Written by SamIAm

Thursday, 4 January 2007

image for Local Man Found Responsible For Everyone's Emotions - Citizens More Than Happy To Point Finger
Bill, 22, the guy responsible for everyone's emotions.

Seattle - A Seattle court made a pivotal judgment today that will relieve the citizens of Washington the burden of accountability for their own emotions and actions.

Bill Jenson, a Graphic Design student who attends a local college was determined by courts to bear the sole responsibility for what other citizens did.

"I was so offended after I overheard him talking about the dangers of smoking," said James Fillman, an accountant and chain smoker. "I was so hurt and upset because of how he made me feel that I went out and robbed a convenience store."

Fillman says that he had been searching for the person responsible for his feelings for the last fifteen years of his life, and was happy to find the one accountable.

"My father went to his death searching for the same thing," Says Fillman, "He always told my mom how she 'made him mad' and that it was because of her that he tortured cats." Then, wiping tears from his blood-shot eyes, he added, "If only he knew who was really responsible!"

Other people have come forward with comments regarding how relieved they were to know that they no longer had to blame parents or oppressive government for their negative emotions and problems.

"I always thought that if people didn't say just the right thing to me, or if they challenged my beliefs in any way then they were responsible for the emotions that I felt afterward," said Marla Thomas, 22, a Medical Assitant, "Now I know that it is this Bill guy who deserves the punishment for my lack of control over my own emotions." Then with raised fist she added, "I'M FREE!"

Bill's control over the emotions of others has made him responsible for crime, starvation, countless wars, and the increase in anti-depressant intake in our country.

"If Bill would just placate all of us and say the right things at the right time, then we wouldn't have this problem." Says Phil Meyer, District Administrator. "We normal people don't want our way of thinking challenged! We don't want to hear verbal truths that are better left unsaid!"

Then he added, standing smartly from his desk, "If you don't say it out loud then it doesn't exist! That's the American way!"

Bill's control over the population has been explained scientifically, and some scientists have attempted to describe the phenomenon.

"It is our theory that Bill is physically the center of a universal vortex." says Ronald Hayes, scientist and professor at Washington State. "When he is around or disrupts the real world in any way, whether verbally or through writing, the section of brain that is responsible for emotional control in others is magnetized in those around him. Hence, he literally sucks away people's ability to control themselves and their feelings."

State government officials remain unsure of how to handle the problem and are looking to pass laws that limit Bill's civil rights and freedoms in order to make him more controllable.

"We just want life to go back to the way it use to be!" says Meyer. "I miss the days when everyone said what everyone else wanted to hear at just the right time that they wanted to hear it." Then he added, "It was so quiet then!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more