VATICAN CITY - Pope Francis, dressed in a black "Sonic The Hedgehog" t-shirt, blue jeans, and shades, addressed his flock, announcing that the Church would canonize Frisk from "Undertales" as a saint.
"Based on the news, someone has to say or do something very stupid to get press coverage," Pope Francis explained. "Genocide used to be a war crime, but now it is a campaign tactic. Apparently, 'Thou Shalt Not Kill' is too complex. And one would think that if one embraces Jesus, putting every church on Earth underwater is a bad thing, unless someone thinks fanfiction of Jesus is acceptable."
Pope Francis continued, "Since I don't want to swim to the altar and pray for an oxygen mask instead of forgiveness, we've decided to try this craziness thing that pray for God to smite all Republicans."
Pope Francis cleared his throat.
"In the beginning, there was a hole in the ground. And Frisk fell into it. And it was bad.
"And then Frisk met a talking flower that proceeded to try and kill Frisk. And it was bad.
"And Toriel cast the flower aside with fireballs, and took Frisk into her home, where Frisk rested, listened to stories, and ate apple-cinnamon pie. And it was delicious.
"But then Frisk said, 'I want to go home now.' But Toriel said, 'The other monsters will try to kill you. Stay here or I'll kill you,' she said. And it was silly."
"And Frisk dodged and weaved and hugged. And Toriel hugged back. And it was good."
"And lo, Papyrus attempted to stop Frisk with puzzles, but Papyrus allowed Frisk to skip them instead. And Papyrus sent dogs after Frisk, who Frisk petted and nuzzled and fed. And Papyrus threw bones at Frisk, and Frisk responded by flirting with Papyrus, and then they went on a date. Papyrus said that they should just be friends, and Frisk agreed. And it was hilarious.
"But then, Undyne threw spears at Frisk, who ran and dodged, until Undyne collapsed of thirst. So Frisk gave Undyne water. Then they went to a kitchen and destroyed it. And it was funny as well.
"But then, Mettarton approached Frisk, assaulting Frisk with televion shows about cooking, operas with love songs, and time bombs. And the ratings soared.
"Mettatron transformed into a dancing robot. Mettatron attacked. Frisk posed. Mettatron sang. Frisk advertised. And the ratings soared to the heavens
"And then there was Alphys, who created creatures of strange and unusual shapes. Frisk petted, and hugged, and comforted, and Alphys did cry mightily.
"And sans, he Who Torments Pricks, declared that Frisk was the most unpricky individual since Jesus, and they went to Grillby's, where they dined on hot dogs made of water. And the napkins were plentiful.
"Lo! King Asgore apologized for having to kill Frisk, then unleashed his warth on the GUI. Frist dodged and hugged, showing Mercy to the king.
"And the monsters did gather to rush to Frisk's aid. But Flowey consumed the souls of everyone except Frisk, and transformed into a nightmarish beast so hideos, Stan himself peed himself in fear.
"And Frisk asked to be the monster's friend. And the monster said 'Yes,' And it was touching.
"Lo, the barrier to the outside world fell. And Papyrus drove a car, but his scream shook the heavens when sans passed him on a tricycle. And Mettaton sang to the world. And Undyne and Alphys kissed. And Asgore and Toriel taught school.
"Praise be, Saint Frisk! For Frisk has shown mercy when others have tried to cry Frisk to deatn. Frisk petted dogs instead of killing them. Frisk has danced with Frisk's enemies, making the monsters shake their butts. And Frisk laid low an evil God by hugging it. And it was awesome."
Pope Francis let out a sigh.
"Some may think it's crazy that I annointed a video game character to sainthood," the Pope explained."But since my boss says 'Thou shalt not kill,' I love a game that rewards you for making friends with everybody instead of stabbing them. If you think that you'll find a copy of 'Doom 2016' in the Vatican, then maybe you need a psychiatrist instead of a Bible."