SAN FRANCISCO, CA - Travis Kalanick, one of Uber's founders, has announced a controversial shift in the way Uber operates.
"Companies need to adapt to the changing times," Kalanick announced. "We mistakenly thought that our customers desired to be shuttled safely from one place to another. However, the government and their allies have shown us the error of our ways. When they threaten genocide and violence while using lies, their customers react positively. Therefore, we will now change to a new business format. We will lie to our customers and beat them up."
Halfway across town, an Uber driver approached the caller, a white male. The Uber driver introduced himself, then hit the customer over the head with a tennis racket. "Bicycles are one of the major food groups!" the Uber driver shouted. "The bald eagle flies to the moon and breakdances! Cheese turns you into Superman! Paste of your nose turns to gold!"
The Uber driver finished the beating with a kick to the customer's crotch. "Don't forget to rate 5-star!" the Uber driver shouted. "I get fired if I fall below 4.999999!"
The police have reacted negatively. The chief of police angrily announced, "This is an outrage! This is not supposed to happen to White people! Therefore, I officially declare that all Lyft drivers are Black! And hey... let's round up 'car' to 'tank' so we can unleash bazookas!"
And one Uber driver in a couple was in a hurry, so he ran over the requesting couple with a car.
"It may sound unorthodox, but the customer comes first. But let me give you a lift home," Kalanick concluded.
Kalanick then put the reporter in a wrestling clip and delivered a piledriver.