Written by Monkey Woods

Monday, 12 May 2008

image for Karen Matthews To Figure In England's First Trial-By-TV Trial
Crown Court TV ready at Leeds

Karen Matthews, who neglected her 9-year-old daughter Shannon so viciously, the schoolgirl hid in the base of her stepfather's uncle's bed, is to be the first defendant in British legal history to stand trial by Trial-by-TV.

Matthews, ugly, has been charged by police with neglect and perverting the course of justice, and is being held in a dungeon at Dewsbury Police Station, where her condition is said to be "comfy as fuck".

Ms Matthews' trial is scheduled for November, and, Yorkshire Television, who plan to televise the event in their Crown Court TV series, have said, all being well, it should go on long enough to capture huge audiences during the Christmas break.

Crown Court supremo Leo McKern, the most powerful judge in England, will be presiding over the whole disgraceful affair, which will be held at Leeds Crown Court. Cameras will cover the action from every angle, and, at the direction of the judge, viewers will be provided with two telephone numbers with which to vote either 'Guilty' or 'Not Guilty'.

A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service told how the courtroom would have to be adapted for the arrival of several hundred Dewsbury residents who would, doubtless, come to heckle.

Seats have been removed, and a beer tent and burger stand installed.

Eric Cant of the CPS said:

"There is also a sign warning the gallery not to bring missiles into the Court."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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