Real Skull at Their Table
Jenna Bush, 26, the beautiful blond daughter of President Bush was married in a private ceremony, Saturday May 10, 2008 at Mr. Bush's Crawford Ranch near Waco, Texas.
Read full storyMiley Cyrus Vanity Photos for Ex-Boyfriend Nick Jonas!
The pictures that Miley Cyrus took for Vanity Fair were actually for her ex-boyfriend, Nick Jonas, part of The Jonas Brothers.
Read full storyTom Cruise Converts to Mathology
Tom Cruise has announced that he has left Scientology and converted to Mathology, admitting that there is no science in Scientology, "They did not even teach me how to pith a frog."...
Read full storyAmerican Children Scared About Satire
It turns out that satire, once a healthy, adult piece of fun, poking fun at everything and anything, is now scaring American children.
Read full storyDNC blames polarization of its party on global warming
Washington, DC - A spokesperson for the DNC denounced any rumors that Hillary Clinton's refusal to stand down as a contender for the Democratic presidential nominee is causing the party to divide itself, endangering its chances to win an all but...
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