Barack Obama Selects Angelina Jolie as VP
In a not-entirely-surprising move to political insiders, Barack Obama announced today his selection of Angelina Jolie as his Vice Presidential running mate. Ms. Jolie said that she was "thrilled" to be offered the prestigious position and said tha...Read full story
IN SEINE To Enter Big Brother House
The Big Brother housemates are in for the shock of their lives this Friday, when failed ex-Spoof writer of banal jokes and snippets, IN SEINE, will be sent into the House to stir things up a bit. Seine, who was kicked off TheSpoof.com for Prolonge...Read full story
Ronnie Wood Runs off With Second Russian Temptress
Just days after leaving rehab in Surrey, leathery alcoholic Ronnie Wood (85) has run off with yet another wild young Russian. Regulars at the 'Leather on Willow Inn' at Chew Magna, Somerset were amazed when Wood, who looks like Rod Stewart but wi...Read full story
Knife crime statistics are wrong, says survey
Knife crime statistics are wrong, according to a knew survey by a leading Government think tank, leading one minister to accuse the media of whipping up a "frenzy of fear". The GooYov poll, commissioned by the Home Office, has found that NO ONE ha...Read full story
Gary Glitter New Album Out Friday!
Gary Glitter, the ex-Leader of the Gang, arrived back in Britain last night, and was met at Heathrow Airport by hordes of screaming fans asking if they could touch him 'there'. Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, was released from jail in Vietnam on Fri...Read full story
Hillary Clinton to Stage Coup at Denver Convention
Can Barack Obama lose the Democratic nomination for President? Yes he can! Word is that Hillary's camp hasn't given up and plans to stage a coup at Denver's Democratic convention. Having done research in numerous Latin American countries, they...Read full story
Marco Takes On School Dinners!
Following his ground breaking television programmes 'Hell's Kitchen' and 'Marco's Great British Feast' noodle-haired chef, Marco Pierre White has revealed his next revolutionary project - improving school dinners. "For too long we've been allowin...Read full story
Barrowman in Sexuality Breakthrough
John Barrowman, the chirpy camp time traveller who is sometimes Scottish, is hotly tipped for a BAFTA for his ground breaking documentary on the causes of homosexuality. In the programme Barrowman, who has a large collection of cuff-links, subjec...Read full story
"Darryn Lyons Ate My Blackberry" says Cilla
Just weeks after he was cautioned by police for swallowing the iphone of a woman who refused to sell him photos of Pete Doherty at a cash machine, the cockerel-headed Aussie affectionately known as 'Mr Paparazzi', has been at it again. After enjo...Read full story
Vorderman Was Axed Over Tax Credits Row
Just weeks after surgically enhanced mathmatician, Carol Vorderman was removed from the Countdown Studios by security guards it has emerged that the olive-skinned beauty, whose weight regularly fluctuates between 8 and 15 stone, has become yet anoth...Read full story
Anton Du Beke now "considerably camper" than 2007
A survey conducted by independent watchdog "Mincewatch" suggests that snake-hipped entertainer Anton Du Beke is now 'considerably more gay' than he was during the 2007 series of 'Strictly Come Dancing'. In his first solo show for the BBC, 'Step U...Read full story
Lorraine Kelly "Not Really Scottish"
The world of entertainment is reeling today following sensational claims that bubbly round-shouldered GMTV presenter Lorraine Kelly (55), is only pretending to be Scottish and was actually born in the US. The shock revelation has come from exuber...Read full story
Nice to See You in 50 years, to See You in 50 Years Nice!
Aging sparrow-legged, "Strictly Come Dancing" presenter, Bruce Forsyth has shocked the entertainment world by announcing plans to be cryogenically frozen on his 90th birthday and defrosted 50 years later. The multi-millionaire, who is considerabl...Read full story
Food Rationing - "It's Not All Doom and Gloom" claims Brown
Gordon Brown has defended Government plans to introduce food rationing in England and Wales, in an effort to avert a national famine. "People should lighten up, it really isn't that bad" he smiled dourly. "During the war, people enjoyed all sorts...Read full story
Prescott to be New Face of Slimming Products
Slim-shake, Britain's number one manufacturer of tasty, nutritionally balanced meals and snacks to help you slim without feeling deprived of your favourite things, has announced that John Prescott, the putty-faced ex-deputy prime minster who once pun...Read full story
Rooney's Mrs "Goes Beserk" in Shopping Centre
There were shocking scenes in Manchester Town Centre on Friday afternoon when Colleen Rooney (nee McLaughlin), the glamorous wife of footballing legend and award-winning writer Wayne, lashed out at a shop assistant after he refused to give her a refu...Read full story
"Gok Wan is a Tosser!" Declares Versace
Leather-faced fashion designer Donatella Versace, whose brother once ran out of time and safety pinned Liz Hurley into a dress at the Oscars, has launched a stinging verbal attack on Channel 4's cheeky oriental shopper, Gok Wan. In an unprecedente...Read full story
Man Finds Potato that Looks Like Kate Garraway
A farmer from Shropshire, who had faced bankrupcy after his potato crop was devastated by a freak outbreak of Black Scurf, has been saved at the eleventh hour by the discovery of a large spud which looks uncannily like popular pigeon-toed GMTV presen...Read full story
George Michael Caught Napping Again!
The saga of George Michael's unconventional sleeping habits took a new turn yesterday, when the hairy-faced Greek was discovered slumped and unconscious in a cubicle of a notoriously gay toilet on Hampstead Heath. The bleary-eyed multi-millionai...Read full story
Gay Chubby Dating A Hit With Chubby Gay Men
Literary fat homosexual men are celebrating today, having found the website of their dreams: TheSpoof.com, a satirical news website with a more-than-average number of gay subscribers. Many benders found the site through a gay dating agency Gay Chu...Read full story
Musharraf to live in London and coach 2012 Olympics UK shooting team
ANYWHERE-ISTAN: Recently-resigned, unwelcome in his own country and shunned by his once-loyal King's Party, ex-Pakistani "President-for-life" Pervez Musharraf has made the UK "an offer it can't refuse". "In exchange for political asylum General M...Read full story
Trinny and Suzanna are not getting married to each other
The famous television stars and excruciatingly irritating Trinny and Suzanna have, according to 'The News of the World' newspaper, today announced their engagement, much to the dismay of the gay community. It would appear that these two women, fam...Read full story
Jade Goody furious with Christina Applegate
Jade goody, the cockney queen of reality TV has launched a bitter tirade at Christina Applegate who chose to announce her double mastectomy at the same time as Goody announced her cervical cancer. "That mouthy tart stole my publicity", opined Good...Read full story
Astounding research revealed by government department
In an attempt to be more open with taxpayers, provide better value for money, cut red tape and respect Sir Bob Geldolf's hairstyle, the Department for Buying Useless Things, headed by charismatic Secretary of State Anne Looney, has announced some sta...Read full story
A Terrible Murder; High Street Found Dead
Upper Lower Higgensfield- Shocking news has just come filtering into the office today that an entire high street has been found dead. The high street of Upper Lower Higgensfield was described by the investigating officer DI Chaplin as a 'happy go...Read full story
Drunken Doddy ruins Beijing Ceremony
Friday's opening ceremony at the Olympic Games was thrown into total disarray as riot police stormed the main stage and arrested cherpy Scouse veteran Comedian Ken 'Doddy' Dodd. He was punched, kicked and stun-gunned by Riot Police after comments mad...Read full story
Iranian Suicide Bomb Plot Foiled
Tehran Iran, 19 August 2008: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of Iran, is resting comfortably in a Tehran Hospital. The doctors will only say that he suffered bruises and lacerations in a fall from a great height. The CIA tells another story. About...Read full story
Move On (dot) Org Expands Business Opportunities
Denver CO, 18 August 2008: Move On (dot) Org announced today that their new pharmaceutical company HarMonica Inc will be releasing a non-prescription drug called MOVE. The product release is timed to coincide with the Democratic Party Convention bein...Read full story
'Do ya wannabe in my gang, my gang?' as Balls offers Gary Glitter Ministry post
London - (Fetid Ass Mess): "This Government's got the Balls if Giltter's got the spunk for the job," a Department for Children, Schools & Families source has said today. The announcement follows news that Downing Street's Blairforce One has pi...Read full story
Swastika shaped UFO attacks Balmoral Castle
Ballybollox, Scotland - (Extraterrestrial Mess): The Queen is in a catatonic state after a mystery craft buzzed Balimmoral Castle's seamy Colditz Wing last night. SAS officers said a menacing swastika shaped UFO fired a series of mean-spirited las...Read full story
Dems Cry Foul Weather, Claim Bush to Blame for Fay
Washington-(Daily Blow)-America, beware! The Evil George Bush is at it again. He has teamed up with Mother Nature in an attempt to steal the nation's attention away from the upcoming 2008 presidential election-which he can't win-by whipping up a trop...Read full story
Ryanair to beat Branson with 'Outer Space for a Quid' offer
London Gatwick - Ryanair today announced that they will beat Richard Branson's 'Virgingalatic' in the race to be the first company to offer passenger trips to outer space. 'We won't be ripping off people with a quarter of a million pound ticket',...Read full story
Harry Potter star Emma Watson discovers two lumps on her chest
Harry Potter star Emma Watson today made the shocking discovery of lumps on her chest. Rushed to her local GP by a distraught mother, clutching only a BUPA membership certificate, the starlet, managing to bypass the ex-World War 2 Kamp Kommandant...Read full story
Internet Police Clamp Down on Old Git Terror Ring
A Facebook group, popular with elderly people and known as 'I secretly want to entice young people into a damn good kicking by walking slowly in the street' has been exposed by the Internet Police, the shadowy figures responsible for IP addresses.Read full story
Need a crap? Stay in touch!
Given the severe pressures the UK business community is currently experiencing, an innovative company has come up with a system to increase productivity. I think we've all been there, at work, when the need to visit the toilet (Restroom for you ya...Read full story
Dear Kent Pete: My baby might not be my husband's
Lucy from Dartford writes, I cheated on my husband - only once - but I'm disgusted I could do that to the man I love. I'm 34, he's 35 and we've been together nine years, married for just two. We are very happy, which is what makes it all the worse. I went away for a what was supposed to be a spiritual weekend with work. I found I was pretty good at a lot of the tasks and the teacher singl...Read full story
Patsy Kensit Who Do You Think You Are?
Actress Patsy Kensit has said she was so upset to find her grandfather had a stutter on TV show Who Do You Think You Are? that she lost all interest in personal hygiene and even stopped shaving her Dexter Blackstock. The Holby City star told the R...Read full story
Woman has 200 Orgasms a day
Gorgeous Sarah Taylor is a 200-a-day orgasm girl who gets good, good, good vibrations from almost anything. The rumble of a train on the tracks, the purr of a hairdryer, a wolf whistle from an off duty housing officer are all enough to make her go oh...Read full story
Prince William: I want a tattoo.
Prince William is desperate to get a tattoo - but worries girlfriend Kate Middleton would think it was "chavvy". Wills, 26, told Navy pals he wanted a huge inking on his back like England star David Beckham, who has a giant angel. But the Prince s...Read full story
England vs Czech Republic: The day English Football finally lost its soul.
In news that will enrage English Soccer fans throughout the world David Beckham is the only first team regular who has made himself available to play the friendly at the new Wembley stadium on Wednesday night. Naked save for a tight pair of Armani...Read full story
Bigfoot to Appear In Star Wars Film "The Wookie Who Loved Me" With Miley Cyrus and Pamela Anderson
HOLLYWOOD (FMLiveWire) - George Lucas will direct and produce the next Star Wars film which will feature a Bigfoot, Miley Cyrus and Pamela Anderson caught up in a romantic triangle. Titled "The Wookie Who Loved Me," the script by Oscar-winning Luc...Read full story
New Olympic Scandal As Usain Bolt Discovered To Be A Cyberdyne Systems Model 101
Usain Bolt, the Olympic 100m champion, is at the centre of a new row today, after it was revealed by members of Beijing's official doping team, that the Jamaican is actually a cyborg. According to the dopists, Bolt, who, on Saturday, broke the Wor...Read full story
Sexy Soccer Star is True Ladies Man
Everyone knows David Beckham for being a brilliant soccer player, but Becks isn't always living up to his superstar image when off the field. His wife Victoria can't be too pleased at his antics as of late. But is it his feminine touch that makes the...Read full story
Miley's Bold Move to Win Nick Back
It has recently been confirmed that teen songstress Miley Cyrus's on-again, off-again romance with fellow Disney icon and hearthrob Nick Jonas is in fact, off. The Hannah Montana star hasn't actually said anything to confirm this, but her actions spe...Read full story
Gary Glitter lands in UK - signs up for Big Brother
Gary Glitter, the seventies pop star turned paedophile, returned to the UK for the first time in over ten years today and immediately penned a deal with makers of failing reality show Big Brother. "It's a good career move for me" said Glitter "I s...Read full story
Strewth Mate, Shock Horror strikes Australia as the Men in the Outback finally give up Shagging Sheep in favour of Shagging Women
All Australians today where shaken to the core when they woke up to hear the breaking News that the tough guys from the Outback where finally giving up shagging sheep in favour of shagging women. Disgraced ex-Sky TV Reporter Norma Snockers who is...Read full story
Beach Volleyball Widens Asian Eyes!
Despite the controversial nature of the desire, some Asians have long longed for the round eyes of westerners. Surgery and injections have been employed to try and remedy the slated eye appearance of easterners. To the shock and awe of plastic surgeo...Read full story
Hannah Montana Arrested For DUI
Rock star Hannah Montana was arrested for DUI in Hollywood on Saturday night. Police indicated that her blood alcohol content was 0.09, just over the legal limit. Officials from Bob Disney Studios were quick to deny the reports, noting that Hanna...Read full story
Chinese Olympic Committee Replaces Skilled Gymnasts With Slightly Less Skilled But Cuter Gymnasts
In keeping with its stern policy of making the best possible visual impression during the 2008 Olympic Games in Beijing, ranking members of the Chinese Politboro have ordered their national Olympic committee to replace three of their seasoned and wel...Read full story
Malaysian Pen-tailed Shrew Drinks German Researcher unter der Linden!
German researchers who are famous for being drunk on schnapps by noon encountered a creature in the Malaysian rain forest that could put them to shame. The little fella is called the pen-tailed shrew and it spends the whole day drinking fermented nec...Read full story
Dr Ichabod Brainerd Discovers that Blue Whale Females Are No Different!
Blue Whale females choose their mates based on size just like human hoes according to Dr Ichabod Brainerd, Harvard researcher who spent years whaling on his little joint until he stumbled upon the scientific theory that the human female will not mate...Read full story
Females Choose Their Prospective Mates Based on Size, Scientists Discover!
Scientists who everyone knows have really thick glasses and really small penises are presently reversing their long held theory that females choose their mates on the size of their lenses. Harvard Ph.D Ichabod Brainerd told sexpert TheSpoof.com:...Read full story
Millions of Muslims Prostrate Themselves Toward Mecca Without a Single Visible Crack! US Plumbers et al, Take Note!
How is it possible that millions of devout Muslim can prostrate themselves numerous times daily across the globe and pray to Allah while facing Mecca and even the keenest observers have never seen a single Islamic butt crack!? If I were to count the number of enticing and yet many more repulsive experiences I have had with the unexpected appearance of the "bend down and crack a smile", it may very...Read full story
Meat Processors Processes People!
The largest kosher meat processor in the US has caught violating not only US labor and immigration laws but none other than Yahweh's commandments! The meat processing plant that claimed that it was answering to a higher power may have had a Rabbi sup...Read full story
McCain Announces: I Was Wrong on the War But Right on the Surge! Sorry About the Thousands of Dead!
John McCain dressed as usual in his surge blue suit told the American people today that he was wrong about the war in Iraq but he was right about the surge. "As in Nam I went to the wrong war but once there I fought valiantly. Once again I put our...Read full story
Rolling Stoned Switch Labels from EMI to AARP!
Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones have shocked the music world by their ability to still rock. While music critics have been raving over the new automated wheel chairs with marijuana inhalers that truly makes them the Rolling Stoned, the group has b...Read full story
Manny Ramirez Discovers Miracle Cure!
Boston Red Sox star and frequent pain in the ass Manny "Ack" Ramirez has been sidelined recently with a contract dispute that seems to have settles into one of his knees. The injury though Manny can't tell which knee is acting up has prevented him fr...Read full story
Triple X Files Hits the Summer Theaters! Steamy Hot Night Replaces The Dark Knight at the Box Office!
The once geeky and somewhat brainiac X files TV phenom has found a new path to success by transforming itself into a XXX- Files sexsual whodunit with whom and how many times every which way! Mulder has stopped muttering and in the new X-Files on fire...Read full story
Dear Paraphernalia4yourgenitalia.cum: The Antikythera Mechanism
Dear P4YG, My partner and I recently read with great interest about the Antikythera mechanism and its use on the ancient Greek Isle of Lesbos. Kitten and I are big fans of the archaeology of scientific instruments. In fact we have quite a collection of ancient and antique devices. We found an imperial wooden hot dog that is believed to have been found inserted in one of Caligula's s...Read full story
Dear Paraphernalia4Your Genitalia: SOS!
Dear P4YG, I know that you are mostly a sex advice columnist but I will share my romantic problem with you in the hope that sex and romance may somehow be connected. I am deeply attracted to a beautiful young woman. It seems that whenever I draw near and try to show her how much I am enamored with her it just draws rivals as if from out of the wood work. If I ignore her, the other suitors s...Read full story
Dear AskFrFred44Giveness: Mandatory Catholic Drug Testing
Dear AFF44G, Is it true that there are Catholic HS's that are forcing students to give hair samples for mandatory drug testing? Isn't this a violation of the strong defense of human rights in Catholic Social teaching? How have the tests gone so far? Just Curious Catholic Dear JCC, Yes it is true in fact I am Lord High Ruler of one of these very pinnacles of learning. Forcing is certainy a...Read full story
McCain's Arab Contributors Demand Re-Naming Film Fame Football Marshall, Ma Al Sharif
Repub candie Johnny McC found himself in a kerfuffle or was it a falafel as his pandering to Middle East Arab contributors and Red Neck Middle American football collided. Campaign observers have found that a certain Arab American family has been d...Read full story
Insane Dolt , World's Greatest...Insane Dolt!
21 year old man child from the land of the ganja, Insane Dolt has been tearing up the Olympic track in the sprint events in Beijing. Dolt can slaughter the world's fastest humans and still jog the last 1/4 of the race. He showboats while leering in m...Read full story
Coxswain with artificial voice not allowed to compete at games
Garry Montorsi's dreams of competing in the Beijing Games as a coxswain for the Canadian men's heavy weight eight rowing team came to an end yesterday morning. The Olympic Governing Body (OGB) ruled that the device Montorsi uses to speak, because...Read full story
Phelps' mom a hit, NBC to give own reality show
Michael Phelps accomplished the unimaginable on Saturday night by winning his eighth gold medal in eight attempts. He has become one of the most recognizable and successful Olympic athletes of all time. NBC has has made the swimmer the centerpiece of...Read full story
"Bigfoot" really missing "Chewbacca" actor from "Star Wars"
Hollywood, California - Last reported sighting of the 7-foot tall actor, Michael Smith, who originally played "Chewbacca" in the very popular "Star Wars" movie series (episodes IV, V and VI), placed him driving down a winding country road somewhere d...Read full story