WASHINGTON, D.C.- President George W. Bush abused a postal reform bill in order to search people's mail without a warrant. Though Mr. Bush's actions are "contrary to existing law," the president says that he has the authority under Dick Cheney's "Go f*** yourself," bill which passed in the Senate by a landslide. Members of the Senate are blissfully unaware of that particular piece of legislation that they pushed through. President Bush claims that he must have the authority to check a citizen's mail because there might be, "huge checks that people meant to send to him but were misaddressed," said Bush's Press Secretary Tony Snow.
Since the bill was issued on December 20, the president says that he and his staff were happy to receive, "more Christmas presents than usual." He believes that they must have been extra nice this year, and that Santa is rewarding them for passing the postal reform bill and stopping terrorism in its tracks. Though many had to tell their children that Santa had not shown up, the President assured them that is "the fault of the liberal's War on Christmas," not the postal reform bill.
The president says that because he cannot track Osama bin Laden's mail, because he, "doesn't spend that much time on him," he needs to track American's mail. He says that he may find a letter post marked to bin Laden. Nancy Pelosi has called this a last ditch effort to find bin Laden, who has remained allusive for nearly seven years on Bush's watch, even after former President Bill Clinton told President George W. Bush to make capturing Osama bin Laden a top priority.
"That is just not the truth," said the president. "I cannot believe that the Democrats want to stop our efforts to capture Osama bin Laden. They are obviously with the terrorists," Bush said in front of a small group of supporters at the Fox News headquarters: the white house press room.
Fox News comedian Bill O'Reilly, who later defended the president on his show, believes that the new law defends us against terrorists but does not defend America's moral values. He believes that packages, "must be inspected for loofahs and dirty magazines. If found, you can send these inappropriate items to Bill O'Reilly at..."
National security groups, however, have a different take on Bush's newly granted powers. The Center for National Security Studies in Washington asserts that the bill is, "new and quite alarming," the president claims that the bill does not go far enough. "I may have the power to listen to your phone conversations, and to read your mail, but I still do not have the power to strip search you in front of your traumatized children. This will make you feel much more secure."
Rep. Henry Waxman (D), who co-sponsored the bi-partisan postal reform bill and is the incoming House Government Reform Committee chairman, says that he does not see how "George W. Bush could possibly abuse his power as I cannot think of any instance when he had done so in the past."
