Senator Eliza Beth “Pocahontas” Warpath swabbed one of her body cavities to obtain a DNA “smear,” which she submitted to a clandestine cloning service, the name of which she refused to identify.
The results of the analysis of the DNA sample, she said, “proves, beyond any shadow of a reasonable doubt,” that she is, in fact, Native American, despite her parents' documented English heritage.
“There was obviously a redskin in the woodpile at some point in my family lineage,” the senator insisted, pumping her fist. “I am officially .00000000015 percent who I claim to be.”
She announced her Native American blood while wearing a war bonnet, holding a hatchet, and sporting warpaint. She says her exact ancestry, on the Native American side, is Cherokee and Delaware, adding, “being a woman of color hasn't held me back any, though.”
Bill Clinton was the “first African-American president,” Pocahontas said. “Barack Obama was the first transgender Muslim president. I want to become the first Native-American blue-eyed blonde president, and with the help of the news media, I will be, come 2020.”
Critics contend that Pocahontas did not use a commercial service
because Dr. Carlos D. “Powhatan” Bustamante, who analyzed her DNA sample, and “who's more Native American than I am, despite his Latino surname, is an unbiased friend . . . and a fellow Democrat to boot.”
While even Bustamante admits there's a “high probability of error” in his analysis and that detecting DNA for Native Americans is particularly tricky because of the absence of Native American DNA available for comparison,” he also explained that, “to make up for the dearth of Native American DNA, I used samples from Mexico, Peru, and Colombia to stand in for Native Americans.”
President Trump, who has challenged Pocahontas's contention that she is “more Native American than any of the players on the Washington Redskins football team,” said he is “unconvinced” by the “alleged results” of Pocahontas's DNA analysis. “She's about as much Native American as an Indian,” he said.