Patsy Kensit Who Do You Think You Are?

Funny story written by Kent Pete

Tuesday, 19 August 2008

image for Patsy Kensit Who Do You Think You Are?
A sexy woman yesterday.

Actress Patsy Kensit has said she was so upset to find her grandfather had a stutter on TV show Who Do You Think You Are? that she lost all interest in personal hygiene and even stopped shaving her Dexter Blackstock.

The Holby City star told the Radio Times she also started drinking her own piss after it was revealed she was once married to pop bad boy Liam Gallagher

The actress quit the show and had to be convinced to complete filming.

Kensit opens the new series of the genealogy show, which also features US chat show host Jerry Springer and celebrity racist Jim Davidson.

The actress, who was already aware that her father had been imprisoned and had links to the Krays, decided to make the programme to get some "closure" about her family past.

"Dad died when I was 17, so I stupidly thought that this would be quite a romantic notion to find out about my ancestors. I just didn't realise it was going to be so sad," she said.

The revelation that her grandfather had a speech impediment sparked the downward spiral.

"I just could not accept it. I kept picturing my dear Gramps walking around the East End of London making a complete and utter twat of himself every time he opened his mouth. I genuinely didn't want to know any more."

The actress said a more positive revelation about her family history helped her to recover.

"I found an ancestor who spoke perfect English. He apparently was a butcher from Bethnal Green. People would come from miles around just to hear him speak and to get their hands on his off cuts."

"I had been living in a haze for almost two months but when this information came out I felt a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. That was the moment I started living again. All of a sudden I regained interest in myself. Suffice to say I needed a very long shower. My partner, God bless him, took the shears to my Harry Ramsden but I must say, on a positive note my skin's come up a treat".

The show also sees US talk show host Jerry Springer break down in tears as he discovers for the first time that his parents were actually Jewish .

"I felt very vulnerable," he said. "I have no problem with the Jewish thing, I just wish someone would have told me".

"But I suppose the show has helped to put a lot of things into perspective. I now understand the difference I noticed in the school showers and why, as children we had to sit in darkness and eat pre cooked food on a Saturday. I always assumed it was my parents arsing about. Now I know it goes back to Exodus 35:3 when apparently God told us not to use electricity at the weekends".

The new series of Who Do You Think You Are? starts on BBC1 on Wednesday 13th August. Other celebrities pretending to care about relatives they have never seen include Esther Rantzen who will be seen weeping inconsolably over her great Aunt Fanya who, after a night on the Vodka , slept rough on the streets of Leningrad back in 1874 and Boris Johnson who becomes doubly incontinent when he discovers he is a direct descendant of King George II.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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