CHICAGO, IL - Steve Easterbrook, CEO of McDonalds, announced in a press conference that McDonalds restaurants will stop serving food immediately and serenade customers with songs released by the Disney Corporation.
"So, the Republicans, who are our customers, have informed us that common sense is a liability, and that disagreeing with a Republican is now a crime punishable by death. And CNN has demonstrated that it is possible to get hired for a job, not do it, and get paid anyways. And Fox News has turned lying into a multi-billion dollar powerhouse," Easterbrook explained.
"We have decided to change our ways of operations to keep competitive and alive. We will cease production of food immediately, and we will sing songs from Disney movies to our customers until they are well-fed. This does not make sense, but it would appear that Republicans stop listening and start shooting when threatened with common sense. Considering that, in the Bible, humans responded with 'Be Tolerant of Others' by killing Jesus, I am too afraid to sleep," Easterbrook explained.
"We live in frightening times," Easterbrook explained. "Companies provide benefits to their employees like Medical, Dental, and 401k. However, it is hard to keep our staff motivated when they are angry, distracted, or crying uncontrollably because they fear that a loved one that gave a campaign contribution Democrat is going to be brutally murdered."
"And although I question the wisdom of letting the Earth flood 20 years from now, I do not want to get shot for offering a rebuttal," Easterbrook continued. "Yes, it is vital for McDonalds to have land to make a profit and expand our territory, and for our staff and customers to live. But I do not want to risk the lives of me or my employees by mentioning this."
Easterbrook concluded, "These changes may sound controversial, but companies need to be able to adjust, or thrive, or not get shot. But we must meet the commands of our customers, and we do not want to die. Now if you'll excuse me, I will now go home, cry, and hope that I get to wake up. Thank you, and enjoy the songs."