Dear AskFrFred44Giveness: Mandatory Catholic Drug Testing

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Tuesday, 19 August 2008


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image for Dear AskFrFred44Giveness: Mandatory Catholic Drug Testing
St Sal P's Student baldy President sees no problem with the mandatory hair tests

Dear AFF44G,

Is it true that there are Catholic HS's that are forcing students to give hair samples for mandatory drug testing? Isn't this a violation of the strong defense of human rights in Catholic Social teaching? How have the tests gone so far? Just Curious Catholic

Dear JCC, Yes it is true in fact I am Lord High Ruler of one of these very pinnacles of learning. Forcing is certainy a bit strong for what we do at St Salvatore Pointius. In fact we find that the stress levels at our school are so high that most of the students have hair falling out by the handfuls. But hey, as Jesus used to say:" No pain , no gain!"

As for the concept of human rights and how they relate to mandatory drug testing of children. The Roman catholic Church has never recognized the humanity of minors ( You may have inferred this, curious, from our ubiquitous practice of using children as SRO's [sex relief objects]). Therefore your point is moot.

St Salvatore Pointius is proud to announce that only three of our twelve hundred hairless but tested students were found to positive for drug use. Clearly our fear tactics are working as well as Roman catholic terror has always worked to bolster the moral fiber of everyone except the clergy.

Look how much more successful we have been than the pagans:
- Illicit teen drug use as of 2007.
* 8th grade -- 30.3%
* 10th grade -- 44.9%
* 12th grade -- 52.8%
* St Sal P -- .0002%

Some people say that we have driven our students to alcohol abuse since our hair test does not look for alcohol. True:

- Underage drinking costs the United States more than $58 billion dollars annually, enough for a new state of the art computer for every student.

- In the last thirty days 50% of teenagers report drinking with 32% being drunk at least on one occasion.And of course, alcohol kills five times more teenagers than all other drugs combined(usually through accidents)!

But how is that really different from their parents or their priests?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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