WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a devastating and unbelievable development, President Donald Trump has struck every abortion clinic and Planned Parenthood center in the United States with nuclear weapons.
"THIS IS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!" Trump shouted. "That should take care of this abortion issue! Screw this law crap! I'm a man of action! You can't get an abortion if the clinic is glowing! And abortion doctors are dead, too, so that's a plus. And hey... we probably wiped out lots of liberals, so our base will love that! And most importantly, we are going to win those Midterms by a landslide! But just in case, be ready to fire at Korea."
The nation, assaulted by nuclear attacks, has been ravaged. Millions have perished, and a large percentage of the land is now inhospitable. Emergency responders, hospitals, and infrastructure are too damaged to provide relief. Media coverage is limited, for institutions such as CNN, MSNBC, Comedy Central, and HBO, were also targets of nuclear attacks.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, smiling widely, proudly proclaimed, "I am proud to serve such a noble and honorable man as President," he exclaimed. "It is a refreshing change of pace to serve a man with irreproachable values and resolute action. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to set my intern on fire, because she's considering leaning left. And if you stick around, I'll murder you too, because you're an enemy of God."
The rest of the world is too stunned to react. Many leaders fear that they may be the next target of a nuclear tantrum. The NATO has declared an emergency session to discuss the crisis.
Fox News Sean Hannity, drinking a beer, shouted, "God DAMN, what a fine day for America! And hey, MSNBC news got nuked too, so no more lip from Maddow. It's hard to take the word of a dead person, so life is good. But you know... there are some sites out there that still think it's a good idea to talk shit about us, so I'm thinking that this just might be a warm-up."
In Las Vegas, Mary Vonterfield, a 33-year-old Pro-Life protester, clutched her rosary, rocking back in forth.
"I believe... that the life... of a child... is sacred," Vonterfied muttered. "It is a sin to kill..."
Vonterfield paused, as Trump's laughter played on the television.
"...I..." Vonterfield muttered.
Vonterfield shook wildly as reports of the body count played on the television.
"...I'm... so... so sorry!" Vonterfield cried, falling to her knees and sobbing freely. "For... forgive me... Jesus... for I... have... sinned..."