Crowe wants lead role in 'Saddam the Movie'
Hollywood - (Ass Mess): Russell Crowe is said to be pitching for the title role of a new Quentin Tarantino epic provisionally entitled 'Saddam the Movie'.
Read full storyBush dumped by his lawyer
Washington DC - (Ass Mess): Harrier Miers, George W Bush's personal lawyer for 27 years and custodian of every secret nightmare ever erased by the US Justice Department about his criminal records, has thrown in the towel and dumped her number one...
Read full storyLocal Man Found Responsible For Everyone's Emotions - Citizens More Than Happy To Point Finger
Seattle - A Seattle court made a pivotal judgment today that will relieve the citizens of Washington the burden of accountability for their own emotions and actions.
Read full storyUS Triangle to have 4 sides?
A leading US Education spokesperson has sparked controversy after insisting his former school in Texas should be allowed to teach an alternative theory to standard trigonometry. In a speech to be delivered to congress early next week, Governor Randul...
Read full storyChiquita Banana Inks Charmin Deal
In a tiny cubicle in a Chattanooga rest room, Chiquita Banana announced today that she's the new spokesperson for Charmin toilet tissue.
Read full storyTom Cruise's 2007 Resolution From Scientologist To Existentialist
(Los Angeles--CA) Who was that little man coming out of a Starbucks on Wilshire Boulevard wearing a beret and shouting lines from Jean Paul Sartre's play "No Exit" mixed with profanity 2AM New Year's Day? According to TheSmokingGun.
Read full storyStudies Reveal - Women Who Tailgate Fulfilling Need To Cuddle
Washington - Doctors in Seattle have finished a five year study as to why tailgating was more common among women, and the results were announced Tuesday.
Read full storyU2 Member "The Edge" Changes Guitar Lick From "Plunka-plunka-plunka-plunka" To: "Plunka-plunka-STRUM-plunka"
Dublin - "The Edge," guitar player for the mega-hit band "U2" announced today that he had finally found a new guitar lick.
Read full storyDepartment Of Education Bans The Words "Jihad" And "Pigs" From American Language -
Salt Lake City, Ut - Officials here issued a statement that the words "Jihad" and "pigs" would no longer be allowed in the English language based on repeated complaints from a local father and his family.
Read full storyBush's artificial insemination chief quits
Washington DC - (Rioters): John Negroponte, Director of Artificial Insemination at the White House, has suddenly quit his post after less than two years after blaming the Pentagon's fuzzy systems protocols for civil war catastrophes in Iraq.
Read full storyPresident Bush Reads Protest Sign - Changes Mind About War
Washington - President Bush announced today that he would no longer push for war with Iraq after reading a protest sign by an anti-war protester.
Read full storyScat Fetish Attacks on the Increase
In London, further incidents of Happy Scatting have been reported to the police today by both victims and witnesses of this disturbing new craze.
Read full storyEnvironmentally Friendly Celebrity Big Brother Launched
London (UK) - Environmental groups have conveyed their gratitude and commendations to the producers of Big Brother UK for exemplifying the importance and benefits of recycling by launching the environmentally friendly 'Recyclable Celebrity Big Br...
Read full storyWife's Fat Makes Pants Look Skinny
Omaha - One hour before attending a party, Sarah Gibson, 34, asked her husband Mark, 33, a scientist of Astronomy, if he thought the pants she was wearing made her look fat. "Now be honest," she said. "I really need to know if these pants make me loo...
Read full storyRude Driver Feels Shame, Changes Ways After Being Honked At
Kansas City - The power of the horn was made obvious today after Richard Dean, 23 of Kansas City, felt shame after being honked at by a man he had cut off.
Read full storyStudent Creates Modern Icon By Mistake
Art Student, Brian Ryan, was celebrating a stroke of good fortune today as his fridge has been selected as a possible entry into next year's prestigious Turner Prize.
Read full storyThe Winner of Bob Dylan's Signed Guitar Is... You?
Slate.com hosted a contest where if one identifies all of the unreleased Dylan clips they win a prize. What Slate probably did not realize is that the majority of the clips could be found on YouTube, learning their lesson only after millions of e-mai...
Read full storyPresident Bush Opens Your Mail Without a Warrant
WASHINGTON, D.C.- President George W. Bush abused a postal reform bill in order to search people's mail without a warrant. Though Mr. Bush's actions are "contrary to existing law," the president says that he has the authority under...
Read full storyPalin's Atlantic Crossing Lands Him In Hot Water
Monty Python funny man and round the world traveller, Michael Palin, is today in hot water over his crossing of the Atlantic single-handedly.
Read full storyDead Sea Scrolls update: Parasites lived at Qumran
Dead Sea - (Ass Mess): The recent discovery of a pre-hysteric latrine at the Dead Sea Scrolls site of Qumran has taken another twist this week as a team of French paleo-parasitology researchers slammed the ancient acetic Jewish sect of Essene residen...
Read full storyTiny Lost African Tribe Found
An undiscovered tribe of tiny people has been found in a previously uncharted province of the Western Coastal area of Africa.
Read full storyBrown Denies Sticker Sabotage
Gordon Brown has denied being responsible for placing a sticker on Tony Blair's back with the words "Tony tosser" on it.
Read full storyBlair Responds to Tosser Verdict
Tony Blair returned early from his break to make a formal response to the findings of the Tosser Report.
Read full storyOprah criticized for assisting poor African children
Africa, Oprah Winfrey opened her new 40 million dollar learning complex today. She seemed very satisfied with the completion of the year long job.
Read full storyBanana Republic embarrases employees
New York, Today,. Banana Republic instituted a new policy to create more dependable employees.
Read full storyBotham Slams The Slammers
Ian 'Beefy' Botham has slammed those headline writers that always say he slams things.
Read full storyBritney Spears' sex toy found at truck stop
A truck driver was suprised to see a bare foot Britney Spears exiting a restroom this afternoon at a Lousiana rest stop.
Read full storyReal Celebrity In Celebrity Big Brother Shock!
Reports today that an actual celebrity has been lined up to go into the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday.
Read full storyDonald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell secretly wed
Rosie O'Donnell has been mysteriously absent from the View the last couple of days. The absence coincidentally coincides with a much publicized argument with Donald Trump.
Read full storyHome Depot Pays CEO $210 Million to Nap, Watch TV
Home Depot's board has decided to pay chairman and CEO Robert L. Nardelli $210 million to stay at home and relax. The board determined that Mr. Nardelli could best serve the interests of shareholders by napping on the couch and watching TV. Th...
Read full storyExxon Mislead? - "My foot!" Exclaims Exhausted Free Marketeer
In a Science Times article in the NY Times the shocking headline screams Exxon Accused of Trying to Mislead the Public.
Read full storyBush to force Democrats' Congress to balance budget
Jan 4 Washington DC - In a dramatic u-turn, Bush has decided he does not want to bankrupt America after all. The years under his presidency saw the fastest rate of increase in the federal budget deficit the known universe had ever seen. What took fou...
Read full storyChiquita Banana Caught on the Crapper
Chiquita Banana was the spokesperson for Dole Bananas from the 1960's through the 1980's. Her singing and dancing helped propel the company to millions in sales and made her a household name.
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