GOP, Internet Trolls Poke Senator Warren With Sticks
WASHINGTON D.C. - In the capital today, Donald Trump has been poking Senator Elizabeth Warren with a stick. "Misogyny gets votes!" Trump screams. "And women are silly because they were too stupid to be born with penises!" Warren took a deep bre...
Read full storySlowly, Over Time, Nashville Man Becomes Slightly Less Immature
Slowly, over time, with a great deal of (well, some) personal work, Trent O’Hare of Nashville, Tennessee, reports that he’s become slightly less immature. “It’s pretty remarkable, if I don’t say so myself," said Trent. "Which I do. A lot. I think...
Read full storyDonald Trump Takes Possession of Elizabeth Warren's House
The president went over to the Senator's house this morning to tell her that she is not a real Native American. When he got there, he exclaimed, "Look what I discovered!" He then claimed ownership of her house, and handed her a blanket infected...
Read full storyPocahontas: "I AM so, too, Native American; my mixed DNA sample proves it, so there!"
Senator Eliza Beth “Pocahontas” Warpath swabbed one of her body cavities to obtain a DNA “smear,” which she submitted to a clandestine cloning service, the name of which she refused to identify. The results of the analysis of the DNA sample, she s...
Read full storyTrump Quits Calling Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas
A DNA test proves Senator Elizabeth Warren is a Native American. As promised by Donald Trump, Trump now owes the Senator one million dollars. When told of the DNA results, Trump went on an eight-minute Kanye West rant. He claimed he never accused...
Read full storyHillary Takes On Monica and The Trailer Trash Bimbos: "Better Them Than Me Too.”
BILLINGSGATE POST: The “Me Too” feminist outcry has elevated even the most innocent male overture to make a girl happy into a career destroying event. To the casual observer, who might believe that Hillary would embrace this movement, he be dead wr...
Read full storyPresident Trump Unleashes Nuclear Strikes on Planned Parenthood
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a devastating and unbelievable development, President Donald Trump has struck every abortion clinic and Planned Parenthood center in the United States with nuclear weapons. "THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Trump...
Read full storyMcDonalds Switches to New Format: Serenading Instead of Food Service
CHICAGO, IL - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonalds, announced in a press conference that McDonalds restaurants will stop serving food immediately and serenade customers with songs released by the Disney Corporation. "So, the Republicans, who are ou...
Read full storyAmerican Airlines Unveils New Foot-Powered Airplanes
FORT WORTH, TX - Doug Parker, the CEO of American Airlines, unveiled a new fleet of airplanes that have no engines and no floor. "A company's number one priority is customer satisfaction. We have been keeping up with recent trends, and we have dis...
Read full storyComedians Go on Strike
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Comedians across America have declared a strike. They demand that the news stations resume their duties instead of abdicating their responsibilities to them. Jon Oliver angrily explained, "My job is to make people laugh. If I decide to do something that my audience does not enjoy, they demand a refund. And yet, stations have decided to let idiots lie through their teeth and foam...
Read full storyUber Changes Strategy: Hitting People Instead of Transporting Them
SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Travis Kalanick, one of Uber's founders, has announced a controversial shift in the way Uber operates. "Companies need to adapt to the changing times," Kalanick announced. "We mistakenly thought that our customers desired to be...
Read full storyPope Francis Canonizes Video Game Character as Saint
VATICAN CITY - Pope Francis, dressed in a black "Sonic The Hedgehog" t-shirt, blue jeans, and shades, addressed his flock, announcing that the Church would canonize Frisk from "Undertales" as a saint. "Based on the news, someone has to say or do s...
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